Christmas!

My Hubby and I had nothing planned for this christmas. We were both so depressed about not being able to spend it at home, neither of us could bother planning anything. So the friday before xmas we decide, at the very last minute, to go on a road trip! Ultimately Monday would be spent with the FamBams ( Hubbys' cousins in auckland) but we would spend a night in Rotorua on the way up and a night in Tauraga on the way down. So that was Fabulosoooo! Beats staying at home kuikui gifo-ing!!

Interesting bits re: the road trip?

1) It took us freaken 10 hours to get to Rotorua becooooossss---- we left Wellington at 11am, and hit 3 jams in 3 different little towns who were having their midday christmas parade...yup...3hours just to get outa wairarapa....bugger. So of course we arrive in Roto-vegas too late to do anything, basically eat , shower, sleep, wake up the next day, eat again, and head off for Auckland... (what a waste!)

2) We arrive in Auckland, and the room we are given ( with the fams) has a green skirt and ie faikaga waiting for us on the bed.?? hmm...whaa?? we quickly find out, the old lady of the fams had them sewn for us in the last few hours when she heard we were coming. The family were peforming an item at the church xmas service and we had been made honorary members!!hoh! thus poi and I's outfits...... (like OMG!!)

3) So.....within an hour I find myself on a stage at a church I have never been to, shoved to the front of the choir coz I am short (damned them genes! :) ) singing songs I have never heard of before, trying to act as if it were the 100th time I had done it!LOL! ( all that was going through my head at the time was my year 6 singing teacher's voice (ms solomona) going "fa'amaga le guku as if o gae ofi ai le fuamoa when you are singing!!"..so awkwardly found myself doing just that !LOL!)

4) The service was 3.5hours..yes, and I was there for the entire thing!!! But as much as it dragged on far too long, it was entertaining. My favourite performance was this one family, See all the performances were just the different families in the church doing a few christmas carols...and from the way the night was going, it was all about whos family had more people on the stage and the loudest choir with the most number of instruments being played at any one time!.

So this one family gets up, and there is only a mere hand ful of people ( compared to everyone else who had no less then 20 persons up there) the old man comes to the front, and starts a little speech which goes ( in samoan of course) Firstly, I would like to apologise that all you see up here are women, and me. ( looking at his feet and shaking his head) For the last 10 years I have been trying to get my sons to come to church, but they insist they only need to send their wives..and their sins will be forgiven ( nodding his head still) then I also apologise that their are still others missing. Only this morning I have been informed that my youngest daughter, has a boyfriend, and they have eloped to Australia to be married ( shaking his head still ) of course no one was invited.

Then he goes on about not having time to practice the songs he wants and not having a pianist. They start singing, and only a quater into the song -half of them sorta die off, as if they dont know the words and the old man looks like his face is going to fall...and then some people in the back start cheering them on, and singing along with them, and before you know it, the whole church is humming along with them, the old man and his choirs' faces all had smiles (mines tears!!LOL) and it was just the most beautiful thing ever. I think what made it great was the fact that it was acapella, no instruments, no fancy radio in the background, just pure singing...and it was lovely.!

anyways that was that. The rest of christmas was what you'd expect...eating heaps of BBQ and kalo, drinking, catching up with people I havent seen in ages, calling my fams overseas to wishem a merry christmas and ask what they're all having for lunch!! Ok guys, hope you all had a festive one too !! ciao later and look foward to reading all your xmas blogs!

pics of trip home!

more at www.flickr.com/photos/samoanola/

blues

Why I have the blues

-I got on a plane yesterday and returned from a 3 week holiday in Samoa

-My husband gets to spend an extra week in sa, whilst i have to come back to work!

-I left welly on a cold and windy day 3 weeks ago, and arrived back on another cold and rainy day!

-I am addicted to sun, and wellington aint got any- losing the tan already!

- I arrived at work today, 10mins late because 1) I was travelling yesterday -thus, even though I was sat on my butt most of the day, I was shattered at the end of it. Then this morning I woke up, got in my car and found no gas so had to get gas, then drove for 10mins and realised I forgot my stethescope so had to go back and get it, and got to work, to face a very grumpy person (worked before me) who couldnt be bothered handing me over anything ( ie who is sick from last shift etc) and gave me the worst bitch face a guy could give ( yes it was a guy) before storming out of the place!! talk about PMS!!! ..Great way to start the day, first day back infact after a luxurious holiday!!

-I miss the beach
-I miss vailima
-I miss the close proximity of friends ( ie 1 min drive away)
-I miss having heaps of nosey family around, wanting to know my every move, wanting to book me for breakfast,lunch,dinner,movie, going out, going to the beach, going to a party, hanging out or just chatting in my mums patio.

- I miss the fact that a roadtrip to the store means you could run into at least 4 people you know, and everywhere you turn ie, read a newspaper/watch telly/ listen to the radio..there is someone you went to school with/knew your brother/is your husbands cousin/ met out one night or you just know through word of mouth- NZ is so impersonal, and although some may see the advantage of this at times, i dont miss it like i miss the personal touch of life at home...

thats why i have the blues

laughter is the best medicine, but it dont cure insomnia...

HELLO everybody. I have finally decided to contribute something to the world of blogging, after weeks of being guilty of just enjoying other peoples blogs but not contributing!! he he!! Part of the reasoning for that is that I have dial up at home which is as slow as a snail, plus I have had limited time at work to sit down in front of a computer for very long (And do anything OTHER then work !!He he!!) and of course plain laziness.

