Savaii Loiifeee and living....

 Lately, Ive been feeling a bit off. Where I normally could hold my cool and keep things together, Im losing my marbles. Just a little bit. I used to be able to dodge multiple stressors or just downright annoying things, duck there ,alo here...whistle as we go and go with the flow but lately...I'm wanting to throw in the towel and punch someones eye out lol.  I know some of it, is a result of the exhausting but important change in my families lifestyle this year. My miss Mo  did her 2nd year schooling in Apia. We knew this change was coming. We ignored it for as long as possible. Like wrinkles  creeping up over the years  lol... We knew that someday, the kids would need that extra stimulation in schooling that Savaii couldn't give them. When they were little...the basics were fine, but secondary is buckle down time and we feared cruising through Savaii wouldn't provide that level of competition needed to thrive in education. 

So she moved across. Having been through this firsthand as a kid himself , my husbands heart broke. He recalls the days of missing his parents, catching the ferry to and fro, and having to grow up quick because you are left to live away for schooling yes with family but not your own immediate circle of comfort. So we made the choice that I would spend at least half a week there. So every Sunday me and the kids caught the 3pm ferry like clockwork, and I return with 2 of my 3 girls on Wednesday back to Savaii  . Luckily the other two don't have serious schooling commitments as Mo , and can move around with me. We got to know the crew down at the ports (wharf) by name and would often tip the guys so we always got a spot in the shade :) on the ferries (shh) . The ladies down at the Matautu wharf were on a first name basis like those cool baristas at the coffee stops in hospitals  in NZ  who'd just look at your face and would wink  that they got your order, didn't even have to open my mouth and the ladies were like " last ferry Wednesday come back Sunday ah?" ...such a warm feeling having that cushion of "we got you" around ya when life was throwing you lemons as last thing you need is people being unhelpful ....

Every week for a year this schedule. Rain shine wind  near hurricane, we were on that boat there. I worked only 2 or 3 days in my clinic when I return to Savaii on Wednesday and quickly realised how bad for business that actually was. I spent the whole year just trying to keep myself out of debt and worked just to make sure I could continue the work I did...some months Id have to stay in Apia longer then the 3 days for kids school meets and sports activities etc  and  I actually incurred more debt (and had to eat into savings)  then made anything which by the end of the year was really taxing on me. Normally between me and hubby, I am the one who is always complaining if our business are not profitable  and urging to cut our losses. In this case my husband was saying  we need to 'relook' at whether I can keep my clinic open ....which just morally tugged at me after all these years of trying to do something so desperately needed by Savaii  and hopefully, meant something to the people who were seen and registered here. 

In the last year, Ive had a ton of new really complicated patients register. At one point > 70% of my  daily appointments were new patients who always needed really complicated working up because...people don't know what meds they were taking and didn't bother to bring with them, didn't understand why they were admitted to hospital recently or 'what this operation was for'. People didn't have reports or results for tests they had had ordered by someone else and in the end, a 15 minute consult would end up being 1 hour plus time after work chasing stuff. Ive had to increase my new patient fees which again, I find hard  to reconcile my moral obligation to want to help people, with my business side telling me,  Im not a charity . 

Miss Mo did well at school, she did well in her school exams, and sat the Samco entrance exams and did well there too. Didn't expect any less from her, she carried the stress like a pro and proud of her. We promised  the kids a 'trip to NZ' earlier in year if they did well...and now sitting in my pools of debt and misery I curse my breadth at airnz for their aifafarken airfares this time of the year...seriously  cheaper to Fly to the states from NZ RETURN then one way from Samoa :( . Thanks Samoa for losing out by giving up on our airline and going back to being  held at ransome  by airnz fares. Latest in local news- government say we need our airline back again- eh, go figure, shaman ia. So I sold my kidney and Gigalo-ed my husband to pay for our fares. We will sort out spending money laters lol. 

