ponder this...

so today I had to 'give somone bad news'. In my training years we actually get educated how to do this well, we are given tactics, we are taught how to read certain ques and give people time and space to digest the information etc...but it still eats me up inside when I am the bearer of bad news, I can never help but feel I have failed someone even though I know there are situations where nothing more can be done.I guess that is the samoan in me, the people pleaser. Today I had to tell a samoan man, being the only samoan speaking member of my team, that he was dying. No he does not have cancer or some mysterious disease, over the years his kidneys have been failing , slowly but steadily. yes he has known about this, he slowly has noticed he can walk less and less of a distance, and little things like doing the washing have become more and more of a chore,slowly he has given up social things like community gatherings and visiting friends....but as it was secondary to his diabetes and long abused lifestyle..there was little reversibility of the damage that was found much too late. Now it has gotten to the stage where it is life threatening. The debarkle however is this. Renal dialysis today, in this modern world, is geared just for this type of problem.It acts as a stand in, not so perfect,mechanical kidney for you. If you think about it , it probably is just a means to prolong the dying process, because if you stopped it,death would ensue quite quickly, but with it, people are actually able to live decent lives for a period of time, be it a few more months, years and maybe longer. The problem is- this elderly softspoken gente man, tells me he has been on a 'visitors' permit for the last 10 years...(he is actually an overstayer) his entire family have moved to nz and his children are now actully citizens. His applications however have been declined becoz of his poor health. The government is not willing to fund for him to go onto dialysis.They understandably prioritise the allocated funding to their own citizens. They will fund non-citizens to have 'lifethreatening' treatment, i.e if someone got hit by a car, no matter what citizenship you are you will get the operation...but in his case...going on dialysis is not a 'lifethreatening' procedure. The hospital already knows about him, he already owes them $10,000 for an operation he had on his neck many years ago. And they stand tall in their policies. This man does however have the option to go home ( to samoa) and have dialysis as we now have a dialysis unit, this treatment will buy him a few more good years and who knows maybe even longer...but, this man has no more relatives back home.Every single family member is here, and once he leaves the country..there will be no way he can return . So he has been told of all of the above, and very quietly after thinking hard tells us he choses to stay in NZ....he wont say it, but he has chosen to die. To die a slow and painful death. His children who are all tearful by this point in the conversation..ask again and again if there is nothing else that can be done.I feel terrible.
Now after much correspondance with the physicians, the managers, the social workers, the lawyers....the decision has been made that he will most likely recieve dialysis...probably because no one wants to be soley responsible for letting him waste away when we actually have the means to treat right here, regardless of the arguements to ration resources and costs etc etc..however the unspoken words are that the hospital will still make him pay, his children at present all work minimum wage jobs with each one contributing to his earlier debt, who knows the new burden they will take on now..i have recently heard a similar story of a man who ended up dying anyways, whos family struggle to pay a $300,000 dollar debt. Shocking isnt it. What would you do?? Would you want your whole family to relocate and start their lives over??and what if you cant even afford to do that ( as this family ) I feel like this man is making the most selfless decision a human can. He doesnt seem like a pessimist who is just 'givin up'. He thought about his family, he thought about the costs, he considered what he will have to endure and suffer, and he put himself foward as the one who would suffer.

quater life crisis??

Someone mentioned this to me one day, the understated 'quater life crisis'...i had never heard this phrase before but now i am paranoid it is what i am going through. i think realistically i am just bored with life at the moment, i have to say my routine is pretty boring, wake up have a coffee go to work, run around crazy,have a coffee, come home, watch spongebob ( when i can make it home intime- which i do try!!LOL just for spongebob!!) simpsons,shortland street, then cook some dinner,watch greys anatomy/lost/invasion/desperate housewives. thats all i am into at the moment!...some weekends i have to work, and other weekends my hubby has to work so we seem to keep missing each other, in terms of spending a day out and about. I keep meaning to join a tai chi class or canoeing, but i tried to look up some clubs but they were either too far away or 'out of season'...so still twiddling my fingers trying to find some extracurricular activities...in the meantime i make a poor attempt at painting in my spare time and trying to rekindle my poetry writing, long dormant since highschool. I also have a few 'projects' waiting for me such as a pile of clothes needing mending, ( i know- very domestic of me) some books that need sorting and most entertaining is a box of emails i have collected over the year regarding my and some friend's first year at work, that i am meaning to make a book of some sort out of ( memorabillia) I keep staring out at our little lawn wanting to create a little garden but I fear whatever would start to sprout out of the ground will just die over winter anyways so why bother! And then there is a treadmill in the garage which i enthusiastically rented with an initial ambition to do some 'extreme makeover-ing' of my own, only to find me first run extreeeeemmmely boring ( ie i was in a garage facing a wall not to mention the cobwebs hanging over head and the stuffy smell)..so i have bought a little 2nd hand TV to watch c4 and run, so far i have done that twice in the last- dont really want to say how long!! he he!! anyways, i kinda feel like an old lady at the moment, iseem to entertain myself with making cappucinos with the coffee machine my hun bought me..and sprinkling the chocolate on the frothed milk etc!!LOL..i know- what a loser!!anyways..if anyone has any great ideas..please let me know..otherwise i continue to roam the yellow pages, in search of the answer to my 'quater life crisis'!!
p.s please excuse the spelling and punctuation- I know i am terrible at it, just cant be bothered to correct it!