My life in the last few weeks has been pretty hectic as usual. Work never ends to be anything other then a zoo..crazy hectic angry...for anyone out there who may be considering medicine as a career- I urge you to get a reality check, becoz this industry is full of people with high blood pressure, or developing high blood pressure!! everyone is always overworked and tired and grumpy and not wanting to help you out. when i get up for breakfast in the morning I feel like I really need my nutri grain because I am literally preparing for war. The poeple that fortunately, are oblivious to this chaos are the dear patients in the wards, they dont know that I had to yell( well not yell but speak 'sternly' to!!) at 5 people to make sure they got their medicines becos "we were out of stock" - so you just dont give it then??or let anyone know?? or "the pharmacy was shut" hello thats why we have afterhours people around " she was in the shower" " she had lots of visitors" " he didnt want it" " he refused" ..I am sorry, but none of those excuses means that one can missout on their Intravenous antibiotics or parkinsons drugs etcetcetc because for a sick person in the hospital, they could be dead by the next day!!. Patients dont know that I had to grovel, and got yelled at, in order to get them a CT scan because the radiologists will do everything to get out of having to do more work.. the life of a juinor doc is anything but glamorous or prestigous or as glorified as the innocent bystander often presumes.And frankly, I am getting all abit tired of the politics of medicine..could we not just all work together in a uniform and harmonious ( ? is that a word!) manner to get people better???

sighhhhhhhh..maybe I am just complaining too much- I think I am, and I guess that happens when youre tired. On a good note, after work yesterday my husband and I went to see the laughing samoans who were doing a gig down here. By pure luck I happened to stumble across ticketec when they opened the sales to the show -so managed to grab some tickets before the show sold out. It was GREAT. Exactly the sort of medicine I needed after a crap week of work, I laughed my silly heart out, and clapped and stomped my feet and wiped away tears of joy. What was interesting though was the number of palagis there. There were quite alot of big groups of them, of what I could only presume had to be work mates sponsored by their jobs, there would be 1 pacific island looking person in the group, so I presume that was who got them to go. Anyways, it was really entertaining watching them. Like, there were great stints of the type of "And da morro of da story is,....a chocolate par!!" (i.e moro bars) humour,with roars of laughter from the pacific island audience, where the palagis sort of looked at each other sideways as if to say "I dont get it?"!! I still feel slightly awkward about this, but I actually enjoyed watching them sorta squirm in their seats, feeling a bit out of place-ish. Too often have I been made to feel out of place amongst them ( despite the fact that I am part palagi!) too often have I remained quiet and hummed at their opinions of "the NZ society is not ready for Bro town"...when I actually wanted to say-> not ready my butt, bring bro town on, its the greatest cartoon ever, next to spongebob and simpsons of course!! he he!!

Anyways, the low side of my evening was that I nodded off halfway through the act, only for a minute,it had absolutely nothing to do with the act itself!!I was just soooooo tired after a hectic week. I laughed after cos I couldnt believe I had nodded off either, I had literally just been laughing my butt off , and then Zonk...out for a minute. I think it was in the brief minute that they moved to the back of the stage to change character outfits, cos they turn the lights off briefly so you cant see them doing so. Anyways, I woke up and managed to laugh and stay awake for the rest of the act so that was good.

I am due back home in about 3 weeks and ABSOLUTELY CANT WAIT. I am soo excited I can feel myself just about fall off my seat everytime I think about it. I just need to come home, get a tan, enjoy the weather, hang out with the folks and friends, see my grandma, drive down pot-hole plagued streets, and smell the umu!! I know X100, that my bones are not made for the windy chills of Aotearoa, the sulphur smelling geysers nor the snowcapped mountains and frost covered winsheilds.. I know I will miss white chocolate and blueberry muffins with frappucinos..but seriously, I am not doing myself any favors with those particularly addictive foods!!! So I am currently 'thinkin' about what to pack ( he he!! even though I know I wont actually pack my suitcases til a day before I leave) but its exciting just 'thinking' about it.

so far all you back home, look out for me in a few weeks ok!! and hope everyone has a good week!!!

change of scenary

I have been absent from the blog scene for a while. Just had a change of scenary at work- moving on from the good old renal deparment, to the "whole scarey hospital" department..I am the official reliever so If anyone is sick or on leave- I am the cover ..kinda scarey.. I used to think of relievers as the supermen and wonderwomen of th hospital..cos you are just all over the place. One minute in sugery next minute in ED next minute on the medical ward..etc ( not literally minutes..but everyday a new venue!)

So far it hasnt been too bad. I have had to be the cardiology cover for quite a while cos their docs have been on holiday- forever. I havent worked in cardio before but it has always scared me. Just walking past their ward with their big computerised base- they have this huge monitor/computer/desk monster thing that reminds me of something off star trek or something. Like a spaceship control centre...buttons and beeping and images and nurse-patrol-police who never fail to confront you with "IS YOUR CELLPHONE SWITCHED OFF COS IT INTERFERES WITH THE MONITORS?????" cos they can see the freaken tip of the antenae of my cellpnone peeping outa my bag. LOL!

I can never work out which freaken beep means "RUN TO THAT PATIET HE IS DYING!" and which one means "this patient dropped his nametag"..I mean for freaks sake if you're gonna have any beep at all could it just be the one that counts!! ( keeping things simple for moi poor brains please!!)Slowly over the last few days I have managed to calm my anxiety over the monster machine.(its all about ME versus THE MACHINE) No one has done anything exciting yet-and I have cheerfully been reminding my patients they are not allowed to have heart attacks!!he he!!Always makes for cheerful talk-most are like "I'll try!!lol!"

