Death, Such a morbid subject. A Subject of which you hope, that the only thought you would spare for it, is that one day it will catch up with you. Hopefully when you are old and have a brood of kids and grandkids and you have most certainly lived a life you loved. And you hopefully die in your sleep of old age. Anything other then that picture perfect fairytale description and it’s something that will at least make you flinch for a second. This year draws to an end with two subjects that have been on my mind a lot lately. Death and Life.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot of death. I keep hearing sad stories of people who have died, to what I feel, was unnecessarily. A young man with a septic knee who dies of septicaemia. And it reminds me of the hospital and all the masses of people and patients with huge suffering from small infections. All because they prolonged seeking medical treatment from the hospital and chose instead to go to a fofo. Again, my objection to their (fofos) treatments are only because they do not all, seem to see when something is beyond their control, and their treatments serve only to delay our medical help and prolong and perpetuate the patients suffering. Sure there will be stuff that they’re good at. But is knowing and not knowing which, reason and just enough for the causalities caused??
It’s easy to get frustrated and think- these people are all stupid!! What the hell were they thinking! When someone lies in front of you on the brink of death, can you not see it? (Thinking about kids walking round with huge infections) do you not value their lives and want to do everything in your power to help??? But benefit of doubt graces them with the excuse that perhaps it’s a lack of education and simply not knowing, that better help is there and available to them. Perhaps they feel that they are doing all they can. I can not stop thinking about my sister. I get these flashes of having to tell my siblings in NZ to come home quick. And their questions of “is it serious because we have exams etc etc” hoping that she had just broken a leg or something, and my head going all fuzzy with the knowledge that I knew she was going to die. Instead of yelling that out I just rattled off the list of her injuries, and that was all it took to convey the seriousness of the situation.
Next year, is a new year for me. And I’ve been really emotional about it lately because next year brings my family new life. I am carrying and expecting in July. Ironically that is the same month of Luanas’ unveiling and I am sad that I might miss it. I will fly to NZ for the sake of my future child’s’ dual citizenship and because of all the trouble I had with my first birth, and it will be hard because the last time I did this, Luana was my right hand man. My run around girl who did everything for me in my last month of pregnancy. And then when Adria arrived she was right there like a second mum to her. I have photos with the two of them eyeing each other up, and you can see in my sister’s face a fascination and awe and immense love for my daughter likened only to the expression you would see on a new mother herself.
I am excited and joyful but at the same time heartbroken when I think of what next year brings. It’s like it will be a meeting of life and death, an occasion to celebrate and mourn at the same time. I would do anything in my power to have my sister back, anything. So it really gets to me when I see people who don’t seem to do as much or care as much about their ill relatives. We all live life recklessly, we might not think it but we all, don’t put our seatbelts on every once in a while, or jaywalk a crossing or go above the speed limit, or do something dare-devilish from time to time, and we do take a lot for granted. We do not realise how much we appreciate things until they are ripped out of your heart and dangled in front of your soul, and then you know. But as one of my friends wrote, do we change the way we live? Do we make sure we watch every step and drive slow and avoid hazard with extreme caution, don’t eat this don’t go there etc etc all to try to avoid and cheat every possibility of harm and hazard? No, most probably we make some small changes, but carry on the way we were mostly. I hope, we try to remember to show those you love and care for, that you do love and care for them. Rather then just settling for ‘knowing that they know’.
As for me, this year leaves me with some unwanted nausea dished out hand in hand with new excitement and anticipation; it leaves me with sad memories and a ‘watch this space’ eagerness for new ones to be made. It has been a year of blood, sweat and certainly too many tears. I guess in away 2009 will not fade into the mass of years and time which equivalate ‘my past’ it will indeed be a stand out year that I will never forget. If it has changed me in anyway I hope it has been for the good. Tonight we will celebrate new years over BBQ with friends and family (dang it I cant have a drink!) and I hope 2010 has only good and happy things dished out for all! Happy new years!!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, October 04, 2009
2009
2009
I know its not the end of the year yet, but already I am final in my conclusion that this has to be the WORST year ever, of my life. Tragedy after tragedy after tragedy….Ive lost count of all the tragedys that have occurred, but one thing is sure, this has been a devastating year.
I came to Apia last Friday because this weekend was my mothers 51st birthday as well as my recently deceased little sister Luana’s birthday as well. It was not going to be a happy weekend but I wanted to be here to support my family through it in whatever way I could, even if it was just being around to fufulu the ipus and make cups of tea.
I was booked to go back to Savaii on a boat on Tuesday, however I was rudely awoken that very day by a rumbling earthmoving earthquake. A vase fell off a counter and shattered and the whole day continued to fall apart thereafter.
My daughter was still asleep when the house started moving, for a few seconds I waited and then when what appeared to be dust, started puffing out from between seams in the walls and ceiling , I grabbed her and ran outside. I couldn’t believe how long the earth shook for. Then, confusion over whether there would be a tsunami warning as the quake was sizeable, eventually, even without any messaged alerts ( I thought the phone companies would be messaging people through a warning but maybe I dreamt that up) we headed off to Aleisa to the higher haven of our relies, the Levis up there.it was soon realised that there was a warning as a wave of people and cars started to fill the roads heading in the same direction and sirens could be heard going off in town. The radio was turned on when we arriverd and immediately spilt out reports of waves having hit the southern coast of the island, already reports of missing people and resorts wiped out. I could not believe it.
There is something about catastrophes.I think, either you crack and are completely overwhelmed with the emotion of it all, or you go into auto pilot, right, what needs to be done, where , when , who , how. This is how I react, I think its some sort of safety mechanism for myself to avoid having to break down about things, cause I know I would if I let my guard down.
I wanted to rush to aleipata and those villages right away and help, I got the number for the disaster management officer coordinating things and she said she would ring me back, but I know they would have been busy , doing their own necessary things. Shortly after making these calls I discovered that one of my uncles wives still had her whole family at Aleipata. Her parents, brother and wife, and their two kids. And she had been trying frantically to get ahold of them all morning, with no avail. She had gotten through to a neighbour who could only inform her that their family house had been washed away, but they were unsure as to whether her relatives had made it inland like most people had tried. So after a while her and my uncle decided to head out to look themselves, in the case that they had just left their cellphones behind and were just unreachable.Which was certainly a posibility as I only thought after I had left the house about what I “should have” taken with me!!
The ride out there was the longest ride in my life. The air was thick with tension as we did not know what to expect. News reports kept rolling out of the radio using terms such as “wiped out” “no warning” “wave hit minutes after the quake” all very dampening to the tiny flicker of hope my cousin had that her family were ok. When we got to the village of Aleipata after an almost 3 hour drive due to all the detours we had to make to get there, we were not prepared for the site that met us. Where were the sandy beaches that these villages are known for, what was all the mud, where were the people? the houses? The animals? The vegetation? One could immediately feel the magnitude of the devastation. What seemed like only a handful of people, mostly teenagers roamed through the village. The road had been eaten away into the sea in several places and we were lucky to have taken a 4WD out as we had to drive through swamp and rubble in some places. Solid brick houses were demolished, steel pipes were bowed completely over like flimsy straw in the wind, huge boulders had been uplifted from the sea onto the land, in the few buildings that still stood, debri could be seen clinging to the windows almost 8 feet up the sill an indication of how high the water had gotten. We saw a body in the water and villagers trying to turn it over to see who the face was presumably for identification , stuff that only happens on the news in other countries, was now happening right before our own eyes.
We had to stop and look carefully to identify the foundation of my cousins’ parents house. When in your life, do you ever expect to do that??? It was surrounded by 2 feet of clay/mud that I kept getting stuck in, my relative wailed calling out for her parents…I did not know where or how to start helping. One could see immediately that they would have been in one of the least fortunate spots in the disaster with a swamp of water (mangrove) behind them, followed by spiky thick mangrove bush. No high ground nearby. The ma’umaga or plantation was some distance in land likely only accessible quickly by car. We saw their family vehicle upturned in the water in the mangrove, squashed like a empty can of coke. Do we swim out to it??what does one do??! There was a sense of urgency in me…but a reality jolt as well…its almost 5 hours since the wave hit. If someone is lying in the water, they are most probably drowned…but one still can not help but hope to do something, see something, help someone. She asked some kids if they knew anything of her parents and they wrecklessly said “I think they are dead but your brother is at the hospital”….talk about breaking bad news in the worst possible way, I jumped in quickly instructing if they knew for sure, had they seen bodies, who told them, and of course the little idiots quickly changed their story saying they didn’t actually know anything about her parents but lots of people were dead.
