tired..

Its a new year, and for a moment on the 31st of December I tried to work out some resolutions. eat better, exercise, spend more time with bubba, and hubba, figure out what the hell I want to do with my life...kinda big resolutions huh, recycled ones too. But now well into January...I still don't know how to go about tackling some of those big questions in my life.

I recently read a friends blog, where she asks- why are we here?(in Samoa- Apia to be specific) where are we going? and questions along those lines, you know, those long philosophical ones that can only have long philosophical answers. I'm tired of asking the same questions every year...truth is. I don't want to work anymore, but i feel so gut wrenchingly obliged to do so, and so overwhelming bad when i dont, that its a vicious cycle, when i dont work, i have this annoying cloud hanging over my head raining the same moral melancholic song on me- not enough people there, and you're sitting at home with your legs up (but i can not remember the last time i sat down with my legs up...its my life, am i not entitled to chose??) when i do, i grow so frustrated of it at times i feel like tearing my hair out and biting my limbs off, that's how crazy i get.Can not be healthy for me.

My husband says "alu fua study ga mea'' in a joking way, as if i brought it all on myself (I did- I just didn't know it) when he says that (even if it is in a joking way) to me, even he feels I should be there, at work, even if its for peanuts and the pay is late and is giving me a splitting headache and high blood pressure. But I do 'like' my job, i think in a better environment , I would even love it. But loving it over here, in Savaii...is oh so many decades away, for I know that the changes needed there, are many and the pace of change here is slower then that of a snails'...People are so damned reluctant to change.."this is the way its been for years, and its fine'' is what they all think but don't say.

You just have to look at peoples faces, when you are making suggestions with excitement on how to improve things, its like, one eyebrow raised, eyes still fixed on that piece of paper they were reading before, its like they hear you but don't want to hear you, but you know that's what they are thinking. Its like in order to change, someone who sits on their big behind all day scribbling on paper (yes, I acknowledge it may be ALOT of paper) in an aircon office, has to get up and do a bit of running around. Oh lord have mercy.Its as if I had just asked someone to go run a Marathon or something (might actually do them some good, change from sitting in the office growing sideways all year....) so my suggestions often fall on deaf ears.

So what am I going to do?am I going to give up...and just be a stay at home mum? bar the bakery on the side and the waitressing in the restaurant with the hubba (sounds like true bliss to me, no huge worrying decisions to make regarding peoples lives!!)eh, I dunno..maybe. Gonna give a few more tactics of change a go...see what happens.Read an article in the observer today by a disgruntled patient...never easy to hear the criticism but it was all true and I take off my hat to them for voicing their opinion...more people need to do it I reckon.

as for me now, gonna go kick it with the baby, spend some quality time and not have to think about these big decisions...