Going Home

Today is our 2nd to last day in NZ. I have to keep repeating that to myself just to appreciate the journey and remind myself  of where I am at in my life. It is a bitter sweet occasion. We , meaning my family , have been 'stuck' here in that we have been waiting for a flight home to Samoa since Decemeber. So the fact that a date is in place is a triumph, but reflecting on the whole journey and why we were here makes me sad. I feel a little like a part of my life ends here. The part in which I came to help mum. In essence it was just to be here for her and walk beside her, as mum had one of the worst and most unfair of illnesses, something that we all still find so difficult to accept. One that there was no light no miracles no hopes in its entirety. Mum passed on the 12th of December.  A  Sunday morning surrounded by loved ones. It is a memory that will forever be in my mind...one to treasure and one that haunts me so. There are alot of mixed emotions about  the whole experience but most of it I guess a personal battle to accept that it was what it was, and we did what we could...and mum was as prepared as she could be.We knew it wasnt going to be easy, we all came to help on the journey...but no one can prepare you for the reality of it all. Not in a  book, a pamphlet, a talk beforehand. You just cant prepare to watch a loved one die. It is an experience I wouldn't want to wish upon even my worst enemy... The pain and torture of worrying about the ifs and hows and whys is just another part of the whole experience that with time we have to let go of and hopefully somehow time will help  to heal. 

The months prior I am so thankful for. Thankful we could travel. Thankful we had NZ passports. Thankful we got MIQ spots...thankful for NZ government as well as ours. The time we got to spend with mum was truly some of our most treasured. All mum wanted was her raft  of ducklings surrounding her... to nurture, to 'oke' to cook for, to teach , to advice, reminisce with , to laugh with, rock to sleep, sing lullabies too...it was all special. And we all knew it, every single moment, minute, second...we lapped it up. And anytime a disagreement came up...over trivial things like what to cook, or when to go for a walk etc...I felt guilty every time I opened my mouth and didn't just do whatever mum wanted lol...it was always hard not to fall back into your usual bantering habits as this time round, life was different. And we wanted to make sure we gave thanks and enjoyed and allowed mum to enjoy, every bit of it.

 

I am sad that this journey is now where it is. 2 yrs ago, I prepared to give up everything, I left our businesses ...the worry and concern over their sustainability a small hiccup in the plan to just be with mum. Compared to all us childrens greatests moments in life where mum did nothing less then pull out all guns blazing and walked through fire for us, this was the least I could do. I am so thankful for my hubby..letting me go, holding the fort, battling his own loneliness, a similar thing the rest of the other hubbies also went through. I am so greatful we are all in a place in our lives that allowed us to come. The people who understood, the compassion we were all shown by so many. So many people I will forever be grateful to and for....

I know that mum wanted me here because I of my background and could understand the 'medical lingo'  It weighed heavily on me to not be able to offer her more then the dark picture her specialists ever painted. My own research proved futile as everywhere echoed mums drs own words...if you get 2 years you are lucky. I didnt want to believe  them when they said that. Mum would surely defy all odds! She was a fighter! She was fitter then us all and could withstand anything they had to throw at her disease! Even up until a month before, a part of me inside still believed this and urged mum to carry on with her life as normal, enjoy the things she loved, dance play walk eat  keep fit! ...no one would ever have thought then that she would not make the 2 yr mark. 

 What  lies ahead? As I look through my collection of pictures from the last year. I am so sad of the life we have ahead without you. Even Pele at such a young age misses you . You showered her with so much love and affection, that she felt it, and still asks for you now. She still thinks you are at the hospital. From you, she knows what hospitals are, she knows that doctors help to treat 'hurt' and make people better, she empathizes with people  who are sick or in pain...this morning she wailed that she wants you back from the hospital:( It makes everyone in the house sad when she remembers you....

Going back home now...an empty Lotopa awaits us. Your friends your  acquaintances our family, a life without you awaits us all and that is not an easy thing to think about. Im sure for everyone back home its the same...not seeing you and then not being able to say goodbye is truly a difficult thing. Any other year and it would have been different. Covid has given us all a hiding and so many lessons...I have truly learned to love  a little harder, celebrate  life more, appreciate the things around us that we have, savor all the small moments, ...