In the last year, the only people that have screwed me are the banks. We once had a business mentor (some rich dude from NZ sponsored by a program run by the chamber of commerce to help coach and mentor up and coming small business enterprises) who told us not to forget that banks are there to work for us, help us, and to always have a good working relationship and communicate our needs with. In Samoa it is the other way around (well, esp for some banks at least not all   ) Over here the banks are the big kahuna .I've never once received a call to alert me to something wrong with my account, a transaction, to tell my my cheque-book Ive been waiting for or replacement card, has arrived and needs picking up....I don't know how many times I have to update my phone number what-is-the-point-when-no-one-ever-calls In fact I walk away feeling like staff are looking at me like I'm some complainer ehhhhhhhh. I keep meaning to go open a local bank account as everyone says they are the more Local  friendly bank, I just prefer the online banking facilities of the overseas banks but at the end of the day I think Im shooting myself in the foot and giving myself high BP with my stress over the lack of care or concern I get from them. I guess maybe if I were a millionaire then they would treat you different. Definitely what it feels like. 

 

It makes me think of the everyday stresses of island-style living. Samoa is such a small place when things don't work out in much of business life and affairs (including Government and organizations etc) it is always hard to rectify or make a change because you pretty much know or are related to or somehow connected to (ie your neighbor, your mothers friend, your uncles boss , your dads 3rd cousin etc) these people who are incompetent. And how do you go about calling out incompetency when our culture and the 'va' comes into place. How do we do it without offending people I guess is the real challenge. In my mind its simple, if you work and someone pays you, they you have a job to perform and if you cant then you shouldn't be there. Problem is when you don't have a pool of replacements to chose from, I often think incompetent people are left to fester in positions for far too long. Much to the demise of the service the organization the business whatever.  Sometimes I see these palagi consults being brought in to spend palagi money and wonder or almost feel offended that they didn't recognize that some locals could do that job. But other times I feel it is the smarter safer things to do cos perhaps they come in without these strings attached to everyone  and point out in-competencies easier then a local probably would? I dunno just saying aye. 

 Meanwhile, Miss 4 is growing a mile a minute. Such a palagi pepelo with her snowhite skin, dark eyes and golden brown hair with streaks of red. All talk and all "boss baby ish" She is growing too fast and we are savoring every second. Her dad misses her the most when we all shuffle off to Apia. Hes had half a year of loneliness in his house, just him and his cat. He has developed an addiction to watching his phone alot and although he will always say he is watching ' the news' I dont believe e news mai a le kaeao sei oo le midnight i le po. Kele o kaimi its stuff about boats and fishing. Suppose it could be worse:) But Digital dementia is real and its complications I am certain will be far reaching on the human race. I remember that carton with the robot that recycles trash and humans all live on a spaceship because earth is too polluted, and they all cant walk because they are so overweight they just lie in bed while robots feed bath  and do everything for them (ie entertainment is watch TV while laying flat in bed ) Yea I dont doubt that is the life digital dementia gravitates people towards. I think we all need a little less time glued to our phones and to smell the roses and say hello to the person sitting next to you more often. 

Ok , rant over :) Have a good week everyone

Going Home

Today is our 2nd to last day in NZ. I have to keep repeating that to myself just to appreciate the journey and remind myself  of where I am at in my life. It is a bitter sweet occasion. We , meaning my family , have been 'stuck' here in that we have been waiting for a flight home to Samoa since Decemeber. So the fact that a date is in place is a triumph, but reflecting on the whole journey and why we were here makes me sad. I feel a little like a part of my life ends here. The part in which I came to help mum. In essence it was just to be here for her and walk beside her, as mum had one of the worst and most unfair of illnesses, something that we all still find so difficult to accept. One that there was no light no miracles no hopes in its entirety. Mum passed on the 12th of December.  A  Sunday morning surrounded by loved ones. It is a memory that will forever be in my mind...one to treasure and one that haunts me so. There are alot of mixed emotions about  the whole experience but most of it I guess a personal battle to accept that it was what it was, and we did what we could...and mum was as prepared as she could be.We knew it wasnt going to be easy, we all came to help on the journey...but no one can prepare you for the reality of it all. Not in a  book, a pamphlet, a talk beforehand. You just cant prepare to watch a loved one die. It is an experience I wouldn't want to wish upon even my worst enemy... The pain and torture of worrying about the ifs and hows and whys is just another part of the whole experience that with time we have to let go of and hopefully somehow time will help  to heal. 

