This morning I learnt of the passing of the son of a staff member of ours whom we have had for years. This little man was only 4 yrs old. His father has pictures of him on his phone/facebook showing a wide grinned little boy with a spark in his eye. Someone you can just hear people in the village say "o le ulavale ia" referring mostly to his overabundance of energy and knack for life.
2 weeks ago, our staff member brought this little man to me with his wife. It only took a first glance to see that he was pretty sick, looking very thin, gaunt and breathing very rapidly. He was admitted to hospital that day and after a prolonged admission finally was deemed better enough by the drs there at the time to go home. In that time, we had discovered that the little guy had acquired an illness that had caused his heart to swell significantly. I had done a bedside scan on him trying to find answers to our questions and could tell right away that his condition was quite bad. I refrained from leaping straight into giving him a terrible prognosis as I don't feel I have enough experience to know with his illness, whether he was past the point of no return or whether there was a chance things could be improved. When it comes to kids, my heart is fragile and I only ever want to give good news. The bad news is so enormous when its a little person who hasn't had the chance at life. Actually I think Im like this with all my patients. Just never rushed to give bad news unless Im sure we have exhausted all possible help, drugs, meds, investigations, expertise. In this little guys case. His heart was very sick. Meanwhile, we don't have a heart dr to consult on at the hospital, and in particular a paeds heart dr was who we really needed help from (or childrens heart dr) so everything was going to be a 3 step process of trying to contact overseas specialist, send them reports/images and await a reply.
We did this. But the replies were not good. My heart always sinks when I get a reply which starts with. "this is very sad" because I feel like this summarises the whole outlook right there. What I didn't expect though was that this kid would go so soon. I had thought he would have more time, at least a year or two of back and forthing to the mainland , to see visiting specialists, even if he were deemed unfit for surgery I thought there would be a palliative pathway he would go down. But no. Literally within 2 weeks of his illness coming to light, his heart gave out and he has taken his last sleep. Im not sure if this was better or worse. I think either way is pretty sad but perhaps more time ?although always the question of quality of life :(
His father rang me to tell me he couldn't work this morning . I asked first if they were being transferred to the main hospital in Upolu for his sons treatments - knowing he was pretty sick? When he told me what had happened, I could hear him choking back tears in his breadth and so did I . I had to run away to the privacy of our bathroom to escape the morning rush of people in our house and have a little cry . Kids getting ready for school, sitter just arrived, manager from hotel coming to update tasks of the day, housekeeper from hotel wanting to know how to use her timecard...my heart is breaking just a little bit and I want you all to go away :(
I thought about this kid a lot today. What a gorgeous little man he was. How his parents loved him so. How much my kids mean to me. How terrible it is to see your children suffer. How parents are meant to cope with this. The fairness of it all. Our staff member came over later, and sat at the foot of our door. He looked like he did not have the strength to even breath. His eyes blood shot from obviously being up all night and for the river of tears he must of shed. His English is not very good, my samoan aint that flash either. The hubby is in Pago for a faa'lavelave. Where are his wise Samoan words when I need him. I'm no good at providing comfort or counselling in Samoan, and I doubt me doing it in English would be very good either. So I stumbled through some "I cant think of anything that will ease the pain you are going through now" (in my broken Samoan ) and some "be strong for your wife and kids, so you can get through the next two weeks" I didn't feel it was enough but all I could muster while trying not to be a ridiculous bag of tears.
Of all thing things in life I am grateful for. My childrens health is one of the most important . Despite all the challenges and hardships we face, that is the one hardship I am glad to not have. The pain of suffering and health issues. Today I will hug my kids a little harder and pray for this families pain.
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Saturday, January 19, 2019
2019
Ive neglected my blog for a year just about. I looked back at my sad
blog site and wondered why. Writing used to be such an outlet, a tool to
keep my sanity. From the dark and tiresome hours in Wellington
hospital, to the move back home, through kids, and through adjusting to a
rural life. It was always my replacement for not being able to go out
for a coffee with friends or yarn with a relie;)
I realize that it sort of came to a slow crawl after some worries got under my skin that people or persons or communities (ie the village or the workplace etc) may actually be reading my blog. Har har. Heres to me thinking I was more popular then I probably actually am :) But in all honesty, I just didn't want to offend anyone with anything I said. One year, I wrote a blog about how terribly under resourced my workplace was and of the things we needed. A great organisation (through a friend who reads my blog) picked up on this and did some amazing gathering of forces and actually brought alot of donated goods across to Savaii. Unfortunately in this process I learnt that officials in my workplace did not receive this charity so graciously, and when had heard of this "much needed list" were out to head hunt the person who dared put it together (apparently making them look bad etc and not doing their jobs etc) It was really deflating to learn of this, to the point where I actually did not participate in the receiving side at our local hospital (which I would've really liked to because I just wanted to be part of the recipients side, expressing the joy and love I felt that someone cared enough to put these things together for us). It also reinforced the frustration I've always felt with working in this public service where despite that fact that we are so poorly resourced and lacking in many things ....someone in an office somewhere is more consumed by how this plea makes them "look"" ( ie forget the patients right ?) and used their precious energy to attack something so useful as donating goods to our local hospital. Go figure.
