There is nothing more humbling in life, then experience.
This is something that 10 yrs ago, fresh
out of medschool..ready to ‘take on the world’
-- I cast little thought to. I think there is something about hormones,
puberty, going through adolescence that sometimes overarms us as human beings.
Makes us think that we know it all and can do it all ( yes , actually I can
Remember being that fiapoko little 16yr old lol) . That the world was indeed
our oyster and we were one of the best fisherman ready to indulge!!lol…10 yrs
ago- “old people” or “older people” were just that. Older people. Apparently
they were ‘wiser’ then me and us at the time, and maybe that was so. Maybe they
had learnt more etc…but I did not think I was ‘that’ different then a ‘me in 10
yrs time’ or a collegue at the hospital who was 10 yrs my senior (!!) I thought I
was fresh, well studied...had had 6 yrs of medical school experience under my belt (which was quite long or so I thought!) and with a bit of
practice would be ready to take on anything!
In the last 10 yrs since stepping onto the soil of my
homeland, having completed my medicine, I have never been so whipped before in
my life. The things that I have seen, dealt with, cried for, yelled at, laughed
with, encouraged, sympathized, lost my temper with, I can now honestly say I was vastly unprepared for - and having gone through each and every one of those moments, I can now vouch that I am indeed ,a whole
nother person. A more "experienced'' wiser more worldly - older me. And although at many times in the
last century I have felt way out of my league and undertrained,
under-knowledged, underskilled and abandoned in the bush, there is a great
lesson in life to be learnt from experience.
Every time I realise
that life has yet again, revealed the truth about something I thought I already
knew but obviously had not…I am always
astonished. At how vastly inexperienced and naïve, I had just been about
something and not too long ago. It is almost scary to think of how immature I actually was ...and immature more in the sense of approach/understanding/ability to exude confidence with and not the cheeky little shit sense lol:) And how humbled I am to now truly be able to
appreciate that experience , that condition, illness, event, emotion,occassion…with
a new set of eyes.
Then my own personal
experiences like having gone through childbirth, and medical
investigations…and others experiences - surgeries, watched people die of
terrible things like incurable illnesses, and heart attacks, and heart failure, sepsis.
Things like having to have some procedure done on myself, like an IV, a lumber puncture, a caesarean section- and then
realising all those times I counselled others on what to expect, was completely
inept for what I actually went through and
felt- and therefore felt like I had been a fraudster in all those previous
years!OMG useless!! Now instead, I just
hold peoples hands and layout the reality of what they will endure and there
is a sense of calm now that I know a
little bit more about something to be able to counsel someone with ease….
Having gone through it myself Is truly,
the best way to truly make you a decent counsellor of what to expectJ
Experience has opened my eyes out to far beyond the horizon.
I have seen things that have crept out of all corners of our community that I
had no idea about before. That no one had prepared me for and certainly had
never been exposed to in my upbringing.
I have seen the ugly side of poverty, of people not afforded the same
opportunities to health, people with mislaid beliefs of health problems and how
to treat them, and then watched them watch their loved ones, children die as a
result. The experiences one has no option but to choke down at times in
practicing medicine in Samoa are challenging, humbling, frustrating all rolled
up into one.
The worst of all experiences of course , is seeing a person die on me, whom I did not expect to
die. And then the wrath of the following days guilt, that I might have missed
something, not done more, or even contributed to somehow ….the death of a patient. There have been days I have prayed for
comfort, for people I have cared for…and for myself too. There have been days I
have thought “THAT’S IT..i can’t do this anymore’…the challenge is too big…there’s
not enough of us- its ridiculous to expect people to work like this!…not enough
resources not enough support not enough anything to make this job easier, ideal
or even safe for me…but then I
think…well, that goes for everyone doesn’t it? All my collegues…young and
old…fresh out of school or here 100 yrs…they are all trudging on in this
environment.And its not that no ones trying to change it. Its just htat change
in Samoa for some reason is like pushing an elephant. Its not impossible its
just ridiculously hard and slow. And
here I am crying about it not being easier. Nothing is easy in life. And maybe
my perceived hardships suck…but at the end of the day. There is just not enough
drs here. And if I remove myself that’s
one less then the whole lot of ‘little’ that there was before. Right now there’s
6. 6 drs ( and that’s no 6 GPs, that’s 2 gps and 4 hosp staff) looking after tens of thousands of Savaiians.