The months prior I am so thankful for. Thankful we could travel. Thankful we had NZ passports. Thankful we got MIQ spots...thankful for NZ government as well as ours. The time we got to spend with mum was truly some of our most treasured. All mum wanted was her raft  of ducklings surrounding her... to nurture, to 'oke' to cook for, to teach , to advice, reminisce with , to laugh with, rock to sleep, sing lullabies too...it was all special. And we all knew it, every single moment, minute, second...we lapped it up. And anytime a disagreement came up...over trivial things like what to cook, or when to go for a walk etc...I felt guilty every time I opened my mouth and didn't just do whatever mum wanted lol...it was always hard not to fall back into your usual bantering habits as this time round, life was different. And we wanted to make sure we gave thanks and enjoyed and allowed mum to enjoy, every bit of it.

 

I am sad that this journey is now where it is. 2 yrs ago, I prepared to give up everything, I left our businesses ...the worry and concern over their sustainability a small hiccup in the plan to just be with mum. Compared to all us childrens greatests moments in life where mum did nothing less then pull out all guns blazing and walked through fire for us, this was the least I could do. I am so thankful for my hubby..letting me go, holding the fort, battling his own loneliness, a similar thing the rest of the other hubbies also went through. I am so greatful we are all in a place in our lives that allowed us to come. The people who understood, the compassion we were all shown by so many. So many people I will forever be grateful to and for....

I know that mum wanted me here because I of my background and could understand the 'medical lingo'  It weighed heavily on me to not be able to offer her more then the dark picture her specialists ever painted. My own research proved futile as everywhere echoed mums drs own words...if you get 2 years you are lucky. I didnt want to believe  them when they said that. Mum would surely defy all odds! She was a fighter! She was fitter then us all and could withstand anything they had to throw at her disease! Even up until a month before, a part of me inside still believed this and urged mum to carry on with her life as normal, enjoy the things she loved, dance play walk eat  keep fit! ...no one would ever have thought then that she would not make the 2 yr mark. 

 What  lies ahead? As I look through my collection of pictures from the last year. I am so sad of the life we have ahead without you. Even Pele at such a young age misses you . You showered her with so much love and affection, that she felt it, and still asks for you now. She still thinks you are at the hospital. From you, she knows what hospitals are, she knows that doctors help to treat 'hurt' and make people better, she empathizes with people  who are sick or in pain...this morning she wailed that she wants you back from the hospital:( It makes everyone in the house sad when she remembers you....

Going back home now...an empty Lotopa awaits us. Your friends your  acquaintances our family, a life without you awaits us all and that is not an easy thing to think about. Im sure for everyone back home its the same...not seeing you and then not being able to say goodbye is truly a difficult thing. Any other year and it would have been different. Covid has given us all a hiding and so many lessons...I have truly learned to love  a little harder, celebrate  life more, appreciate the things around us that we have, savor all the small moments, ...

 

 We will be heading home to uncertain times still for our country... we will try to pick up the pieces and do our best. All the lessons in life you have taught constantly echo in  my head as if you were still here...you ARE! And we will always cherish you mum.  

I am so thankful for the technology we have now as well...to save all our memories, still clips, videos....we can listen to your voice any time we want, your laughter your presence. And that is something we can continue to share with our children as well. They all had such a bond with you. When we miss you it only takes a videoclip to bring a smile to our faces or  a laugh or two as well:)  All those special moments in our lives with you treasured. 