Meanwhile, life goes on without crying me a river. Fast forward to 2019. I've now lived in the bush for 11 yrs and life has been so full of surprises. 2018 brought tears and new beginnings. It started with my 90 yr old grandmother developing a lump in her jaw. Ultimately this led to an operation in NZ, suffering complete paralysis of the right side of her face, eventual decline in her overall health - spread of " cancer" and becoming a palliative patient.
My Supermom and Superaunty becoming her fearsome full time caregivers/nurses/drs/ and me trying to fill in the gaps for palliative care dr as there basically isn't such a thing or a service in Samoa. My grandmother passed away at home surrounded by Mum and Aunty . It was a tough time for our family as my grandmother had always been such a headstrong person, a leader of her family for many many years after my grandpa died. And always been in pristine health, heck she had a double total hip replacement done after she was 80 much to everyones surprise:) Her advice and talks were always full of gems for anyone, set with her lifes lessons. Always being able to share 90 yrs of experience - how through determination and perseverance navigated her family through tough times post world war, both her and my grandfather always holding jobs and having 8 kids to raise, managed to establish their business build their own houses help 8 of their kids succeed and just manage to live a fullfilling and rewarding life, no easy feat for sure.
There were few times in my life that I could recall ever seeing my grandma weak or sad. Even when she was down with a flu or an infection, getting out and doing her stretches and exercising and making some home made brew or broth using every part of the cow (ie tongue hoof tail etc lol) was always part and parcel of her recovery. When she began to lose her strength to her recently diagnosied cancer , her body only failed while her mind remained a bright as anything. Despite losing control of her body she was certainly still very much in control right up until the end.
Not long after a loved Uncle also went through the same process and it was a double whammy for our family having 2 loved members pass away of cancer. Funerals for some reason are always a contrast of suffrage but also an overwhelming outpouring of love. I cant say one ever looks forward to these events, but I am glad to have seen cousins I havent seen for ages, and spend time with the whole aiga is always nice.
This year, for fear that my brain was turning to mush, I found a really awesome course finally available by distance - Rural and hospital medicine, something I had been eyeing for a while but had always required in the past for people to go and live in nz, not an easy choice for me. So when I discovered they were allowing it to be done by distance I jumped to the opportunity. Albeit with a bit of hair pulling and panic attacks at the start (ie remembering feeling completely burnt out from studying 14yrs ago hehe) and then realising I was doing it again , but with 2 kids and 2 businesses to run ...hmmmmm...yea anyways. How do women do it ? we just do...its the subconscious auto-pilot switch I swear...thats how lol. Anyways, back to school I think has been the best decision I have made x 100 and as hard and stressful as it is...Im loving it. I just wish I could find some local scholarship to help cover costs but apparently what I am doing doesnt tick any boxes of any government scholarships these days, and there are no sympathetics votes for lonely one man band drs in the bush hehe. Anyways, Im tired of waiting for handouts so am self funding(scrounging)
And then , after 9 yrs , found out I was preggers in November. Weeehhheeewww. The plan had always loosely been to have 3 or 4 kids...and that came to a halt in 2014 when I was diagnosed with some weird eye thing that i had to take a drug which you are forbidden to fall pregnant on (terrible for unborn babies) only came off it a couple of years later and since then, hubby an I have been pointing fingers at each other as to why it was suddenly so hard. Anyways, long story short, hallelujah. I am now in the throws of nausea and lethargy and just hoping it will all dissappear soon jammit. I dont remember ever feeling this yuck in my previous but know they can all be comepletely different. Now, Im looking at other mums with young babies and thinking yay that will be me soon - look at how cute bubba is and then - daaaannngggg, she just said she didnt sleep til 3am this morning and had to wake up with the baby at 6am awwwaaaaaaatt??? Im too old for this hehe!! lol
So moral is enjoy them naps now while I can right ? before its all over lol. So , heres to a hopefully great 2019. Bring on the bubbs bring on the bush and its krazy ways, bring on the books ! Will try to not neglect this blog again...cause realistically I probably have 2 readers so who really cares? lol
I realize that it sort of came to a slow crawl after some worries got under my skin that people or persons or communities (ie the village or the workplace etc) may actually be reading my blog. Har har. Heres to me thinking I was more popular then I probably actually am :) But in all honesty, I just didn't want to offend anyone with anything I said. One year, I wrote a blog about how terribly under resourced my workplace was and of the things we needed. A great organisation (through a friend who reads my blog) picked up on this and did some amazing gathering of forces and actually brought alot of donated goods across to Savaii. Unfortunately in this process I learnt that officials in my workplace did not receive this charity so graciously, and when had heard of this "much needed list" were out to head hunt the person who dared put it together (apparently making them look bad etc and not doing their jobs etc) It was really deflating to learn of this, to the point where I actually did not participate in the receiving side at our local hospital (which I would've really liked to because I just wanted to be part of the recipients side, expressing the joy and love I felt that someone cared enough to put these things together for us). It also reinforced the frustration I've always felt with working in this public service where despite that fact that we are so poorly resourced and lacking in many things ....someone in an office somewhere is more consumed by how this plea makes them "look"" ( ie forget the patients right ?) and used their precious energy to attack something so useful as donating goods to our local hospital. Go figure.