They have asked me again, for the third time this year ( they being my bosses),to present something to the weekly staff teaching lectures on pacific islanders and /or Samoans ( being the interesting and foreign beings that we are!!) It seems they can never get enough of my tales (Maybe because they are so tall!!) I can never get over how little some people know about samoa/ns despite being a neigbouring pacific country. My shock all started when some kiwi in Otago ( admittedly FROM Otago as well) asked me where I was from, I told him, then he asked where in auckland that was again (Samoa) ..no seriously . Since then I have easily convinced people that we samoan woman walk around in grass skirts and coconut shells for attire ( its too damed hot for cotton) and men wear little loincloths or nothing if they have a pe'a, that we samoan women are so beautiful because we all go down to the beach in the morning and exfoliate our skin with the sand (watch while palagis go 'oooohhhh' and remind themselves to take little bag with them next time they go to beach!) and we still travel by canoe and horseback cos we dont have tarsealed roads....I mean seriously, maybe its the particular type of people I work with, but they lap it all up..like where were they brought up????

Anyways, I am now stuck with trying to drum up another vaguely interesting presentation. I know what most of it will consist of. Statistics that make us look fat and lazy and unhealthy. Then there will be discussions about how we value our food and the wrong types ( whilst I eat my deep fried lunch) and discussions about our culture and what we value.(i.e do we value being big-ger(fat/healthy and wealthy!!) errhhhm..i think we value not-being-hungry) anyways..apparently fascinating stuff for them..kinda broken record player music to me. Anyways..we'll see how it goes.

I am actually really looking foward to this weekend ( its friday today) I have worked 12 days in a row- 72hours in the first week -so I am so looking foward to just kicking off my shoes and relaxing. Maybe actually start on my cardio excercise plan I have been meaning to launch in the last 3 months - we'll see what the weather decides!! Har har- the weather dictates my fitness level- as you can see i have become a whale after winter!LOL! anyways- gotta go so til next time- take care all!!

reversal of roles, and being the patient

You won’t believe this, but I got admitted into hospital on Thursday night!! LOL! My knees had slowly over the week, gotten swollen for whatever reason, I had put myself on high dose antibiotics but they, by Thursday were getting worse. I guess looking back, I wasn’t feeling so good- though didn’t really bother me. I had no appetite and couldn’t get warm, but was like, ok, it’s a cold night and can’t be arsed cooking for myself anyways. Typical Doctor being the worst patient, refusing to believe I was sick until I absolutely couldn’t walk. So I went along to my GPs appointment I had booked day before with angry receptionist (tried to get an earlier time, and she continued to lecture me about people having appointments months in advance...uhm...so when do you, like, see real sick people??)

GP couldn’t figure it out either, it was now looking more like cellulitis, but bilateral and on exact same spots on both knees...she took my temp and I was febrile (woops) 38.0 and my heart was racing (120bpm...! had absolutely no idea) I sorta laughed when she told me...so she rung the hospital, discussed me with the medreg, and he thought I had reached the point now where I would need admission and IVABS to knock whatever it was on the head....ahhhhh

I guess this is my sorta worst nightmare, being admitted into my own hospital. I was very anxious about being boarded on my own ward-that would suck!! But also over knowing all the docs who would see me!!LOL! To be honest everyone was very nice, the one perk of the job is that everyone knows you know the system so they try their best to please you. The second worst thing was that my husband was in Auckland on work training thing, and local cousins just so happened to all be out of town, so no one could go with me.Not exactly your typical samoan patient who brings their troops in with them to hospital!

I came home...packed my little bag of PJs toiletries chocolates and taxi-d myself to A&E. I handed my GP letter in and told the receptionist medreg was expecting me, they all knew I was Staff, and within 5 minutes the medreg actually came out to the waiting area in A&E to chat, he hummed and haaad over my knees and said I would need to come in, and a junior doc was coming to clark me in!!LOL!

The house surgeon clarking me in, was a 1st year that I know very well, poor guy. I basically dictated his admission form for him, told him I had listened to my own heart and lungs and they were fine!LOL! All he had to do were my bloods and IVline. The poor guy didn’t even bother looking round my hands as we normally do, to find a spot for the IV Line, I think he was so nervous he went straight for the juicy antecubital fossa (elbow)!!

Then I begged him not to plonk me in the middle of the demented stroked out crazy patients on the medical ward that I am-oh-so familiar with, (not to come across as being picky but the average age of patients in the med ward is probably 60, at least one person in every 6 bedded cubicle has come from a nursing home and continues to yell out "SUCILLE! SUCILLE COME HERE!" all night long, it ALWAYS smells like poo- reflection of the average patient up there- just not my cup of tea!) but if I could stay in the short stay unit (flash new part of ED just like ward but only short term stayers) and he managed to get me a bed there (yay). He made a mess putting my line in though- blood everywhere!!LOL! And I told him that was 'unacceptable' then gave him a pat on the back to indicate I was just kidding, cos he had broken out into a sweat by then!LOL!

One of my senior work colleagues overheard in ED that I was there and came and found me, ( Of course!) and accompanied me to SSU and even stayed a little while which was embarrassing, but nice. Another was doing nights so she came at 2.30am and visited me! Much to the dislike of my roomie (who shouldn’t have complained anyways cos she was freaken snoring like a horse!!) The Medical team came round in the morning- luckily no one I had worked for, and theorized about what could be causing the swelling, who knows...trying to explain the bilateral thing, which is unusual for an infection type process, main thing was that they were starting to get better!!