And so this journey comes to an end now. With our bittersweet return to "home" ...a home without you just doesnt seem fitting of its name... but i can hear your voice already telling us we need to go, get on with things, look after our lives or businesses our kids....A small part of me has enjoyed the prolonged stay as Ive secretly felt like the last leg of the journey with you  and for you IS  still present, your voice should echo down this hallway asking us if we've thought of what to cook for dinner, telling us to go for a walk and get some excercise...all those last moments still so clear and alive in this house. It  will be sad to leave behind mum. E le galo oe.  Your love for us reaches far beyond your departure date mum....you continued to look after us even now I only hope to one day be able to walk in your steps...and live the way you did. So much bigger then the small 5 foot what ? 2 inch person you were...your life and love had ripples in so many oceans mum...We will leave here, but we will always take you with us, in everything we do...we love you so much mum and will do our best to fulfil all that you wanted of us.

Letters to my mum

 Dearest mum,

It has been a month exactly today since you left us, and it has still not yet quite sunk in. In the enormity and finality of it all unless I allow my brain to think hard about it...in a silent moment. That is when it hits me like a ton of bricks...I have been ignorant and enjoyed staying at your house in new lynn. With pop around, and people popping in and out. You are here, you are everywhere. Everywhere I look, everything I do...I hear your voice, continuing to instruct, guide, comment. Our whole lives you had been there directing us even when we didnt know it. Much to our ignorance...fair to say I had many moments of naivity, faalii..feeling like you constantly helicoptered us...'grown adults'...and yet I know for a fact I will probably be the same with my kids until the day I die. When we think about all the pearls you gave us, of wisdom, love, advice, material things and non material things...amazing hardly sums it up, what you did for us.

Your  voice is still fresh in my mind...our last few conversations, your last big batch of baking...seeing the sparkle in your eye when all the grandkids were around...that was when you where your happiest and at your best. Cooking feeding playing  nurturing. You always had so much to give, i feel like Ive been so selfish cause I dont think I have been as giving as you...

Its so hard to know how to act or react when people speak about you. They want to express their sorrow and their grief over the void you left in their lives, incomparable to ours...and yet I feel obliged to somehow console and lift their spirits....sometimes I dont know how, sometimes its overwhelming. 

Poor Adolf, is lost without you. We are trying to support him...keep him busy and keep his surrounds busy. But I know he suffers when he closes his bedroom door at night...and lays alone on your bed. Even though you are there with him, he is lost. My heart breaks for him. 

We will be making our way home to Samoa soon. And I know there will be a hard road ahead to walk down. One without you. The family home empty. There will be cobwebs now on the ceiling that dont have you to fuss over  and clean. People who will be missing your effervescent drop ins and smiles. Everyone says we all have a bit of you in us, but we will never be able to replace you in the voids you have left behind. How easy it was to make excuses to travel to Apia when you were there at Lotopa. Youd whisk the kids in your arms and chase us away. I always knew everything would be fine if I was late from a function or got caught up in town with our shopping. You'd always have everything under control...kids fed bathed slept spoilt....something I never took for granted and now will miss so much. Thinking of my children missing out on your being there...on their milestones in school in life...is just so unfair. Especially my darling Pele who had grown so fond of you and you of her. She still thinks you are at the hospital and when Adolf grabs the car keys sometimes she pipes up and asks if he is "visiting Nana at the hospital"....

I know there is nothing that will make this any easier apart from time to accept it all. But know that we love you very much and will always keep you close in our hearts and minds , in all that we do and experience. xoxo

HUMP MONTH

Its Friday  and it feels like hump day for some reason. Actually its been hump week , hump month, hump quater of the year infact! Post elections has just been an uphill climb and theres no easy ride down in sight anytime soon. In fact it feels like we are climbing Mt Everest except its all at night and theres a storm around us. Humppphhhhh!!