We headed to the hospital, at the time I think my cousins still thought, that everything was going to be fine, as anyone would. When something like this happens, you just keep telling yourself its all ok at every checkpoint that you can. The hospital was chokablock. The medical team had been working nonstop since they got out there and by the time we arrived there was little more I could offer to help with. All they needed now was large vehicles to move injured people with. I stood talking with a collegue I knew and could hear in the distant a woman screaming, what I did not realise until a minute or two later was that it was my cousin. She had been told that both her parents had died, their bodies had been taken to Apia already as well as her brothers daughter, and they were still searching for his son. His wife had sustained serious injuries and was in critical condition at Apia already. Her brother had been the only persons spared of major injury.
How does one prepare themselves for so many blows at one time. I think going crazy would be accepted. If I thought the ride TO the disaster zone was long, the ride home was even longer. On the way we passed several large trucks, bulldozers, cars belonging to businesses that had ambulance signs plastered on them to convert them to makeshift ones. We also crossed a couple of car accidents, likely due to speeding vehicles, and then an ambulance with a flat tyre, who were carrying people and what also appeared to be dead bodies out to vehicles which had stopped alongside and offered their services. Arriving at the hospital itself brought no joy. Another reality check when a staff member met my cousin with news that all 4 of her relatives presumed dead, 3 in the morgue, and one presumed passed away whos body still had not been found. The morgue area was packed with people and there were rows of people in seats alongside the road. The poor PR skills of the tired staff that were there is to be excused as im sure they have never had to deal with anything of this sort before. Only a few hours after learning that her whole family except one had been killed someone was pushing to ask if she was ready to take the bodies with her (uhmm..the lady is still in shock, let alone has given thought to a 4 person funeral just yet) then there was misinformation from another staff member who said, only 3 bodies were here but there was a kid in the ER with no family who might be her nephew. Then a walk to ER side was met with an angry policeman demanding to know what we wanted, when we explained, he said “well thanks for telling me but move on cause its busy here etc etc” another nurse who was not being asked anyway but was obviously eavesdropping shot out at us “everyone is being treated!!” uhmmm ok lady, (it was a fafafine actually) didn’t ask you if people were being ‘treated’ just need to know if this kid has been identified and if he needs his mum, dad someone by his side!
Anyways, cut a long story short, it wasn’t him. My cousin has indeed lost both her parents, and her brother has lost both children. An unimaginable tragedy in the largest of scales. I can not imagine what they are going through, I have lost one of my own sisters recently who was very dear to me, and it still feels like someone has ripped out my heart and beat it with a lead bat, imagining losing all my family and children in one go…is just the worst life sentence ever. My heart goes out to all the families who have lost children, to mothers who tried but were no match to mother nature, to husbands who clung to their wives only to have them swept out of their arms, to the old folk who struggled…this is a disaster that will be remembered for centuries.
I know its not the end of the year yet, but already I am final in my conclusion that this has to be the WORST year ever, of my life. Tragedy after tragedy after tragedy….Ive lost count of all the tragedys that have occurred, but one thing is sure, this has been a devastating year.
I came to Apia last Friday because this weekend was my mothers 51st birthday as well as my recently deceased little sister Luana’s birthday as well. It was not going to be a happy weekend but I wanted to be here to support my family through it in whatever way I could, even if it was just being around to fufulu the ipus and make cups of tea.
I was booked to go back to Savaii on a boat on Tuesday, however I was rudely awoken that very day by a rumbling earthmoving earthquake. A vase fell off a counter and shattered and the whole day continued to fall apart thereafter.
My daughter was still asleep when the house started moving, for a few seconds I waited and then when what appeared to be dust, started puffing out from between seams in the walls and ceiling , I grabbed her and ran outside. I couldn’t believe how long the earth shook for. Then, confusion over whether there would be a tsunami warning as the quake was sizeable, eventually, even without any messaged alerts ( I thought the phone companies would be messaging people through a warning but maybe I dreamt that up) we headed off to Aleisa to the higher haven of our relies, the Levis up there.it was soon realised that there was a warning as a wave of people and cars started to fill the roads heading in the same direction and sirens could be heard going off in town. The radio was turned on when we arriverd and immediately spilt out reports of waves having hit the southern coast of the island, already reports of missing people and resorts wiped out. I could not believe it.
There is something about catastrophes.I think, either you crack and are completely overwhelmed with the emotion of it all, or you go into auto pilot, right, what needs to be done, where , when , who , how. This is how I react, I think its some sort of safety mechanism for myself to avoid having to break down about things, cause I know I would if I let my guard down.
I wanted to rush to aleipata and those villages right away and help, I got the number for the disaster management officer coordinating things and she said she would ring me back, but I know they would have been busy , doing their own necessary things. Shortly after making these calls I discovered that one of my uncles wives still had her whole family at Aleipata. Her parents, brother and wife, and their two kids. And she had been trying frantically to get ahold of them all morning, with no avail. She had gotten through to a neighbour who could only inform her that their family house had been washed away, but they were unsure as to whether her relatives had made it inland like most people had tried. So after a while her and my uncle decided to head out to look themselves, in the case that they had just left their cellphones behind and were just unreachable.Which was certainly a posibility as I only thought after I had left the house about what I “should have” taken with me!!
The ride out there was the longest ride in my life. The air was thick with tension as we did not know what to expect. News reports kept rolling out of the radio using terms such as “wiped out” “no warning” “wave hit minutes after the quake” all very dampening to the tiny flicker of hope my cousin had that her family were ok. When we got to the village of Aleipata after an almost 3 hour drive due to all the detours we had to make to get there, we were not prepared for the site that met us. Where were the sandy beaches that these villages are known for, what was all the mud, where were the people? the houses? The animals? The vegetation? One could immediately feel the magnitude of the devastation. What seemed like only a handful of people, mostly teenagers roamed through the village. The road had been eaten away into the sea in several places and we were lucky to have taken a 4WD out as we had to drive through swamp and rubble in some places. Solid brick houses were demolished, steel pipes were bowed completely over like flimsy straw in the wind, huge boulders had been uplifted from the sea onto the land, in the few buildings that still stood, debri could be seen clinging to the windows almost 8 feet up the sill an indication of how high the water had gotten. We saw a body in the water and villagers trying to turn it over to see who the face was presumably for identification , stuff that only happens on the news in other countries, was now happening right before our own eyes.
We had to stop and look carefully to identify the foundation of my cousins’ parents house. When in your life, do you ever expect to do that??? It was surrounded by 2 feet of clay/mud that I kept getting stuck in, my relative wailed calling out for her parents…I did not know where or how to start helping. One could see immediately that they would have been in one of the least fortunate spots in the disaster with a swamp of water (mangrove) behind them, followed by spiky thick mangrove bush. No high ground nearby. The ma’umaga or plantation was some distance in land likely only accessible quickly by car. We saw their family vehicle upturned in the water in the mangrove, squashed like a empty can of coke. Do we swim out to it??what does one do??! There was a sense of urgency in me…but a reality jolt as well…its almost 5 hours since the wave hit. If someone is lying in the water, they are most probably drowned…but one still can not help but hope to do something, see something, help someone. She asked some kids if they knew anything of her parents and they wrecklessly said “I think they are dead but your brother is at the hospital”….talk about breaking bad news in the worst possible way, I jumped in quickly instructing if they knew for sure, had they seen bodies, who told them, and of course the little idiots quickly changed their story saying they didn’t actually know anything about her parents but lots of people were dead.
We headed to the hospital, at the time I think my cousins still thought, that everything was going to be fine, as anyone would. When something like this happens, you just keep telling yourself its all ok at every checkpoint that you can. The hospital was chokablock. The medical team had been working nonstop since they got out there and by the time we arrived there was little more I could offer to help with. All they needed now was large vehicles to move injured people with. I stood talking with a collegue I knew and could hear in the distant a woman screaming, what I did not realise until a minute or two later was that it was my cousin. She had been told that both her parents had died, their bodies had been taken to Apia already as well as her brothers daughter, and they were still searching for his son. His wife had sustained serious injuries and was in critical condition at Apia already. Her brother had been the only persons spared of major injury.
