grief

My paternal grandfather died the year I was born. Up to now I am not sure whether it was before or after I was born, I like to think it was after so that in my mind I can smile at the thought that we met. The information I know of my grandfather however is as sketchy as my knowing the date he died. the little I do know, came from what my mother told us kids, what my grandmother and aunty mentioned of him too, very little information actually came from my dad, who is his second son.

For years I blamed my dad for this lack of information as some sort of dissappointment to us. I thought he did not see the importance of passing information about family down, geneology, sharing with us his children stories of our ancestors. I thought he was male and just careless.

Now, I see what I think I always knew already. that my grandfather, my dads dad, is a subject too painful for my father to talk about. I know they were very close, and the only details of my grandfathers passing I do know of, was that he had a fatal illness and in his last days he hung in there until he got to say goodbye to my dad (died just after dad arrived)As much as my dad is the rock of our family, through thick and thin, when it comes to my grandad, his emotions are still raw and heavy, even after almost 30 years since he passed.

In some ways I think, thank goodness for blogging and websites,here is an avenue with which I share my thoughts and moments, things that person to person, I know I couldnt do. And as much as its for my friends and perhaps family, a way to reach out to them and share things that I want to but just cant, its for me. yes, I do read my blogs, and perhaps someday (if this blogsite still exists!) my kids will too (oh, when I have more then one kid!LOL)

If only my dad blogged, then maybe I would know much more about my grandad, who is still such a mystery to me...I know he ran a big plantation, he grew apparently some of the biggest avocado in Samoa, he and his sons drank too much beer, and that he was a pilot?? in the airforce /army. Thats really about all I know.

Now, I understand my dads pain, and I wonder, if it will take me that long too. Will I be silent about my sister, because it is too painful to talk about. Will my children know enough about the wonderful and great aunty they will never get to do fun things with? Will they know she would have loved them so much, like her own? its so not fair.

For those who dont know already, I have resigned from work, for many reasons, but mainly, because my gut instinct told me I would be happier if I did. And I am.I did go in for one day last week, I thought I might try a day, but funny how you think youre ready to do something (like go bunjee jump!) and then you get there and the emotions all rush in, and you realise you cant. Will it be like this forever?or for a long time? who knows...

What I do know, are these tough times bring up so many unaswerable questions, so many ifs whys hows...the only thing I do know, is you find strength in your friends and families, and for that I am truly grateful that I have such a strong and loving family, both my own and my in laws. The same goes for my friends, I can not fault any of them. they have all been a constant support and it reminds me why I moved back home.