babies

Yesterday was a terrible day at work. I came home, feeling numb, my legs somehow seemed to drag behind me and I felt like a zombie. I couldn't’t really think straight, was not sure if i was angry or sad or in shock. The first thing I Did was pick up my baby and hug and kiss her like I had not held her for days even though I had only been away for 4 hours.

Yesterday I left the ward earlier then normal to help out in the ED/Outpatient, and a catastrophe landed on our doorstep. A lifeless infant was rushed in and immediately all hands were on deck. For what seemed like forever we tried to revive this infant,when it arrived, although it had no heart beat or breath sounds, it was still warm, so in my mind, whatever had happened , had happened in the last few minutes which gave me a glimpse of hope.We tried everything we could, EVERYTHING and more. I stood at the head of the resus bed and ventilated and gave orders, get this draw up that...like a rush of adrenaline I was determined that we could save this child. But the statistics are, that 95% of all babies rushed into hospital in a life threatening state or without vitals, are met with death. We can save only 5% of them. I tried, we tried so hard. I did things I had only read about and not even seen done because all else had failed. And still, the gloomy hands of a terrible fate set in and took this child from us. I was annoyed by the pace of everyones movements, in these situations every second counts, but looking back, everyone was rushing around, it just seemed like every second was a minute, and every minute was an hour. An hour of trying, all the while frantic parents, a frantic mother, wailing around us, asking what was happening, distressed. Towards the end, when I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I started crying, I hit myself because I had tried for so long not to. Big useless sook. I blame it on the post pregnancy hormones if there is such a thing. Ever since having a child, all kids are now precious and personal to me.

I couldn't answer the parents wails over what was happening, but when i started crying- not the wailing type cry but a silent tear dropping cry, in the middle of still ventilating they knew what was coming. And my heart broke. Nothing i could say could ease this moment for them. So I stayed silent. It IS so unfair, a parent should NEVER have to see their child die. How does the mind body and SOUL recover from something like this?? I think a small part of you never does.

We still don’t really know what happened, we think it was SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) look it up if you have children, this is the sole reason my daughter has a flat head! And i wouldn’t have it any other way. People don’t know much about it here, but the word needs to get out because its universal. I try to tell mothers of young babys about it, sleep babys on their backs at least til they are 6 months etc. But the information needs to get out there beyond the confines of the outpatient visiting room. Something Im going to work on. Get a pamphlet out there or something, hopefully people read it.
Ok, soifua