By the morning some improvement of the knees, my work team decided to visit me as part of their ward round, with flowers! I was so embarrassed!! The med consultant decided I needed another 48hours of IVABs at least ( AAAAAHHHH- this meant I was going up to the medical ward) but after liaison with me i.e. I am a doc can look after myself, can do my own temps, didnt need to occupy a much needed bed bla bla, they decided I could go home with Home IV antibiotic therapy with the district nurses!!!(YAY) I have to go back tomorrow for the ward round and expose myself to them again.

But should be ok to go onto oral antibiotics by then. I checked out my own bloods and was surprised to see my inflammatory markers all raised!! ( sign of body fighting serious infection/inflammation!) My poor body had been struggling to fight whatever was going on in my knees, and I was too stubborn to notice- the numbers confirmed things!!But good to see my Haemaglobin was normal at 120- reassured myself I am eating enough red meat and my creatinine was normal, so kidneys ticking along nicely!.

I did the docs a favor the next day and typed my own discharge, charted up my own home IV drug chart, consented myself to home IVABs (LOL- I got them to cosign it when they came down-bet they were thinking ka'i fiapotorings!)Just to speed the process of me getting out of there along, all the doc had to do was resite my IV cos having it in my left arm was a butthole- every time I moved the arm it hurt, so I had to keep it rigid straight-ALL NIGHT, can you imagine sleeping like that?? So they put it in my right hand, I asked for local anaesthetic this time cos I am a baby, and it hurt the first time without- since having it with local I don’t know which is worse- I have always known local stings, but guys it stung like a b@*%$!!!!Now I regret all the times I have offered people local with IVs and thought I was doing them a favor!!LOL!

I almost cried- just from the local!!! Luckily my husband had flown down from auckland by then so he held my hand and distracted me!!anyways, now I am at home, trying awkwardly to be normal with this annoying lure sticking out my right arm, which never fails to remind me its there, when I absent mindedly swing round and knock it on something.My husband is treating me very preciously cos I am three limbs out- he has knocked both my painful knees and my right IVlured arm at least once so far, and for that he went and bought me a cappuccino from a cafe of my choice, and brought breakfast back with him!HEHE!! the District nurses have come twice and they are all very nice and I think a bit nervous re; me being a doc, I think they sterilized everything to death in prep of just giving me antibiotic push!LOL!

all in all guys, a very weird experience being not just a patient, but a patient to people I know- did I tell you the docs asked ME what Antibiotics they should put me on and asked ME if I wanted IVFluids in light of my racing heart and febrile-ness (i.e maybe I was dehydrated!- I politley declined and agreed to down a litre of water, some ice-pops and coke!!)LOL!!! I think I was a good patient and only rung my bell once overnight for panadol cos I woke with a splitting headache-which I swear was from the IVABs LOL!!

Feeling a bit embarrassed still cos you know, I am not that sick!( she keeps telling herself) !! Feeling great about getting 2 days off work!!(yay)anyways, I am sure I will be onto oral tablets tomorrow- and above is a photo of my IV line !!Yay! The only person that made a mistake in this whole experience was the medical receptionist who decided to hyphen my two last names together - despite me telling them I had changed it completely to my married name, not only that but she made me a Mr. instead of a Mrs!!! Just my luck with medical receptionists huh!! Anyways, that’s what I was up to last few days...very excoooooiiiting aye!!LOL! Hope none of yous ever have to go thru anything similar!LOL! gonna go veg out and watch a movie now..Take care guys and have a great weekend!!

My Weekend!!

Just thought I would let you know how my weekend went.

By last friday I was abbbbsolutely shattered. For some reason our 4pm handovers at work seemed to drag onto 5pm then 5.30pm..and on friday 6pm....so I was pretty pooped by the time it got to friday. On a high note, My lil Sis came down from auckland on thrusday to catch up with her friend that just had a baby ( one more thing to make me feel old and infertile he he!!) so it was nice having little pestering relative ( and female to add to that!!) in the house- unfortunately Friday night was big "student catch up, bounce around all of clubs in wellington, dance on tables, kiss up to bouncers and sneak into mermainds night club" for her...and as much as I wanted to re-live my youth, the granny in me found me slumped infront of the telly, eating KFC with the boys, watching that program with Seals wife who is the skinniest and prettiest most depressing, pregnant woman I have ever seen!! on friday night.

Saturday morning I woke up with the maddest headache, at first I thought it was "coffee withdrawal" cos I woke at 9am and usually by then I would have had 2 coffees at work. So I had some coffee...but it didnt go away. despite that, I didnt want to waste saturday nursing a headache in the dark, so agreed to be dragged to town by lil sis ( knowing her motive was to spend my money on her...which is what happened!!)

Not long after we left home, developed worst abdo cramps ever, put it down to KFC chicken...bastards probably didnt cook chicken well enough (mental note to go back and ask for voucher for free chicken he he!!! ) luckily have loose bowel motions that are not frequent so manage to survive away from toilets for hours at a time ( LOL- I know you dont want to know about my bowels!!). Bought some new shoes (sketchers- in anticipation of summer- bit eager eh!!) and a new pair of PJs from big sale at oversease terminal .Spent more money on bras and panties for lil sis though. Really wanted to watch lakehouse cos I heard its romantic and 'may' make you shed a tear (in need of some emotional carressing !!LOL)- end up watching miami vice instead ( bastard husbands doing!!)