How does one prepare themselves for so many blows at one time. I think going crazy would be accepted. If I thought the ride TO the disaster zone was long, the ride home was even longer. On the way we passed several large trucks, bulldozers, cars belonging to businesses that had ambulance signs plastered on them to convert them to makeshift ones. We also crossed a couple of car accidents, likely due to speeding vehicles, and then an ambulance with a flat tyre, who were carrying people and what also appeared to be dead bodies out to vehicles which had stopped alongside and offered their services. Arriving at the hospital itself brought no joy. Another reality check when a staff member met my cousin with news that all 4 of her relatives presumed dead, 3 in the morgue, and one presumed passed away whos body still had not been found. The morgue area was packed with people and there were rows of people in seats alongside the road. The poor PR skills of the tired staff that were there is to be excused as im sure they have never had to deal with anything of this sort before. Only a few hours after learning that her whole family except one had been killed someone was pushing to ask if she was ready to take the bodies with her (uhmm..the lady is still in shock, let alone has given thought to a 4 person funeral just yet) then there was misinformation from another staff member who said, only 3 bodies were here but there was a kid in the ER with no family who might be her nephew. Then a walk to ER side was met with an angry policeman demanding to know what we wanted, when we explained, he said “well thanks for telling me but move on cause its busy here etc etc” another nurse who was not being asked anyway but was obviously eavesdropping shot out at us “everyone is being treated!!” uhmmm ok lady, (it was a fafafine actually) didn’t ask you if people were being ‘treated’ just need to know if this kid has been identified and if he needs his mum, dad someone by his side!
Anyways, cut a long story short, it wasn’t him. My cousin has indeed lost both her parents, and her brother has lost both children. An unimaginable tragedy in the largest of scales. I can not imagine what they are going through, I have lost one of my own sisters recently who was very dear to me, and it still feels like someone has ripped out my heart and beat it with a lead bat, imagining losing all my family and children in one go…is just the worst life sentence ever. My heart goes out to all the families who have lost children, to mothers who tried but were no match to mother nature, to husbands who clung to their wives only to have them swept out of their arms, to the old folk who struggled…this is a disaster that will be remembered for centuries.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Im on a break
And yet I feel like Im having to explain a divorce to people when they ask. Perhaps that is because that is how I feel about it really, but just dont know it yet. I have divorced my job.Well not my job cause I have many jobs, but my profession.For now.
And this is why its hard
"because it is a noble job""because it is a gift" "becuase you are doing so much good" "because your people need you" "because there arent enough of you" "because you can help so many" "because who will help them if youre not there?"
The reasons are plentiful arent they...and genuine..and guilt inducing...
but what about me...what about finding a job that makes me happy??Am I dreaming maybe??maybe everyone hates their jobs and Im just living in lala land thinking Im the only one stuck with a job that gives me grief...But what about my family, my daughter?my husband? my parents?my siblings?? who i feel all miss out because im too busy too tired to caught up and cranky with my job?? what about all the crap i put up with, with people who dont want to listen to me because-a fofo is smarter-im too young- im a woman, find me a male-
what about everyone who komumums everyday because im not there quick enough for them coz i have a life and work starts at this particular hour everyday and not 'when you want it" and therefore I am the one that cops with all the verbal abuse and mental insanity! what about all the people who lie thru their teeth about neglecting their kids, their elderly,their own chronic illness who think Im stupid, that give me headaches, heartaches, stomach aches?? what about me??? Im meant to swallow all that, in order to 'help'..until what..until im divorced and have a headful of sigas and high blood pressure from stress and my child hates me for not spending enough time with her and my parents miss out on their only grand daughter and my sister dies and im stuck on another island and my own workmates tell me her pupils were fixed and dilated on arrival and they and I can do nothing???not that that was my jobs fault...but theres still an association...
well thats why...I divorced my job. And I drive past my workplace sometimes and wait to see if i miss it, and I dont.
well, at least not at this moment in time...
so Im spending some me time..and its been good. And im thankful that I live in Samoa and I can take this time out...
And this is why its hard
"because it is a noble job""because it is a gift" "becuase you are doing so much good" "because your people need you" "because there arent enough of you" "because you can help so many" "because who will help them if youre not there?"
The reasons are plentiful arent they...and genuine..and guilt inducing...
but what about me...what about finding a job that makes me happy??Am I dreaming maybe??maybe everyone hates their jobs and Im just living in lala land thinking Im the only one stuck with a job that gives me grief...But what about my family, my daughter?my husband? my parents?my siblings?? who i feel all miss out because im too busy too tired to caught up and cranky with my job?? what about all the crap i put up with, with people who dont want to listen to me because-a fofo is smarter-im too young- im a woman, find me a male-
what about everyone who komumums everyday because im not there quick enough for them coz i have a life and work starts at this particular hour everyday and not 'when you want it" and therefore I am the one that cops with all the verbal abuse and mental insanity! what about all the people who lie thru their teeth about neglecting their kids, their elderly,their own chronic illness who think Im stupid, that give me headaches, heartaches, stomach aches?? what about me??? Im meant to swallow all that, in order to 'help'..until what..until im divorced and have a headful of sigas and high blood pressure from stress and my child hates me for not spending enough time with her and my parents miss out on their only grand daughter and my sister dies and im stuck on another island and my own workmates tell me her pupils were fixed and dilated on arrival and they and I can do nothing???not that that was my jobs fault...but theres still an association...
well thats why...I divorced my job. And I drive past my workplace sometimes and wait to see if i miss it, and I dont.
well, at least not at this moment in time...
so Im spending some me time..and its been good. And im thankful that I live in Samoa and I can take this time out...
Sunday, July 05, 2009
grief
My paternal grandfather died the year I was born. Up to now I am not sure whether it was before or after I was born, I like to think it was after so that in my mind I can smile at the thought that we met. The information I know of my grandfather however is as sketchy as my knowing the date he died. the little I do know, came from what my mother told us kids, what my grandmother and aunty mentioned of him too, very little information actually came from my dad, who is his second son.
For years I blamed my dad for this lack of information as some sort of dissappointment to us. I thought he did not see the importance of passing information about family down, geneology, sharing with us his children stories of our ancestors. I thought he was male and just careless.
Now, I see what I think I always knew already. that my grandfather, my dads dad, is a subject too painful for my father to talk about. I know they were very close, and the only details of my grandfathers passing I do know of, was that he had a fatal illness and in his last days he hung in there until he got to say goodbye to my dad (died just after dad arrived)As much as my dad is the rock of our family, through thick and thin, when it comes to my grandad, his emotions are still raw and heavy, even after almost 30 years since he passed.
In some ways I think, thank goodness for blogging and websites,here is an avenue with which I share my thoughts and moments, things that person to person, I know I couldnt do. And as much as its for my friends and perhaps family, a way to reach out to them and share things that I want to but just cant, its for me. yes, I do read my blogs, and perhaps someday (if this blogsite still exists!) my kids will too (oh, when I have more then one kid!LOL)
If only my dad blogged, then maybe I would know much more about my grandad, who is still such a mystery to me...I know he ran a big plantation, he grew apparently some of the biggest avocado in Samoa, he and his sons drank too much beer, and that he was a pilot?? in the airforce /army. Thats really about all I know.
Now, I understand my dads pain, and I wonder, if it will take me that long too. Will I be silent about my sister, because it is too painful to talk about. Will my children know enough about the wonderful and great aunty they will never get to do fun things with? Will they know she would have loved them so much, like her own? its so not fair.
For those who dont know already, I have resigned from work, for many reasons, but mainly, because my gut instinct told me I would be happier if I did. And I am.I did go in for one day last week, I thought I might try a day, but funny how you think youre ready to do something (like go bunjee jump!) and then you get there and the emotions all rush in, and you realise you cant. Will it be like this forever?or for a long time? who knows...
What I do know, are these tough times bring up so many unaswerable questions, so many ifs whys hows...the only thing I do know, is you find strength in your friends and families, and for that I am truly grateful that I have such a strong and loving family, both my own and my in laws. The same goes for my friends, I can not fault any of them. they have all been a constant support and it reminds me why I moved back home.
For years I blamed my dad for this lack of information as some sort of dissappointment to us. I thought he did not see the importance of passing information about family down, geneology, sharing with us his children stories of our ancestors. I thought he was male and just careless.
Now, I see what I think I always knew already. that my grandfather, my dads dad, is a subject too painful for my father to talk about. I know they were very close, and the only details of my grandfathers passing I do know of, was that he had a fatal illness and in his last days he hung in there until he got to say goodbye to my dad (died just after dad arrived)As much as my dad is the rock of our family, through thick and thin, when it comes to my grandad, his emotions are still raw and heavy, even after almost 30 years since he passed.
In some ways I think, thank goodness for blogging and websites,here is an avenue with which I share my thoughts and moments, things that person to person, I know I couldnt do. And as much as its for my friends and perhaps family, a way to reach out to them and share things that I want to but just cant, its for me. yes, I do read my blogs, and perhaps someday (if this blogsite still exists!) my kids will too (oh, when I have more then one kid!LOL)
If only my dad blogged, then maybe I would know much more about my grandad, who is still such a mystery to me...I know he ran a big plantation, he grew apparently some of the biggest avocado in Samoa, he and his sons drank too much beer, and that he was a pilot?? in the airforce /army. Thats really about all I know.