Meanwhile, life goes on without crying me a river. Fast forward to 2019. I've now lived in the bush for 11 yrs and life has been so full of surprises. 2018 brought tears and new beginnings. It started with my 90 yr old grandmother developing a lump in her jaw. Ultimately this led to an operation in NZ, suffering complete paralysis of the right side of her face, eventual decline in her overall health - spread of " cancer" and becoming a palliative patient.
My Supermom and Superaunty becoming her fearsome full time caregivers/nurses/drs/ and me trying to fill in the gaps for palliative care dr as there basically isn't such a thing or a service in Samoa. My grandmother passed away at home surrounded by Mum and Aunty . It was a tough time for our family as my grandmother had always been such a headstrong person, a leader of her family for many many years after my grandpa died. And always been in pristine health, heck she had a double total hip replacement done after she was 80 much to everyones surprise:) Her advice and talks were always full of gems for anyone, set with her lifes lessons. Always being able to share 90 yrs of experience - how through determination and perseverance navigated her family through tough times post world war, both her and my grandfather always holding jobs and having 8 kids to raise, managed to establish their business build their own houses help 8 of their kids succeed and just manage to live a fullfilling and rewarding life, no easy feat for sure.
There were few times in my life that I could recall ever seeing my grandma weak or sad. Even when she was down with a flu or an infection, getting out and doing her stretches and exercising and making some home made brew or broth using every part of the cow (ie tongue hoof tail etc lol) was always part and parcel of her recovery. When she began to lose her strength to her recently diagnosied cancer , her body only failed while her mind remained a bright as anything. Despite losing control of her body she was certainly still very much in control right up until the end.
Not long after a loved Uncle also went through the same process and it was a double whammy for our family having 2 loved members pass away of cancer. Funerals for some reason are always a contrast of suffrage but also an overwhelming outpouring of love. I cant say one ever looks forward to these events, but I am glad to have seen cousins I havent seen for ages, and spend time with the whole aiga is always nice.
This year, for fear that my brain was turning to mush, I found a really awesome course finally available by distance - Rural and hospital medicine, something I had been eyeing for a while but had always required in the past for people to go and live in nz, not an easy choice for me. So when I discovered they were allowing it to be done by distance I jumped to the opportunity. Albeit with a bit of hair pulling and panic attacks at the start (ie remembering feeling completely burnt out from studying 14yrs ago hehe) and then realising I was doing it again , but with 2 kids and 2 businesses to run ...hmmmmm...yea anyways. How do women do it ? we just do...its the subconscious auto-pilot switch I swear...thats how lol. Anyways, back to school I think has been the best decision I have made x 100 and as hard and stressful as it is...Im loving it. I just wish I could find some local scholarship to help cover costs but apparently what I am doing doesnt tick any boxes of any government scholarships these days, and there are no sympathetics votes for lonely one man band drs in the bush hehe. Anyways, Im tired of waiting for handouts so am self funding(scrounging)
And then , after 9 yrs , found out I was preggers in November. Weeehhheeewww. The plan had always loosely been to have 3 or 4 kids...and that came to a halt in 2014 when I was diagnosed with some weird eye thing that i had to take a drug which you are forbidden to fall pregnant on (terrible for unborn babies) only came off it a couple of years later and since then, hubby an I have been pointing fingers at each other as to why it was suddenly so hard. Anyways, long story short, hallelujah. I am now in the throws of nausea and lethargy and just hoping it will all dissappear soon jammit. I dont remember ever feeling this yuck in my previous but know they can all be comepletely different. Now, Im looking at other mums with young babies and thinking yay that will be me soon - look at how cute bubba is and then - daaaannngggg, she just said she didnt sleep til 3am this morning and had to wake up with the baby at 6am awwwaaaaaaatt??? Im too old for this hehe!! lol
So moral is enjoy them naps now while I can right ? before its all over lol. So , heres to a hopefully great 2019. Bring on the bubbs bring on the bush and its krazy ways, bring on the books ! Will try to not neglect this blog again...cause realistically I probably have 2 readers so who really cares? lol
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