Sunday morning- wake up, still have sore tummy, try to go to toilet but no luck, bowels not ready to do anything just yet. Wake up yet again with headache, except now also notice ugly cold sore re-appearing, and headache confined to distribution of right upper trigeminal nerve!! over course of morning convince myself headache is burning in nature and must be shingles ( when coldsore virus travels up nerve into other nerves!!ahhhhh!!!) just about eat coldsore cream in attempt to give myself sufficient dose of acyclovir- mission succesful as pain subsides later- may possibly be improved with panadol and voltaren I took as well- will never know. So, still feeling like shit- but husband drags me outa bed and takes me to breaky at nice cafe- have eggs benny and cappucino, beautiful weather, decide to take a drive. End up in town, at the movies again. Want to watch lakehouse, end up watching 'click' with Adam Sandler.

Draggin feet into movie theatre cos upset that yet again we dont watch movie I wanted to watch,(yes like a little kid refused candy!!LOL) not speaking to husband. Movie was great, I cried twice!!LOL! cant believe Adam Sandler made me cry ( movie is quite depressing at times) apologise to husband about being a sook at the beginning, as feel emotionally 'caressed' by movie- he is like "yea!"..lol. walk around the mall, had a smoothie, realise I am dressed like crap- wearing trackpants t-shirt and old hoodie, as when left house for breaky- not expecting to end up in readings! Become self concious, but husband tells me I am beautiful and realise 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder' and if the beholder is impressed then thats as far as I feel I need to go today in terms of impressing people!!!

So all in all,to sum up my weekend, despite feeling like crap and developing gastroenteritis and shingles, I bought new shoes and PJs, enjoyed the sun, watched 2 movies one of which did some emotional caressing ( Har har!!), and had nice breaky at a cafe!! So successful weekend looking back- took agges to decide whether to come into work today- still have abdo cramps, though not explosive diaorhea just yet, still have headaches but ok with voltaren and panadol- always feel that if I am not ready to die, that I should go to work, cos cant imagine anyone in team knowing how to do my job!!LOL!! so end up here at work..infront of computer..delibrately having a quiet one...hope yous all had good weekends!!!

loved ones....

Yesterday I ran into an old friend, that I had worked with last year. A Russian chick who had recently moved from Russia with her family to live in NZ.I havent seen her since about last july so it was a nice suprise to bump into her out and about in town. Unfortunatley she has had a bit of a rough patch last year after we last saw each other( understatement of the year actually).Her story had me in tears, yes in the middle of labmbton quay in town, in tears-2 chicks hugging and sobbing away.

The last time I saw this chick, was at a work dinner last year. She brought along her husband.They are both older people ( late 30s early 40s maybe) but definitely dont look it. They both are Les Mills avid fans, and her hubby was a tall,tan handsome buff blonde guy. He looked like he could be a surfer or Iron man or something. Anyways, just before christmas my poor friends' husband dropped dead. I know, I tried to think how to word that better, but there is no other way to say it. He literally dropped dead. He was rushed to the hospital emergency department where a commotion of docs and surgeons and nurses and radiological staff tried to ressusicate him and find out what had gone wrong, seeing as he was a previously fit and healthy guy.

They eventually found out the cause of death but much too late. Death, as it does sometimes, appeared outa nowhere and calimed yet another life,leaving behind a grief striken lot of people wondering 'why'.They found that he had developed a dissecting aortic anuresym which is where the aorta ( main blood vessel of the heart) develops a sorta small tear in the wall of the vessel and blood slowly leaks into it and balloons the side of the vessel out. This ballooned bit becomes weakened and if undetected can burst and kill you instantly. So thats what happened to him.

My friend understandably was heartboken. To say the least,She was also angry, hurt,confused, felt guilty, depressed, the list goes on. She is a doctor so understandably could not help but think she had missed the subtle symptoms that this may have been developing ( despite knowing that sometimes these things go undetected for years) the worst part about losing her husband, whom she had been married to for >20years and still was madly in love with, was that in the 6 months prior she had been working extra hard. She had been doing late nights and extra shifts at work. She told me, when it came to taking time off work to organise her husbands funeral, she could not remember the last few months with him, she hardly saw him , she actualy couldnt even remember him round the house or anything like that. Which was soo sad to hear.The only time she can remember him, she tells me, is at the gym. She said they used to spot each other with weights, and thats the only time she can remember being with him. So now she goes to the gym, not just to excercise, but to 'remember' her husband. Now doesnt that make you want to cry!!

so all in all, she said to me, and I now say to you, to look after your partners and your families. Dont get so involved with work that you forget to make time to do things with them. As you never know when something tragic could strike you and the things and people we take for granted, could dissappear.

Gosh I came home and hugged my husband to death, and told him that I loved him soo much and that we need to spend more time together ( even though we eat out twice a week and watch movies at least once) I think he was a bit surprised when I sprung that on him ( lol) but I told him why and he understood!!

Anyways, I hope you all remember this and look after your loved ones, if work is devouring your life at the moment - remember to tell yourself that there are more important things in life!!ok, dats all for now!!

random bits

So today was a really random day for thoughts.

It all began with me having to catch a bus home for a change, as my car is at the mechanics. It was a welcome change to my usual routine though, having a car is a luxury really, being able to get straight from A to C (without having to stop, get off at B redirect to D go back to C...like a bus might do for you) is a luxury we take for granted sometimes. Seems like its been ages since I last caught a bus, there was a time I loathed buses, never on time, always full etc etc...But today I really looked foward to it. There is something about catching a bus that makes one feel more sociable as a human being.