Now, I understand my dads pain, and I wonder, if it will take me that long too. Will I be silent about my sister, because it is too painful to talk about. Will my children know enough about the wonderful and great aunty they will never get to do fun things with? Will they know she would have loved them so much, like her own? its so not fair.
For those who dont know already, I have resigned from work, for many reasons, but mainly, because my gut instinct told me I would be happier if I did. And I am.I did go in for one day last week, I thought I might try a day, but funny how you think youre ready to do something (like go bunjee jump!) and then you get there and the emotions all rush in, and you realise you cant. Will it be like this forever?or for a long time? who knows...
What I do know, are these tough times bring up so many unaswerable questions, so many ifs whys hows...the only thing I do know, is you find strength in your friends and families, and for that I am truly grateful that I have such a strong and loving family, both my own and my in laws. The same goes for my friends, I can not fault any of them. they have all been a constant support and it reminds me why I moved back home.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Can You Help??
CAN YOU HELP??
So , basically I have given up, given up asking again and again for things we desperately need at our little hospital in the middle of nowhere, which is somewhere to me, and 40,000+ other humble Samoans. I asked last week, last month, last year, and keep getting the yes ok , but years later and the same old broken doors with its broken internals, are opening up to the same frustrated but grateful patients. You look at our hospital and it looks nice, that’s because whoever donated the paintjob did a good job, but forgot to check whether the nicely painted hospital needed anything nice, like the everyday equipment needed to save and improve lives!!
So here it is, my beg and plea...to any good Samaritan out there who might have a pair of these to spare, we would receive anything ever so gratefully, as we at present make do with the very basic of everything, if anything.
We need
- Some good Blood pressure machines (in medical terms sphygomaneter!!)
- preferably with a cuff that is extra large (we only have the flimsy average sized cuffs which do not fit most above average sized Samoans half the time they are broken/leaking/out of batteries) we also need the kids sized cuffs, cos sick kids need their Blood pressure monitored too...here in Savaii we use the “hmm...he looks like his BP is ok” which does not work ALL the time...
We need crutches...desperately
Old ones new ones, broken ones, short ones tall ones. Remember those pairs you saw in your cousin’s uncles closet from when he broke his leg 3 years ago?? If you can spare it, you will change someone’s life here. The number of times I flinch when I see a child with a broken leg or an adult who developed terrible hip pains come into the hospital , and having to tell them to keep their weight off their leg for 6 weeks or longer, for a child, means being completely crippled for 6 weeks- no school, no play no interaction, because we have no crutches to give them that would allow them the freedom of mobility while still keeping their weight off the leg. What happens is kids miss out on school and end up repeating a year, or they are determined to walk on it anyway and then the break never heals, gets more complicated, and lands them in hospital with several sequels of operations to fix what was initially an uncomplicated fracture. The elderly people, become bedridden, develop terrible pressure (bed sores) sores which end up needing surgery they become depressed, they miss out on life and give up... all because we can not offer them crutches.
Its not as if we have NO crutches in Samoa...we just don’t have any in Savaii, and telling people they need to go to Apia and go through the long waitlist of getting measured and awaiting some carpenter somewhere to MAKE the crutches..Is like asking them, them with no paid employee in the family, to move to another country...it does not happen.
We need bandages, anything you can spare of all sizes and shapes...we run on recycled gauze (flimsy cotton) and tape that rips the hairs off your arms and cotton wool- I long for
the days of beautiful clear opsite, and cutifilm, and absorbent and non-absorbent dressings, different ones for boils and cuts and scrapes and sprains...not all the same pathetic gauze, wrapped, tied, stuck on..And fingers crossed things work out.
What’s this little fancy gadget you may ask?? It’s called a saturation monitor, and it gives us vital information on whether a critically ill patient is receiving enough or too much oxygen. It is such a small little device but gives us HUGE bits of information. Savaii has none, Apia has some...but
one would be all we needed, one small leap for man (the Savaii man) one HUGE leap for mankind (the Savaii kind) if you know a GP or work at a hospital that might be getting new ones and tossing old ones...please think of us...it would make a huge difference, to that relative of yours when they come in with Pneumonia, asthma, heart problems, and more....
Curtains, old ones new ones, ones made out of old sheets, tablecloths whatever, our cubicles and even some toilets (!!) have NO PRIVACY...someone last year nicely decided to donate and put up some curtain RACKS...so they are their in place waiting to be used..But oddly enough...no curtains...can you help?? Do you like to sew?? It isn’t until you are a patient and realise how hugely uncomfortable it is to have 30 other patients see everything you do, including using a urinal by your bed if you cant for whatever reason make it to the bathroom, get a sponge bath and wounds on your bum dressed twice a day in front of huge audiences, that you will know the extent of gratitude one would have for a simple curtain, walling them off from the prying eyes of the public, especially when you’re not feeling your best to begin with .
On a brighter note, do you have any of these lying around??
Yes, books, kiddies books, I dream a dream, that dream is the day our little hospital has something to offer our paeds (kids) wing. These kids, sick and irritable come to the hospital and spend days to weeks, missing out on school, and the social privileges and luxuries of being children, they spend their days staring at the walls, pulling their hair out and begging their paren
ts to go home. It breaks my heart, and 1 time out of 2, parents will abscond with their children, simply because they can not bare to stay here with us. I am sure if the ward was a little friendlier with a few books to make up for missing out on school and for past time, life in the hospital would be sooo much different for them. While we are on that subject I may as well mention that a few toys wouldn’t go amiss as well!!
And if I’m mentioning books, I might as well mention that we have no where to PUT the books- and toys, and if you could spare a bookshelf – that one that’s been sitting in the garage for years, we would treasure it like it were worth its weight in GOLD!
Anything that you might be able to help our little hospital with would be hugely appreciated, and we would be grateful for years to come. People often forget about the little hospital in Savaii...You walk into the one in Apia and the kids ward has a Ronald McDonald feel and toys and pretty pictures and TV and books...its like a hospital in Auckland, we have nothing, nada, gloomy stale walls, no ventilation (fans) or curtains or even a hot water kettle for the patients...we might as well have been a few docs nurses bits and bobs lumped up in a white box...so, if you can help...please let me know...Thanks.
So , basically I have given up, given up asking again and again for things we desperately need at our little hospital in the middle of nowhere, which is somewhere to me, and 40,000+ other humble Samoans. I asked last week, last month, last year, and keep getting the yes ok , but years later and the same old broken doors with its broken internals, are opening up to the same frustrated but grateful patients. You look at our hospital and it looks nice, that’s because whoever donated the paintjob did a good job, but forgot to check whether the nicely painted hospital needed anything nice, like the everyday equipment needed to save and improve lives!!
So here it is, my beg and plea...to any good Samaritan out there who might have a pair of these to spare, we would receive anything ever so gratefully, as we at present make do with the very basic of everything, if anything.
We need
- Some good Blood pressure machines (in medical terms sphygomaneter!!)
- preferably with a cuff that is extra large (we only have the flimsy average sized cuffs which do not fit most above average sized Samoans half the time they are broken/leaking/out of batteries) we also need the kids sized cuffs, cos sick kids need their Blood pressure monitored too...here in Savaii we use the “hmm...he looks like his BP is ok” which does not work ALL the time...
We need crutches...desperately
Old ones new ones, broken ones, short ones tall ones. Remember those pairs you saw in your cousin’s uncles closet from when he broke his leg 3 years ago?? If you can spare it, you will change someone’s life here. The number of times I flinch when I see a child with a broken leg or an adult who developed terrible hip pains come into the hospital , and having to tell them to keep their weight off their leg for 6 weeks or longer, for a child, means being completely crippled for 6 weeks- no school, no play no interaction, because we have no crutches to give them that would allow them the freedom of mobility while still keeping their weight off the leg. What happens is kids miss out on school and end up repeating a year, or they are determined to walk on it anyway and then the break never heals, gets more complicated, and lands them in hospital with several sequels of operations to fix what was initially an uncomplicated fracture. The elderly people, become bedridden, develop terrible pressure (bed sores) sores which end up needing surgery they become depressed, they miss out on life and give up... all because we can not offer them crutches.
Its not as if we have NO crutches in Samoa...we just don’t have any in Savaii, and telling people they need to go to Apia and go through the long waitlist of getting measured and awaiting some carpenter somewhere to MAKE the crutches..Is like asking them, them with no paid employee in the family, to move to another country...it does not happen.
We need bandages, anything you can spare of all sizes and shapes...we run on recycled gauze (flimsy cotton) and tape that rips the hairs off your arms and cotton wool- I long for
the days of beautiful clear opsite, and cutifilm, and absorbent and non-absorbent dressings, different ones for boils and cuts and scrapes and sprains...not all the same pathetic gauze, wrapped, tied, stuck on..And fingers crossed things work out.