I cant begin to describe the feeling.It feels like theres  a grey cloud looming everywhere you go . A sad or nasty feeling that you just cant shake off.  I guess, you could look out the window and for a moment and forget as  all is peaceful. People are going about their normal lives. Well , at least in Savaii they are. There does "appear"  to be some normality to our lives. Until people interact. You know, the usual "Hi how you been hows your family ? business? " is now all replaced with  who you voted for and your thoughts on current progress of it all ....its a painful conversation that I would rather avoid. I dont feel the need to share my reasons for who I voted for with anyon nor comment on the current outcomes painful as they are.  I dont feel like I need to be so convinced in my beliefs that I should actively be trying to dissuade others from their beliefs (unless of course someone tries to convince me of  lie they believe in!) . Yes I get that people are vested in their "side"  but it can so quickly become a heated debate that I'm not prepared on the run to be having with everyone.

 At the end of the day, I voted for who I believe in . And sometimes that means who I know enough about and have trust in. Maybe I know nothing about the other party and so I dont have any reason to give them my vote. Such is life. I dont think they are bad people or undeserving of the race, I dont think they are pure evil and feel the need to be in the boxing match with everyone. And mostly, I dont feel like as a human being we should start discriminating ourselves by who and why we voted for. Thats why the box is supposedly anonymous and private. Because it is meant to just be a private occasion for you to privately put your 2 cents in, without the need to parade this choice out to the world.  Otherwise it would have been a snapshot of your photo/face with a card with their names on it for the world to see and their entertainment  like  the reality show survivor.

Unfortunately, social media has given humans a medium to suddenly become overnight vocal warriors, and keyboard DEMONS, parading their support and reasons and blasting the non supporters to the extent that it is now an ugly war of words everywhere you look. Im over it. Infact, if someone were to say tomorrow to rid Samoa of FB I would put my hand up and say please. Because, my life seems peaceful, until I look at FB...then the bombardment of negativety, unrest and disgust coming through this little outlet is just shocking. It has revealed the ugly truth about alot of our Samoan brothers and sisters. Here and afar. And watching how names are thrown around and insults are hurdled at people who have worked hard for our country is just sad to say the least. 

Its a sad day when our Samoan community who are usually proud and boastful about our culture and faa'aloalo...have become so hurtful, inconsiderate and disrespectful . I guess this is progress and development. People want their voices and opinions heard (never mind how inaccurate) and each to his own right. I think success in that arena still relies heavily on progress going hand in hand with education. Educate your mind to civilise  your tongue. And not just vomit out words and think it will go by unnoticed because mate...it is noticed. If you ever wanted to spread propoganda  in Samoa like " the PM is the 4th richest person in the world!" (OH MY LORD!!!) please...do it online in Samoa with facebook and village news because it will burn its tracks within hours. 

 Suddenly, I feel like everyone is looking at each other sideways. He voted there she voted here and its like we are different species. Let us be civil and respectful and remember that we are all humans created by the man above in his image. Ive sat by and watched communities become divided, churches become divided and even couples !!!And it just makes me want to cry. Then theres this whole " Samoans overseas and Samoans in Samoa" eh...Im over that as well.  I feel a little insulted that there is belief outside of Samoa that people here at home dont know how to make choices for themselves. Its a misconception Ive found myself correcting even amongst my own relatives overseas whom after a lengthy debate/enlightenment on the reality of how things work back home, is always followed with a " Ooooohhh, wow , well we did'nt know that ....we understand now " but, I guess the number of misled outweigh the number of citizens living at home soooooo......we continue to be bamboozled with rubbish rumors and opinions from afar (this is of course generalising and doesnt apply to EVERYONE overseas of course fanks much to my loving family and friends ! )

I want Samoa to develop so I know elections and governments are important, but surely we the people must be able to handle this better. 

Ia, full stop. I want to go to sleep and wake up next year when its all over.In other news....

there is a Potato and fries shortage in Samoa. Ahliki wholesale have begun rationing and we are only allowed to be 1 box fries/potatoes at a time. What does this mean ? for all your fish n chip lovers, please dont be haters when our menu becomes Fish n ulu fries ..or taro fries or eggplant (all things Id much rather have but anyways) yes...if you are living overseas and feel the need to help your family. Maybe send some potatoes our way

fanks .