For me, to get to the bus stop I have to walk through a little mob of shops. There is always such a great atmosphere round this particular street-very diverse- there are grocery shops and clothes shops and random little secondhand stores and cafes, the German bakery, a French ingredients shop, Indian spices galore, Mediterranean coffee, the list goes on. The bustle of people leaving work, doing grocery shopping, school kids rushing home. The grocery stores all trying to sell off their produce -half price in light of closing time nearing (I succumbed to a bag of mushrooms and beans!!) You feel like you are part of a larger living thing, everyone contributing to its motion.

Which brought me to mushrooms, when you buy them fresh they are always covered in specks of dirt, like they had been freshly plucked out of the earth. My family has always taught me to cook mushrooms with just a quick wash at first- you need to get rid of the big pieces of dirt but save all the 'vitamins' etc!! LOL! My husband on the other hand 'insists' that all earth grown veges that can be peeled must be peeled so that every trace of dirt or brownish tinge is removed.Hmm...seems a bit pedantic to me!! How harmful could a few specs of dirt be?? I was just watching on TV last night a cow chewing into a root of something, swallowing what looked to be handfuls of dirt as well- they seem to manage ok!!Surely our guts are more robust then we let them be. But then again, we are not cows whose main diet consists of grass and probably dirt!!LOL!

The bus was not surprisingly way off schedule. I was waiting for bus 43, which is meant to circulate every 10 minutes...I waited from 4.15pm to 5.10 pm before one showed up, meanwhile about 8 buses on route 45 went by!!Anyways, the bus trip itself provoked many thoughts. The bus driver, to the frustration of his passengers took a good 7 minutes helping a limping old lady on to the bus, step by step, all 45 steps!! he he! Its things like this that warm the heart, and remind us that we are all sociable caring beings you know? these days I am sure we hear too often that people are becoming more and more self centered and lend a helping hand less ( more-so in these developed countries) but every once in a while you see things like this that remind us that we actually are courteous and caring people.

On the bus itself, so many different characters. There was another limping lady, but she obviously had an injury to her ankle. What was interesting was that she had sneakers on that were at least 3 sizes too big. Was it so that she could wear those very fluffy socks and make a cushion-like sole? Was it comfort? Or was it just that she didn’t have any shoes of her own so was wearing her husbands???Hmm...we will never know. Lots of other people who looked like they had just finished a tiring day at work, or a hard out day at school. A young group of brown boys got on the bus later, an interesting mob. All very clean cut, with big diamante studs on one ear and slightly blonded Mohawk haircuts!! They made me wonder where they would all end up. Made me think of those days in secondary where everything surrounded being cool. Half of them had a palagi chick hanging off them- that is probably the coolest accessory item at the moment for them LOL! (No offence to any palagi chicks!! he he!)They all sat in front of me, and as you do I eavesdropped into a conversation (well, the whole bus eavesdropped really) which was also heartwarming. One kid was asking the other kid ( both brown boys) why he waited so long at the bus stop when he obviously could have caught a whole lot of previous buses, his answer was that there was another boy, Samoan kid, fresh off the boat ( just come from Sa) who he walks to the bus stop with. they live in opposite directions, but this new kid goes to the bus stop and tries to catch rides with people who drive by, heading the same way as he (people he knew obviously, like his neighbour, the priest etc) So the kid on the bus, waited until the new kid could find a ride home, before he caught a bus in the opposite direction. Doesn’t that storey just wanna make you go 'awwwweeee'!! Kids are so innocent. I remember in year 8, one of my friends had a bit of an emergency with an unpredicted womanly function (you all know what I mean) and she was like "do you wanna walk me home??" at like 10am on a school day, and I remember being like "hmm, yup sure" this was at leififi intermediate, two hours later her dad happened to be driving home for lunch and picked us up half the way up vailima!! And gave us a bit of a telling off. To us, it all made sense, we needed to go home so we just walked, we had each other what could possibly go wrong??!LOL...those were the days.

Anyways so I get home, and am reminded that I live with boys. I.e. bought a new loaf of bread this morning, the whole thing is gone on return home. Boys aye...

women can multitask but can you be in 3 places at once??