What’s this little fancy gadget you may ask?? It’s called a saturation monitor, and it gives us vital information on whether a critically ill patient is receiving enough or too much oxygen. It is such a small little device but gives us HUGE bits of information. Savaii has none, Apia has some...but
one would be all we needed, one small leap for man (the Savaii man) one HUGE leap for mankind (the Savaii kind) if you know a GP or work at a hospital that might be getting new ones and tossing old ones...please think of us...it would make a huge difference, to that relative of yours when they come in with Pneumonia, asthma, heart problems, and more....
Curtains, old ones new ones, ones made out of old sheets, tablecloths whatever, our cubicles and even some toilets (!!) have NO PRIVACY...someone last year nicely decided to donate and put up some curtain RACKS...so they are their in place waiting to be used..But oddly enough...no curtains...can you help?? Do you like to sew?? It isn’t until you are a patient and realise how hugely uncomfortable it is to have 30 other patients see everything you do, including using a urinal by your bed if you cant for whatever reason make it to the bathroom, get a sponge bath and wounds on your bum dressed twice a day in front of huge audiences, that you will know the extent of gratitude one would have for a simple curtain, walling them off from the prying eyes of the public, especially when you’re not feeling your best to begin with .
On a brighter note, do you have any of these lying around??
Yes, books, kiddies books, I dream a dream, that dream is the day our little hospital has something to offer our paeds (kids) wing. These kids, sick and irritable come to the hospital and spend days to weeks, missing out on school, and the social privileges and luxuries of being children, they spend their days staring at the walls, pulling their hair out and begging their paren
ts to go home. It breaks my heart, and 1 time out of 2, parents will abscond with their children, simply because they can not bare to stay here with us. I am sure if the ward was a little friendlier with a few books to make up for missing out on school and for past time, life in the hospital would be sooo much different for them. While we are on that subject I may as well mention that a few toys wouldn’t go amiss as well!!
And if I’m mentioning books, I might as well mention that we have no where to PUT the books- and toys, and if you could spare a bookshelf – that one that’s been sitting in the garage for years, we would treasure it like it were worth its weight in GOLD!
Anything that you might be able to help our little hospital with would be hugely appreciated, and we would be grateful for years to come. People often forget about the little hospital in Savaii...You walk into the one in Apia and the kids ward has a Ronald McDonald feel and toys and pretty pictures and TV and books...its like a hospital in Auckland, we have nothing, nada, gloomy stale walls, no ventilation (fans) or curtains or even a hot water kettle for the patients...we might as well have been a few docs nurses bits and bobs lumped up in a white box...so, if you can help...please let me know...Thanks.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
babies
Yesterday was a terrible day at work. I came home, feeling numb, my legs somehow seemed to drag behind me and I felt like a zombie. I couldn't’t really think straight, was not sure if i was angry or sad or in shock. The first thing I Did was pick up my baby and hug and kiss her like I had not held her for days even though I had only been away for 4 hours.
Yesterday I left the ward earlier then normal to help out in the ED/Outpatient, and a catastrophe landed on our doorstep. A lifeless infant was rushed in and immediately all hands were on deck. For what seemed like forever we tried to revive this infant,when it arrived, although it had no heart beat or breath sounds, it was still warm, so in my mind, whatever had happened , had happened in the last few minutes which gave me a glimpse of hope.We tried everything we could, EVERYTHING and more. I stood at the head of the resus bed and ventilated and gave orders, get this draw up that...like a rush of adrenaline I was determined that we could save this child. But the statistics are, that 95% of all babies rushed into hospital in a life threatening state or without vitals, are met with death. We can save only 5% of them. I tried, we tried so hard. I did things I had only read about and not even seen done because all else had failed. And still, the gloomy hands of a terrible fate set in and took this child from us. I was annoyed by the pace of everyones movements, in these situations every second counts, but looking back, everyone was rushing around, it just seemed like every second was a minute, and every minute was an hour. An hour of trying, all the while frantic parents, a frantic mother, wailing around us, asking what was happening, distressed. Towards the end, when I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I started crying, I hit myself because I had tried for so long not to. Big useless sook. I blame it on the post pregnancy hormones if there is such a thing. Ever since having a child, all kids are now precious and personal to me.
I couldn't answer the parents wails over what was happening, but when i started crying- not the wailing type cry but a silent tear dropping cry, in the middle of still ventilating they knew what was coming. And my heart broke. Nothing i could say could ease this moment for them. So I stayed silent. It IS so unfair, a parent should NEVER have to see their child die. How does the mind body and SOUL recover from something like this?? I think a small part of you never does.
We still don’t really know what happened, we think it was SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) look it up if you have children, this is the sole reason my daughter has a flat head! And i wouldn’t have it any other way. People don’t know much about it here, but the word needs to get out because its universal. I try to tell mothers of young babys about it, sleep babys on their backs at least til they are 6 months etc. But the information needs to get out there beyond the confines of the outpatient visiting room. Something Im going to work on. Get a pamphlet out there or something, hopefully people read it.
Ok, soifua
Yesterday I left the ward earlier then normal to help out in the ED/Outpatient, and a catastrophe landed on our doorstep. A lifeless infant was rushed in and immediately all hands were on deck. For what seemed like forever we tried to revive this infant,when it arrived, although it had no heart beat or breath sounds, it was still warm, so in my mind, whatever had happened , had happened in the last few minutes which gave me a glimpse of hope.We tried everything we could, EVERYTHING and more. I stood at the head of the resus bed and ventilated and gave orders, get this draw up that...like a rush of adrenaline I was determined that we could save this child. But the statistics are, that 95% of all babies rushed into hospital in a life threatening state or without vitals, are met with death. We can save only 5% of them. I tried, we tried so hard. I did things I had only read about and not even seen done because all else had failed. And still, the gloomy hands of a terrible fate set in and took this child from us. I was annoyed by the pace of everyones movements, in these situations every second counts, but looking back, everyone was rushing around, it just seemed like every second was a minute, and every minute was an hour. An hour of trying, all the while frantic parents, a frantic mother, wailing around us, asking what was happening, distressed. Towards the end, when I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I started crying, I hit myself because I had tried for so long not to. Big useless sook. I blame it on the post pregnancy hormones if there is such a thing. Ever since having a child, all kids are now precious and personal to me.
I couldn't answer the parents wails over what was happening, but when i started crying- not the wailing type cry but a silent tear dropping cry, in the middle of still ventilating they knew what was coming. And my heart broke. Nothing i could say could ease this moment for them. So I stayed silent. It IS so unfair, a parent should NEVER have to see their child die. How does the mind body and SOUL recover from something like this?? I think a small part of you never does.
We still don’t really know what happened, we think it was SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) look it up if you have children, this is the sole reason my daughter has a flat head! And i wouldn’t have it any other way. People don’t know much about it here, but the word needs to get out because its universal. I try to tell mothers of young babys about it, sleep babys on their backs at least til they are 6 months etc. But the information needs to get out there beyond the confines of the outpatient visiting room. Something Im going to work on. Get a pamphlet out there or something, hopefully people read it.
Ok, soifua
Friday, March 20, 2009
Im back
From at 2.5 week holiday to auzzie/aukalani. quick trip to take adria to meet her pops (my dad ) in Auzzie, all up auzzie was hot, big but ok. Aukilani was cold, familiar and had too much easily available junk food for my liking!! Im sure as with everyone else, you never have enough $$ to do ALL the shopping that you WANT to do, and had to change our tickets so we could spend extra time with family (not that the 90% of our time that we spent with them was too little!! he he) even still, we still did not manage to meet up with lots more friends and relatives (sorry if you are one of them!! we thought about you!!)
SOOOOOOO, Im back at work. At the hospital, at the hotel...its full on- hosp is same crap different day, challenges me every moment im there. Hotel has been busy with groups of particular organisations and government departments, its amazing how much these guys spend (considering its tax payers money) on food/drinks/bar tabs. Like, the drivers order extra takeaway meals and run up bar tabs, its AMAZING (or is it lack of organisation/control by whoever is organising these trips) working in this industry is a real eye opener for me- seeing how other public servants get to spree. Sometimes i think perhaps, they work hard and only go on a trip like this once in a lifetime so are going all out, but then again these are the same faces that came last year...and the year before, and Im sure we are not the only resort theyve been too.It eggs me cos im a public servant (work for government) and my job has NO perks (apart from the 'satisfaction I get from helping people' yea ok, try to buy a car with that. And i mean no perks, not even a hot water kettle in sight to make a cup of coffee if I really needed one (our staff BORROW kettles from our patients- which I think is BS and keep telling them not to do it- esp the patients who need boiled water like formula fed babies etc)
SO i read a friends blog recently, spelling out her days work, which involved long lunch breaks and hours sitting at a desk trying to think of things to do, and I hear my other pals talk about similar settings at their jobs, and it makes me really wish my job were a little bit easier.
