2010

Death, Such a morbid subject. A Subject of which you hope, that the only thought you would spare for it, is that one day it will catch up with you. Hopefully when you are old and have a brood of kids and grandkids and you have most certainly lived a life you loved. And you hopefully die in your sleep of old age. Anything other then that picture perfect fairytale description and it’s something that will at least make you flinch for a second. This year draws to an end with two subjects that have been on my mind a lot lately. Death and Life.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot of death. I keep hearing sad stories of people who have died, to what I feel, was unnecessarily. A young man with a septic knee who dies of septicaemia. And it reminds me of the hospital and all the masses of people and patients with huge suffering from small infections. All because they prolonged seeking medical treatment from the hospital and chose instead to go to a fofo. Again, my objection to their (fofos) treatments are only because they do not all, seem to see when something is beyond their control, and their treatments serve only to delay our medical help and prolong and perpetuate the patients suffering. Sure there will be stuff that they’re good at. But is knowing and not knowing which, reason and just enough for the causalities caused??

It’s easy to get frustrated and think- these people are all stupid!! What the hell were they thinking! When someone lies in front of you on the brink of death, can you not see it? (Thinking about kids walking round with huge infections) do you not value their lives and want to do everything in your power to help??? But benefit of doubt graces them with the excuse that perhaps it’s a lack of education and simply not knowing, that better help is there and available to them. Perhaps they feel that they are doing all they can. I can not stop thinking about my sister. I get these flashes of having to tell my siblings in NZ to come home quick. And their questions of “is it serious because we have exams etc etc” hoping that she had just broken a leg or something, and my head going all fuzzy with the knowledge that I knew she was going to die. Instead of yelling that out I just rattled off the list of her injuries, and that was all it took to convey the seriousness of the situation.

Next year, is a new year for me. And I’ve been really emotional about it lately because next year brings my family new life. I am carrying and expecting in July. Ironically that is the same month of Luanas’ unveiling and I am sad that I might miss it. I will fly to NZ for the sake of my future child’s’ dual citizenship and because of all the trouble I had with my first birth, and it will be hard because the last time I did this, Luana was my right hand man. My run around girl who did everything for me in my last month of pregnancy. And then when Adria arrived she was right there like a second mum to her. I have photos with the two of them eyeing each other up, and you can see in my sister’s face a fascination and awe and immense love for my daughter likened only to the expression you would see on a new mother herself.

I am excited and joyful but at the same time heartbroken when I think of what next year brings. It’s like it will be a meeting of life and death, an occasion to celebrate and mourn at the same time. I would do anything in my power to have my sister back, anything. So it really gets to me when I see people who don’t seem to do as much or care as much about their ill relatives. We all live life recklessly, we might not think it but we all, don’t put our seatbelts on every once in a while, or jaywalk a crossing or go above the speed limit, or do something dare-devilish from time to time, and we do take a lot for granted. We do not realise how much we appreciate things until they are ripped out of your heart and dangled in front of your soul, and then you know. But as one of my friends wrote, do we change the way we live? Do we make sure we watch every step and drive slow and avoid hazard with extreme caution, don’t eat this don’t go there etc etc all to try to avoid and cheat every possibility of harm and hazard? No, most probably we make some small changes, but carry on the way we were mostly. I hope, we try to remember to show those you love and care for, that you do love and care for them. Rather then just settling for ‘knowing that they know’.

As for me, this year leaves me with some unwanted nausea dished out hand in hand with new excitement and anticipation; it leaves me with sad memories and a ‘watch this space’ eagerness for new ones to be made. It has been a year of blood, sweat and certainly too many tears. I guess in away 2009 will not fade into the mass of years and time which equivalate ‘my past’ it will indeed be a stand out year that I will never forget. If it has changed me in anyway I hope it has been for the good. Tonight we will celebrate new years over BBQ with friends and family (dang it I cant have a drink!) and I hope 2010 has only good and happy things dished out for all! Happy new years!!