so today was just a nightmare from hell. It all started with my work pager going off wildly at 7.15am this morning. No I was not at work, I was brushing my teeth ironing a shirt and trying desperately to find the damned thing to turn it off before it woke the whole household! Later I find out it was some nurses up in the 'day procedures unit' ( not my usual workplace) calling just to "warn me" that there were a whole heap of patients being brought in that day for random procedures that 'I' needed to come sort out as nothing had been done for them.( I hate people who call to 'warn me' I am going to have alot of work- i dont think you can quit prepare yourself for it so I would rather be knowledge free and happy and then sprung on, then sulky and still sprung on!!LOL) Cloud hanging over my day number 1. When i got there, the operating theatre also started calling me about a couple of other patients that I needed to sort out, one of whom was a samoan man who was expected at 7am and had not showed up by 8am. this was the phone call I made "Malo, Miriama??" ( patients wife ) reply "yaaaaaaaawwwwwwnnnnnnn.....haalloo??" "Miriama, o le foma'i mai le falema'i le vili atu, e le'i o'o mai lou toolou ae o loga ta'otoga e fai nei i le afa a le sefulu, sa tatau ona lua o'o mai e le'i ta le valu"....reply " giggle giggle giggel...Ui!! se...ua galo fo'i...oi, le'ai ...e le'i faimai a se'isi ma te o atu"...uhmm..like i just saw you yesterday and not only wrote down where and when to come but told you how to get there in the lifts.. anyways...after much exchanged words along the line of you need to get here and get here now or you will wait another 6 months on the waiting list for the operation, they managed to get into the hospital. Giving me exactly 10 minutes to do 100 things that had to be sorted before the op...grrrrrr( cloud over my day number 2) ...meanwhile...my poor boss is doing a ward round of patients that goes..see one patient..stop....stare at wall for 20minutes wait to me to come back ...then see another 2 ..then stop again as i run off again...my pager is going off continuously..its the pharmacy calling about someones meds being out of stock, its the lab saying i had to repeat some bloods cos they lost them..its some random nurse somewhere saying she didnt know how to get a patient to a clinic appointment cos its across the road etcetc etc..uhmm like why are you calling me?? do you want ME to carry them over??? its the receptionist chasing me up on nonurgent paperwork, its my other boss ( i have 4 bosses) asking me to do some work that they really need to be doing themselves that i cant say no to cos its my boss ( grrr) its a nurse ringing to tell me they accidently pulled out someones IVline so i needed to come put another one in...someone cant pee and needs a catheter...someone has a sore back someone has a fever someone is crying and locked themselves in the bathroom and wants to talk to me..someones family wanting to see me about whether i have considered putting their mum in a rest home ( uhmm hello..dont you 'the family' people need to sort that out- if you dont want to look after your mum anymore- YOU find a resthome for them!) ..anyways, as the day progresses and i am being pulled in several directions..i become more and more short tempered..poor bored orderly trying to make small chat and crack jokes with me " he he..you docs always trying to look busy eh..but really aiiiii!"...wanting to strangle his neck right now..no maybe bash his head against window..no no..stop it!!! anyways manage to get most of my crap sorted by 5pm...had lunch at 3pm which wasnt a good idea cos by then i was starving..went down to cafe and stuffed my face silly..then walked around feeling 9 months pregnant thereafter...console myself with knowledge that i have been running around all day and probably burned off as many calories as I ate ( yay!!) hehe!!..check on all our patient before i leave..no one has died ( phew!!) and everyone is stable ( double phew) no one wants to talk to me or needs things done..wow, i cant believe i sorted everything out..i feel like i have just walked through hell and back. hopefully tomorrow is a better day!!!!

striving for tranquility...

Another one bites the dust....
That is, another long day at work. 15 hours today, after a very tiring weekend of travel, and some busy days to start the week off. Some health freak in the hospital ( he he...hmmm) decided that all softdrinks except for the 'diet' versions, should be removed from the cafeteria. ( ie no coke, no lift no sprite..just that lame diet imposter stuff) Not only that, but they decided to ban 'v' drinks as well cos they are too high in sugar, and the sugar free version is too high in caffeine. to top it off, they have made it so staff can no longer obtain coffee at the cafeteria on our meal vouchers ( cafeteria coffee that is, not exactly 'fuel' or anything fancy) ...now my question is, in my fifteenth hour of work, when the mind and the body are saying "sloooowww dooowwwn....sleeeeppp ttiiiiimmmeee"..what am i supposed to do for a perker??? Dont really know if that sugar free preservative free artificial colour free chewy bar ( imposter candy) is really gonna do the trick. I know thatsupposedly we should be rolemodels for our patients and embrace this healthfreak type lifestyle, but seriously, how many people give a crap what i put into my body, frankly up to now no one has ever asked me. they are usually far too sick to care. So for now I resort to shooting outside for a sec or two..let the cold winter breeze stunn me back into the midst of an adrenaline rush. hopefully that keeps me going til the clock strikes the fifteenth hour!!!!LOL

ponder this...

so today I had to 'give somone bad news'. In my training years we actually get educated how to do this well, we are given tactics, we are taught how to read certain ques and give people time and space to digest the information etc...but it still eats me up inside when I am the bearer of bad news, I can never help but feel I have failed someone even though I know there are situations where nothing more can be done.I guess that is the samoan in me, the people pleaser. Today I had to tell a samoan man, being the only samoan speaking member of my team, that he was dying. No he does not have cancer or some mysterious disease, over the years his kidneys have been failing , slowly but steadily. yes he has known about this, he slowly has noticed he can walk less and less of a distance, and little things like doing the washing have become more and more of a chore,slowly he has given up social things like community gatherings and visiting friends....but as it was secondary to his diabetes and long abused lifestyle..there was little reversibility of the damage that was found much too late. Now it has gotten to the stage where it is life threatening. The debarkle however is this. Renal dialysis today, in this modern world, is geared just for this type of problem.It acts as a stand in, not so perfect,mechanical kidney for you. If you think about it , it probably is just a means to prolong the dying process, because if you stopped it,death would ensue quite quickly, but with it, people are actually able to live decent lives for a period of time, be it a few more months, years and maybe longer. The problem is- this elderly softspoken gente man, tells me he has been on a 'visitors' permit for the last 10 years...(he is actually an overstayer) his entire family have moved to nz and his children are now actully citizens. His applications however have been declined becoz of his poor health. The government is not willing to fund for him to go onto dialysis.They understandably prioritise the allocated funding to their own citizens. They will fund non-citizens to have 'lifethreatening' treatment, i.e if someone got hit by a car, no matter what citizenship you are you will get the operation...but in his case...going on dialysis is not a 'lifethreatening' procedure. The hospital already knows about him, he already owes them $10,000 for an operation he had on his neck many years ago. And they stand tall in their policies. This man does however have the option to go home ( to samoa) and have dialysis as we now have a dialysis unit, this treatment will buy him a few more good years and who knows maybe even longer...but, this man has no more relatives back home.Every single family member is here, and once he leaves the country..there will be no way he can return . So he has been told of all of the above, and very quietly after thinking hard tells us he choses to stay in NZ....he wont say it, but he has chosen to die. To die a slow and painful death. His children who are all tearful by this point in the conversation..ask again and again if there is nothing else that can be done.I feel terrible.
Now after much correspondance with the physicians, the managers, the social workers, the lawyers....the decision has been made that he will most likely recieve dialysis...probably because no one wants to be soley responsible for letting him waste away when we actually have the means to treat right here, regardless of the arguements to ration resources and costs etc etc..however the unspoken words are that the hospital will still make him pay, his children at present all work minimum wage jobs with each one contributing to his earlier debt, who knows the new burden they will take on now..i have recently heard a similar story of a man who ended up dying anyways, whos family struggle to pay a $300,000 dollar debt. Shocking isnt it. What would you do?? Would you want your whole family to relocate and start their lives over??and what if you cant even afford to do that ( as this family ) I feel like this man is making the most selfless decision a human can. He doesnt seem like a pessimist who is just 'givin up'. He thought about his family, he thought about the costs, he considered what he will have to endure and suffer, and he put himself foward as the one who would suffer.