Today, I- saw a woman with metastatic cancer of unknown origin (all that means is we dont know where it started, but shes pretty much doomed cos its everywhere and we cant cut her lungs heart and brain out) who 1) presented once last year with a cough and a funny shadow in xray then was never seen again.2) presented after a year of a a tumour the size of a rugby ball growing out of her left back & failed samoan fofo, after much investigation bar one more to go, had to give her the bad news that it doesnt look good- sux to be me, I was sympathetic as she is young (40s) but so damned irritated by the fact that she sought fofo for so long- i mean, its partly the fofos fault now cause it has delayed her seeking medical advice from us, but no point now in telling them that. its like saying- "its your fault now youre gonna die so there" isnt it?
then, saw an 'angry' asthmatic...yes, angry that shes in hosp again, doesnt want to take her inhalers cause they give her a bad taste on her tongue (thats sometimes what happens when you have poor technique and swallow the powder instead of inhale it) tried to tell her this all while she was looking at me like i was a complete idiot, and then a long whinge about wanting a tablet to 'cure' it (we are not magicians with magic potions you know) and asked if she could see the surgeons to have an 'operation to fix it' - uhm sorry- no can do!-tried to politely explain all this, amindst lots of 'eh!' and "se!" and head shaking, so after a while got a bit fed up and told her off, i mean shes a 40 yr old woman with asthma her whole life, started in NZ- admitted to hospital often there and even got special 1 on 1 education on athma and how to use inhalers...and now shes throwing a hissy fit all becoz she stopped taking her meds and consquently got an attack...eh! thats all i have to say...if you cant help yourself dont think im going to find a way to make it easier for ya!
then, tried to ring apia to arrange a test for a patient of mines- this is how doing this pans out- ring our operator- transfer me to apia..wait-5 mins music , apia operator, can you get me the surgical doctor on call , UHM WE DONT KNOW WHO IT IS... dont you have a roster/list...YES BUT ITS GONE...gone?? GONE LOST NOTHING....ok well can you TF (transfer) to surgery ward please....wait, 5mins music, surg ward, HALO? hi can i speak to the surgical doctor on call...E , KA'ILO FOI PO'O AI....arent you meant to have a list?...E, KA'ILO FO'I PO'O AI UA AVE'ESEA FO'I LE LISI MAI LE LAUPAPA.. ok well can i speak to any of th docs?...E LE'AI MA GISI O I... do you know where they are??...PEI A O LAE O I LE OUTPATIENT...whats the extension for there??...E, KA'ILO, KALI MAI LE LA KOE TRANSFER OE I LE OPERATOR.....then she hung up on me..dooooo dooooo dooooo ringing in my ears
start all over again, cept go thru to outpatient...can i speak to one of the surgical docs....GA O LE ON CALL LE I BUT O LAE PISI.....is he with a patient....UHMM..LAE I KOKOGU LE POKU SA VAAI LAGA MA'I KAILO PO'O KUSI AGA NOTES...well can you ask if he has a moment im calling from savaii...wait ten minutes...HALO???O AI LEA...im calling from savaii, iw as waiting for someone to ask for the surgical doc for me...E , POO AI FOI UA ALU MA KI'A'I LE KALEFONI MA LOU REQUEST!KALI MAI.....wait another 5 minuets...WUI, E , UA LEAI SEISI O IAI...do you know where he would have gone?PEI A LAE ALU I LE THEATRE....whts their extension...E, KA'ILO KALI MAI SE'I TRANSFER OE I LE OPERATOR...then, she hung up on me...doooo doooo doooo ringin in my ear
ring thru to theatre..Halo? HALO...Can i speak to one of the surgical docs...OI , VAAI , VILI LE EXTENSION LEA %&* O LAE GOFO MAI LAKOU KALA ANE O LE KELFONI GA... ring that number, it rings twice, someone pics up and hangs up right away, try again, same things, ring old number back HALO, that number istn working, keeps hanging up..WUI AI FO'II O LE VAEGA GA O LE FIA KALIA SE KELEFONI! HA HA HA...Can you walk over and tell them IM CALLING FROM SAVAII AND HAVE SPENT 45MINUTES BEING TRANSFERED EVERYWHERE JUST TO TALK TO THEM TO DISCUSS A PATIENT...!!!...Wui, kalofae, ia , kali mai le ole a ou alu e fai ai ae fai e omai i i , i lou kelefoni....Thanks...he hung up on me..dooo dooo doooo
it took me an hour to try to get thru and ths is for 1 patient, and there were 3 more that needed 'dsicussion' with apia,grrrr.the system is so flawed its pathetic...such a waste of time all this running around with people who dont know where people are or how to transfer calls or how to get ahold of people its ridiculous, what if it was a real emergency that i needed specialist advice one??ia, survival loa of the fittest!!
eh, all this komumuing is giving me a headache, so out of all of that what i really want, is for someome to train whoever has to work with a phone that makes transfers how to TRANSFER a call and not hang up pon ya! soooo annoying!
ia, dats all fa laia!
SOOOOOOO, Im back at work. At the hospital, at the hotel...its full on- hosp is same crap different day, challenges me every moment im there. Hotel has been busy with groups of particular organisations and government departments, its amazing how much these guys spend (considering its tax payers money) on food/drinks/bar tabs. Like, the drivers order extra takeaway meals and run up bar tabs, its AMAZING (or is it lack of organisation/control by whoever is organising these trips) working in this industry is a real eye opener for me- seeing how other public servants get to spree. Sometimes i think perhaps, they work hard and only go on a trip like this once in a lifetime so are going all out, but then again these are the same faces that came last year...and the year before, and Im sure we are not the only resort theyve been too.It eggs me cos im a public servant (work for government) and my job has NO perks (apart from the 'satisfaction I get from helping people' yea ok, try to buy a car with that. And i mean no perks, not even a hot water kettle in sight to make a cup of coffee if I really needed one (our staff BORROW kettles from our patients- which I think is BS and keep telling them not to do it- esp the patients who need boiled water like formula fed babies etc)
SO i read a friends blog recently, spelling out her days work, which involved long lunch breaks and hours sitting at a desk trying to think of things to do, and I hear my other pals talk about similar settings at their jobs, and it makes me really wish my job were a little bit easier.
Today, I- saw a woman with metastatic cancer of unknown origin (all that means is we dont know where it started, but shes pretty much doomed cos its everywhere and we cant cut her lungs heart and brain out) who 1) presented once last year with a cough and a funny shadow in xray then was never seen again.2) presented after a year of a a tumour the size of a rugby ball growing out of her left back & failed samoan fofo, after much investigation bar one more to go, had to give her the bad news that it doesnt look good- sux to be me, I was sympathetic as she is young (40s) but so damned irritated by the fact that she sought fofo for so long- i mean, its partly the fofos fault now cause it has delayed her seeking medical advice from us, but no point now in telling them that. its like saying- "its your fault now youre gonna die so there" isnt it?
then, saw an 'angry' asthmatic...yes, angry that shes in hosp again, doesnt want to take her inhalers cause they give her a bad taste on her tongue (thats sometimes what happens when you have poor technique and swallow the powder instead of inhale it) tried to tell her this all while she was looking at me like i was a complete idiot, and then a long whinge about wanting a tablet to 'cure' it (we are not magicians with magic potions you know) and asked if she could see the surgeons to have an 'operation to fix it' - uhm sorry- no can do!-tried to politely explain all this, amindst lots of 'eh!' and "se!" and head shaking, so after a while got a bit fed up and told her off, i mean shes a 40 yr old woman with asthma her whole life, started in NZ- admitted to hospital often there and even got special 1 on 1 education on athma and how to use inhalers...and now shes throwing a hissy fit all becoz she stopped taking her meds and consquently got an attack...eh! thats all i have to say...if you cant help yourself dont think im going to find a way to make it easier for ya!