 

 We will be heading home to uncertain times still for our country... we will try to pick up the pieces and do our best. All the lessons in life you have taught constantly echo in  my head as if you were still here...you ARE! And we will always cherish you mum.  

I am so thankful for the technology we have now as well...to save all our memories, still clips, videos....we can listen to your voice any time we want, your laughter your presence. And that is something we can continue to share with our children as well. They all had such a bond with you. When we miss you it only takes a videoclip to bring a smile to our faces or  a laugh or two as well:)  All those special moments in our lives with you treasured. 

And so this journey comes to an end now. With our bittersweet return to "home" ...a home without you just doesnt seem fitting of its name... but i can hear your voice already telling us we need to go, get on with things, look after our lives or businesses our kids....A small part of me has enjoyed the prolonged stay as Ive secretly felt like the last leg of the journey with you  and for you IS  still present, your voice should echo down this hallway asking us if we've thought of what to cook for dinner, telling us to go for a walk and get some excercise...all those last moments still so clear and alive in this house. It  will be sad to leave behind mum. E le galo oe.  Your love for us reaches far beyond your departure date mum....you continued to look after us even now I only hope to one day be able to walk in your steps...and live the way you did. So much bigger then the small 5 foot what ? 2 inch person you were...your life and love had ripples in so many oceans mum...We will leave here, but we will always take you with us, in everything we do...we love you so much mum and will do our best to fulfil all that you wanted of us.

Letters to my mum

 Dearest mum,

It has been a month exactly today since you left us, and it has still not yet quite sunk in. In the enormity and finality of it all unless I allow my brain to think hard about it...in a silent moment. That is when it hits me like a ton of bricks...I have been ignorant and enjoyed staying at your house in new lynn. With pop around, and people popping in and out. You are here, you are everywhere. Everywhere I look, everything I do...I hear your voice, continuing to instruct, guide, comment. Our whole lives you had been there directing us even when we didnt know it. Much to our ignorance...fair to say I had many moments of naivity, faalii..feeling like you constantly helicoptered us...'grown adults'...and yet I know for a fact I will probably be the same with my kids until the day I die. When we think about all the pearls you gave us, of wisdom, love, advice, material things and non material things...amazing hardly sums it up, what you did for us.

Your  voice is still fresh in my mind...our last few conversations, your last big batch of baking...seeing the sparkle in your eye when all the grandkids were around...that was when you where your happiest and at your best. Cooking feeding playing  nurturing. You always had so much to give, i feel like Ive been so selfish cause I dont think I have been as giving as you...

Its so hard to know how to act or react when people speak about you. They want to express their sorrow and their grief over the void you left in their lives, incomparable to ours...and yet I feel obliged to somehow console and lift their spirits....sometimes I dont know how, sometimes its overwhelming. 

Poor Adolf, is lost without you. We are trying to support him...keep him busy and keep his surrounds busy. But I know he suffers when he closes his bedroom door at night...and lays alone on your bed. Even though you are there with him, he is lost. My heart breaks for him. 

We will be making our way home to Samoa soon. And I know there will be a hard road ahead to walk down. One without you. The family home empty. There will be cobwebs now on the ceiling that dont have you to fuss over  and clean. People who will be missing your effervescent drop ins and smiles. Everyone says we all have a bit of you in us, but we will never be able to replace you in the voids you have left behind. How easy it was to make excuses to travel to Apia when you were there at Lotopa. Youd whisk the kids in your arms and chase us away. I always knew everything would be fine if I was late from a function or got caught up in town with our shopping. You'd always have everything under control...kids fed bathed slept spoilt....something I never took for granted and now will miss so much. Thinking of my children missing out on your being there...on their milestones in school in life...is just so unfair. Especially my darling Pele who had grown so fond of you and you of her. She still thinks you are at the hospital and when Adolf grabs the car keys sometimes she pipes up and asks if he is "visiting Nana at the hospital"....

I know there is nothing that will make this any easier apart from time to accept it all. But know that we love you very much and will always keep you close in our hearts and minds , in all that we do and experience. xoxo