quater life crisis??

Someone mentioned this to me one day, the understated 'quater life crisis'...i had never heard this phrase before but now i am paranoid it is what i am going through. i think realistically i am just bored with life at the moment, i have to say my routine is pretty boring, wake up have a coffee go to work, run around crazy,have a coffee, come home, watch spongebob ( when i can make it home intime- which i do try!!LOL just for spongebob!!) simpsons,shortland street, then cook some dinner,watch greys anatomy/lost/invasion/desperate housewives. thats all i am into at the moment!...some weekends i have to work, and other weekends my hubby has to work so we seem to keep missing each other, in terms of spending a day out and about. I keep meaning to join a tai chi class or canoeing, but i tried to look up some clubs but they were either too far away or 'out of season'...so still twiddling my fingers trying to find some extracurricular activities...in the meantime i make a poor attempt at painting in my spare time and trying to rekindle my poetry writing, long dormant since highschool. I also have a few 'projects' waiting for me such as a pile of clothes needing mending, ( i know- very domestic of me) some books that need sorting and most entertaining is a box of emails i have collected over the year regarding my and some friend's first year at work, that i am meaning to make a book of some sort out of ( memorabillia) I keep staring out at our little lawn wanting to create a little garden but I fear whatever would start to sprout out of the ground will just die over winter anyways so why bother! And then there is a treadmill in the garage which i enthusiastically rented with an initial ambition to do some 'extreme makeover-ing' of my own, only to find me first run extreeeeemmmely boring ( ie i was in a garage facing a wall not to mention the cobwebs hanging over head and the stuffy smell)..so i have bought a little 2nd hand TV to watch c4 and run, so far i have done that twice in the last- dont really want to say how long!! he he!! anyways, i kinda feel like an old lady at the moment, iseem to entertain myself with making cappucinos with the coffee machine my hun bought me..and sprinkling the chocolate on the frothed milk etc!!LOL..i know- what a loser!!anyways..if anyone has any great ideas..please let me know..otherwise i continue to roam the yellow pages, in search of the answer to my 'quater life crisis'!!
p.s please excuse the spelling and punctuation- I know i am terrible at it, just cant be bothered to correct it!

just pondering...

So today has been a day of thinking. I am going into my ridiculous 15th hour of work, my brain is a bit fuzzed..and everytime i am asked to do something ( now at this point) an overwhelming feeling of complete lethargy and my body telling me that 'i just can't do it'...cant move my legs to get up and go get the job done......!despite that i have, have a read of the current up to date blogs and suddenly the brain springs back into action again. Like a caffeine shot....Today up on the ward a nurse conversed with me about the 'pacific island' girl that 'killed' her baby down south...with such dismay and horror and disgust..little did she know I am an islander myself...Funny how people are always so quick to judge...I hope the jury on the poor girls trial day are not so narrow minded...i hope they remember the day they had convents built all over NZ to send away young girls who had gotten pregnant to be 'forgotten' from society until they had their children delivered and ripped away from them to be adopted out....if they remembered those days they probably wouldnt be so quick to judge. Then there is the whole 'da vinci' code drama...personally i feel people should be given the right to chose to watch it or not- be it at the cinema or on a tape ( or reading the book) ...its not as if it is meant to 'influence' a christian...if a movie like that can make you question your faith then maybe your faith was wobley in the first place. And how many movies today have altered religious facts in them? all fiction just to spice things up....make you think for a moment but not meant to challenge your faith??Should the samoan government therefore Ban ALL movies that have false religious connotations?? Seems like we samoans always have a 'blanket' approach to everything...dont let the whole country watch it is their solution -to what...possible cracking the religious foundation of samoa- are you serious??one movie??..its like the whole..dont give out contraception to youth issue- another blanket approach which quite frankly is Not solving our horrendous teen pregnancy rates....
anyways..i am not one to ramble..and the clock is ticking into this fifteenth hour, you know how they say a watched kettle never boils?? well i think this clock will never hit the hour i am meant to leave...please think of me as i drive home tonite with the mental reaction time equivalent to that of a drunk person...LOL