then, tried to ring apia to arrange a test for a patient of mines- this is how doing this pans out- ring our operator- transfer me to apia..wait-5 mins music , apia operator, can you get me the surgical doctor on call , UHM WE DONT KNOW WHO IT IS... dont you have a roster/list...YES BUT ITS GONE...gone?? GONE LOST NOTHING....ok well can you TF (transfer) to surgery ward please....wait, 5mins music, surg ward, HALO? hi can i speak to the surgical doctor on call...E , KA'ILO FOI PO'O AI....arent you meant to have a list?...E, KA'ILO FO'I PO'O AI UA AVE'ESEA FO'I LE LISI MAI LE LAUPAPA.. ok well can i speak to any of th docs?...E LE'AI MA GISI O I... do you know where they are??...PEI A O LAE O I LE OUTPATIENT...whats the extension for there??...E, KA'ILO, KALI MAI LE LA KOE TRANSFER OE I LE OPERATOR.....then she hung up on me..dooooo dooooo dooooo ringing in my ears
start all over again, cept go thru to outpatient...can i speak to one of the surgical docs....GA O LE ON CALL LE I BUT O LAE PISI.....is he with a patient....UHMM..LAE I KOKOGU LE POKU SA VAAI LAGA MA'I KAILO PO'O KUSI AGA NOTES...well can you ask if he has a moment im calling from savaii...wait ten minutes...HALO???O AI LEA...im calling from savaii, iw as waiting for someone to ask for the surgical doc for me...E , POO AI FOI UA ALU MA KI'A'I LE KALEFONI MA LOU REQUEST!KALI MAI.....wait another 5 minuets...WUI, E , UA LEAI SEISI O IAI...do you know where he would have gone?PEI A LAE ALU I LE THEATRE....whts their extension...E, KA'ILO KALI MAI SE'I TRANSFER OE I LE OPERATOR...then, she hung up on me...doooo doooo doooo ringin in my ear
ring thru to theatre..Halo? HALO...Can i speak to one of the surgical docs...OI , VAAI , VILI LE EXTENSION LEA %&* O LAE GOFO MAI LAKOU KALA ANE O LE KELFONI GA... ring that number, it rings twice, someone pics up and hangs up right away, try again, same things, ring old number back HALO, that number istn working, keeps hanging up..WUI AI FO'II O LE VAEGA GA O LE FIA KALIA SE KELEFONI! HA HA HA...Can you walk over and tell them IM CALLING FROM SAVAII AND HAVE SPENT 45MINUTES BEING TRANSFERED EVERYWHERE JUST TO TALK TO THEM TO DISCUSS A PATIENT...!!!...Wui, kalofae, ia , kali mai le ole a ou alu e fai ai ae fai e omai i i , i lou kelefoni....Thanks...he hung up on me..dooo dooo doooo
it took me an hour to try to get thru and ths is for 1 patient, and there were 3 more that needed 'dsicussion' with apia,grrrr.the system is so flawed its pathetic...such a waste of time all this running around with people who dont know where people are or how to transfer calls or how to get ahold of people its ridiculous, what if it was a real emergency that i needed specialist advice one??ia, survival loa of the fittest!!
eh, all this komumuing is giving me a headache, so out of all of that what i really want, is for someome to train whoever has to work with a phone that makes transfers how to TRANSFER a call and not hang up pon ya! soooo annoying!
ia, dats all fa laia!
Friday, January 30, 2009
work ramblings
Only read thee following if you want to hear the Samoan version of ER. Tee hee!
About once or twice a year, our little hospital with its very few staff and even fewer supporting services gets a big MVA thrown at us (motor vehicle accident). Always, it is tragic, and always there is a dramatic story behind it. None of the typical drunken driver cases.
Last year a young priest and his wife flew to the hospital at lightening speed because he wife had gone into labour very quickly. Unfortunately before they made it to the hospital they crashed, likely due to a small misjudgement of handling a very fast car which was driven by panic of course. The husband died instantly. The wife was in critical condition, was stabilised at our hospital and spent the next few weeks in intensive care in Apia. Her baby (still unborn) was found to have died inside her, and when she awoke from a coma, had to be told that she had lost both her husband and her unborn child. That is a sentence I would never wish upon even my worst enemy. I can not imagine how she manages to still breath and hold her head up today, if it were me i;m sure I would shoot myself, because that’s how weak I am…
Yesterday not far from our hospital, a pedestrian was struck by a vehicle belonging to the local po-pos (you know AKA upholders of law and justice?). Now this is something that really eggs me , because I drive past their headquarters to work everyday and ALWAYS I encounter the po-pos either flying at way too far above the speed limit or bloody driving at 2mph and being who they are, 20 cars behind them therefore feel obliged NOT to overtake…talk about funeral procession. The pedestrian was struck with such a force that he was thrown off his feet, some distance from where the accident occurred. LUCKILY, that distance was only a skip and a hop away from the hospital, so he landed on our front door FAST. UNFORTUNATELY he suffered multiple serious injuries, multiple broken bones, lacerations a punctured lung and internal bleeding. He was rushed to the main hospital and we are praying he makes it. Now, continuing on the po-pos that egg me, shame on them big time. Upholders of the law except there is absolutely NO leading by example. They can’t even stick to the laws themselves, then they go a commit the crimes. These are the po-pos I have grown up with and always known. Never have I ever felt safe, protected or even sure in the sense that if I did something RIGHT they would verify that. Some specific examples that colour my opinions of them are
- My brother drove down the main beach road in Apia one day when a cop who stood right across from the fire station flagged him down. Yes, he stood right where those no parking yellow lines are painted all over a 10 square metre portion of the road in front of the building is. So my brother diligently drove past the lines and then pulled over. So the po-po had to walk a whole 2 meters and 30 cm to get to him, which by the time he did, made him possessed with such rage which manifested as the following – popo “WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU STOP WHEN I SAID STOP” my bro “oh, I was just trying to get past the no parking area” popo “HOW DARE YOU ANSWER ME BACK YOU LITTLE SMART ASS, IF I SAY STOP WHERE EVER IT IS YOU BLOODY WELL STOP RIGHT AWAY AND DON’T THINK YOU CAN JUST DRIVE OFF YOU LITTLE *&%$!” all in samoan of course, no attempts by my brother to defend himself were met with any form of understanding. And he didnt even stop him for any reason in particular, just a random BS registration and licence check. So the lessen he learnt was, cops are always right, you’re always wrong, if they tell you to do something, even if its against the law (of the road) just do it…cos otherwise you’re a smartass little shit.
- Another time, myself the hubby and 2 week old baby were struck in our car from behind by a large concrete truck. The initial popos were thorough, reasonable and sympathetic. They quickly deduced by the skid marks on the road, the bystanders who saw the accident and the way the car received dents, that it was the trucks fault, and they told him so in front of us much to our relief, because it was infact his fault. When we got to the station to put our reports down in paper, another older more senior cop shows up…he laughs at the truck driver and mumbles something along the lines of “not you again” and smiles at him, then looks at our car, the truck, talks to the driver, and then comes and tells us infact, we can not press charges cos its our fault too blab la bla..i cant even remember what the BS reason was cause I was in so much shock, and the initial investigating cops could only sit there and say sorry , that they have to take what he says cause he was more senior then them, and that was that. The truck sustained no damage, we were left we a hefty bill and a shaken belief that the popos are their to help, they are not. one could say we should take them to court (the truck the po-pos) but we live on another island, we both have Jobs, a a young family, hardly spend any time in APia, it is just not feasable..
Now getting back to our pedestrian now struggling for his life in intensive care. The popos had the nerve to come snooping round the hospital after the patient had left to see if he was actually drunk as they had perceived. HE WAS NOT. He was a well dressed young man, walking somewhere to do something meaningful to him, on a Wednesday afternoon when he became the victim of a terrible tragedy. SHAME ON THE PO_POS for trying to fret around looking for excuses to cover up their shady existence.
I just thought, you should all know this. I know there are some goodies out there, some good friends of mines are po-pos themselves, but the crap ones just ruin the whole force its a damned shame.
About once or twice a year, our little hospital with its very few staff and even fewer supporting services gets a big MVA thrown at us (motor vehicle accident). Always, it is tragic, and always there is a dramatic story behind it. None of the typical drunken driver cases.
Last year a young priest and his wife flew to the hospital at lightening speed because he wife had gone into labour very quickly. Unfortunately before they made it to the hospital they crashed, likely due to a small misjudgement of handling a very fast car which was driven by panic of course. The husband died instantly. The wife was in critical condition, was stabilised at our hospital and spent the next few weeks in intensive care in Apia. Her baby (still unborn) was found to have died inside her, and when she awoke from a coma, had to be told that she had lost both her husband and her unborn child. That is a sentence I would never wish upon even my worst enemy. I can not imagine how she manages to still breath and hold her head up today, if it were me i;m sure I would shoot myself, because that’s how weak I am…
Yesterday not far from our hospital, a pedestrian was struck by a vehicle belonging to the local po-pos (you know AKA upholders of law and justice?). Now this is something that really eggs me , because I drive past their headquarters to work everyday and ALWAYS I encounter the po-pos either flying at way too far above the speed limit or bloody driving at 2mph and being who they are, 20 cars behind them therefore feel obliged NOT to overtake…talk about funeral procession. The pedestrian was struck with such a force that he was thrown off his feet, some distance from where the accident occurred. LUCKILY, that distance was only a skip and a hop away from the hospital, so he landed on our front door FAST. UNFORTUNATELY he suffered multiple serious injuries, multiple broken bones, lacerations a punctured lung and internal bleeding. He was rushed to the main hospital and we are praying he makes it. Now, continuing on the po-pos that egg me, shame on them big time. Upholders of the law except there is absolutely NO leading by example. They can’t even stick to the laws themselves, then they go a commit the crimes. These are the po-pos I have grown up with and always known. Never have I ever felt safe, protected or even sure in the sense that if I did something RIGHT they would verify that. Some specific examples that colour my opinions of them are
- My brother drove down the main beach road in Apia one day when a cop who stood right across from the fire station flagged him down. Yes, he stood right where those no parking yellow lines are painted all over a 10 square metre portion of the road in front of the building is. So my brother diligently drove past the lines and then pulled over. So the po-po had to walk a whole 2 meters and 30 cm to get to him, which by the time he did, made him possessed with such rage which manifested as the following – popo “WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU STOP WHEN I SAID STOP” my bro “oh, I was just trying to get past the no parking area” popo “HOW DARE YOU ANSWER ME BACK YOU LITTLE SMART ASS, IF I SAY STOP WHERE EVER IT IS YOU BLOODY WELL STOP RIGHT AWAY AND DON’T THINK YOU CAN JUST DRIVE OFF YOU LITTLE *&%$!” all in samoan of course, no attempts by my brother to defend himself were met with any form of understanding. And he didnt even stop him for any reason in particular, just a random BS registration and licence check. So the lessen he learnt was, cops are always right, you’re always wrong, if they tell you to do something, even if its against the law (of the road) just do it…cos otherwise you’re a smartass little shit.
- Another time, myself the hubby and 2 week old baby were struck in our car from behind by a large concrete truck. The initial popos were thorough, reasonable and sympathetic. They quickly deduced by the skid marks on the road, the bystanders who saw the accident and the way the car received dents, that it was the trucks fault, and they told him so in front of us much to our relief, because it was infact his fault. When we got to the station to put our reports down in paper, another older more senior cop shows up…he laughs at the truck driver and mumbles something along the lines of “not you again” and smiles at him, then looks at our car, the truck, talks to the driver, and then comes and tells us infact, we can not press charges cos its our fault too blab la bla..i cant even remember what the BS reason was cause I was in so much shock, and the initial investigating cops could only sit there and say sorry , that they have to take what he says cause he was more senior then them, and that was that. The truck sustained no damage, we were left we a hefty bill and a shaken belief that the popos are their to help, they are not. one could say we should take them to court (the truck the po-pos) but we live on another island, we both have Jobs, a a young family, hardly spend any time in APia, it is just not feasable..
Now getting back to our pedestrian now struggling for his life in intensive care. The popos had the nerve to come snooping round the hospital after the patient had left to see if he was actually drunk as they had perceived. HE WAS NOT. He was a well dressed young man, walking somewhere to do something meaningful to him, on a Wednesday afternoon when he became the victim of a terrible tragedy. SHAME ON THE PO_POS for trying to fret around looking for excuses to cover up their shady existence.
I just thought, you should all know this. I know there are some goodies out there, some good friends of mines are po-pos themselves, but the crap ones just ruin the whole force its a damned shame.
Monday, January 19, 2009
tired..
Its a new year, and for a moment on the 31st of December I tried to work out some resolutions. eat better, exercise, spend more time with bubba, and hubba, figure out what the hell I want to do with my life...kinda big resolutions huh, recycled ones too. But now well into January...I still don't know how to go about tackling some of those big questions in my life.
I recently read a friends blog, where she asks- why are we here?(in Samoa- Apia to be specific) where are we going? and questions along those lines, you know, those long philosophical ones that can only have long philosophical answers. I'm tired of asking the same questions every year...truth is. I don't want to work anymore, but i feel so gut wrenchingly obliged to do so, and so overwhelming bad when i dont, that its a vicious cycle, when i dont work, i have this annoying cloud hanging over my head raining the same moral melancholic song on me- not enough people there, and you're sitting at home with your legs up (but i can not remember the last time i sat down with my legs up...its my life, am i not entitled to chose??) when i do, i grow so frustrated of it at times i feel like tearing my hair out and biting my limbs off, that's how crazy i get.Can not be healthy for me.
My husband says "alu fua study ga mea'' in a joking way, as if i brought it all on myself (I did- I just didn't know it) when he says that (even if it is in a joking way) to me, even he feels I should be there, at work, even if its for peanuts and the pay is late and is giving me a splitting headache and high blood pressure. But I do 'like' my job, i think in a better environment , I would even love it. But loving it over here, in Savaii...is oh so many decades away, for I know that the changes needed there, are many and the pace of change here is slower then that of a snails'...People are so damned reluctant to change.."this is the way its been for years, and its fine'' is what they all think but don't say.
You just have to look at peoples faces, when you are making suggestions with excitement on how to improve things, its like, one eyebrow raised, eyes still fixed on that piece of paper they were reading before, its like they hear you but don't want to hear you, but you know that's what they are thinking. Its like in order to change, someone who sits on their big behind all day scribbling on paper (yes, I acknowledge it may be ALOT of paper) in an aircon office, has to get up and do a bit of running around. Oh lord have mercy.Its as if I had just asked someone to go run a Marathon or something (might actually do them some good, change from sitting in the office growing sideways all year....) so my suggestions often fall on deaf ears.
So what am I going to do?am I going to give up...and just be a stay at home mum? bar the bakery on the side and the waitressing in the restaurant with the hubba (sounds like true bliss to me, no huge worrying decisions to make regarding peoples lives!!)eh, I dunno..maybe. Gonna give a few more tactics of change a go...see what happens.Read an article in the observer today by a disgruntled patient...never easy to hear the criticism but it was all true and I take off my hat to them for voicing their opinion...more people need to do it I reckon.
as for me now, gonna go kick it with the baby, spend some quality time and not have to think about these big decisions...
I recently read a friends blog, where she asks- why are we here?(in Samoa- Apia to be specific) where are we going? and questions along those lines, you know, those long philosophical ones that can only have long philosophical answers. I'm tired of asking the same questions every year...truth is. I don't want to work anymore, but i feel so gut wrenchingly obliged to do so, and so overwhelming bad when i dont, that its a vicious cycle, when i dont work, i have this annoying cloud hanging over my head raining the same moral melancholic song on me- not enough people there, and you're sitting at home with your legs up (but i can not remember the last time i sat down with my legs up...its my life, am i not entitled to chose??) when i do, i grow so frustrated of it at times i feel like tearing my hair out and biting my limbs off, that's how crazy i get.Can not be healthy for me.
My husband says "alu fua study ga mea'' in a joking way, as if i brought it all on myself (I did- I just didn't know it) when he says that (even if it is in a joking way) to me, even he feels I should be there, at work, even if its for peanuts and the pay is late and is giving me a splitting headache and high blood pressure. But I do 'like' my job, i think in a better environment , I would even love it. But loving it over here, in Savaii...is oh so many decades away, for I know that the changes needed there, are many and the pace of change here is slower then that of a snails'...People are so damned reluctant to change.."this is the way its been for years, and its fine'' is what they all think but don't say.
You just have to look at peoples faces, when you are making suggestions with excitement on how to improve things, its like, one eyebrow raised, eyes still fixed on that piece of paper they were reading before, its like they hear you but don't want to hear you, but you know that's what they are thinking. Its like in order to change, someone who sits on their big behind all day scribbling on paper (yes, I acknowledge it may be ALOT of paper) in an aircon office, has to get up and do a bit of running around. Oh lord have mercy.Its as if I had just asked someone to go run a Marathon or something (might actually do them some good, change from sitting in the office growing sideways all year....) so my suggestions often fall on deaf ears.
So what am I going to do?am I going to give up...and just be a stay at home mum? bar the bakery on the side and the waitressing in the restaurant with the hubba (sounds like true bliss to me, no huge worrying decisions to make regarding peoples lives!!)eh, I dunno..maybe. Gonna give a few more tactics of change a go...see what happens.Read an article in the observer today by a disgruntled patient...never easy to hear the criticism but it was all true and I take off my hat to them for voicing their opinion...more people need to do it I reckon.
as for me now, gonna go kick it with the baby, spend some quality time and not have to think about these big decisions...
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