So who is ever going to help make it
easier for the next person if not me?
Then,this whole
concept of maintaining ones distance and keeping yourself separate from your
patients and their issues, problems, health concerns is something I have never been able to do. I
don’t think it is really possible in Samoa due to the small size of our country
and everyone knowing everyone. Even if I try to keep my distance it always
comes back to me through- my family telling me ( I had seen their aunties best
friend and they have put all their faith in me to sort out their health issues)
or a collegue at work, a neighbours
aunt, the gardeners dad….at the end of the day the connection somehow is always
presented to me …that there is some closeness of this person and therefore I
must work extra hard because not just the patient has expectations…but now
everyone else is awaiting news too !!
I try very hard to
keep my sanity by asking that people see me in clinic and not, on the road, at
the restaurant, parked on the road at frankies or at some formal event I have
attended. That’s where I do draw the line and get a bit titchy much to the
disappointment of my hubby sometimes. But Im pretty feisty when it comes to
seeing people “properly” and examining them properly in a formal setting, with all my tools etc
and notes and can ask the sensitive
questions etc. And not just guessing and pissing in the wind, outside of the
carpark at frankies, because they aren’t going to pull their pants down to show
me the rash (obviously) but instead want to just describe it and me give them
the magic cream lol. No, when it comes to examining people its always gonna be
in my examination room please. Unfortunately me trying to educate people
about that always ends up looking more like Im being unhelpful and stubborn L but oh well. Im sure
there are worse names to be called.
Anyways, I am ever grateful that to date, the good man above
has blessed me and my own immediate family good health. Im pretty bad with
stressing about people I know when they get sick (only because of all the worst
case scenarios that play through my head and the lack of resources to be able
to rule half of those scenarios out confidently!!) and if my kids had the misfortune of getting
sick…I might just pack up house and move to NZ for the most trivial symptom.
Yes, hubby be warned lol. Anyways…its tough times in Samunda but I /we do try
our best.
One of the funniest (well, not funny but maybe slightly
hysteria inducing) things about some people I come across here is their lack of
knowledge of what IS NOT available in Samoa from a medical perspective. Like people that rock on
up and are like…so I have this symptom bla bla and so I saw on TV in America
this test and had a talk to my family and am here coz I want that done
now…yup …something really expensive and specialist requiring and probably wont be
available in Samoa for another 20 yrs…is not available here friend…much to the
shock horror of this patient. Then they are like ‘can I see the specialist then’…which
again, is no because Samoa does not have one of those specialists…shock horror.
Specialists do not fall from the sky nor are easy to find. It
takes years and years to train to become a specialist (and that’s like exams
and stuff and not just years of work experience!) not to mention is really
freaken hard…there is an infinite amount of material to learn about the human
body and disease, current treatments, drugs, investigations etc....its changing
all the time..and mostly you have to be a little bit of a genius to complete …and
when I say years and years…like 12 yrs or more…many people give up or fail before completing. If it’s a woman
often life gets in the way and they have babies and a family before completing…sometimes
the ones that do complete, get an epiphany
at the end and realise they’ve slugged half their lives away at this degree working
night shifts and crap hours, missing out on society friends and family to get there that the pot of gold more lucrative
careers offered in developed countries at the end of it all- becomes more important
then returning to a peanut pay packet and challenged work environment at home
(esp if you’ve started a family during the process) etc… anyways…my point is…its
freaken hard. At to be honest, Samoa at present only has a handful of actually
fully qualified and practising in hospital specialists. Everything
else we don’t have we depend on a
visiting volunteer to come help with. That’s the truth on that issue right
thur (I have just remembered an article in the paper on Sunday that got my
knickers in a twist because a general member of the public was complaining
about not having access to a specialist after a visit to ED)
Anyways. That’s were
life is at , at the moment. Thats the truth right thur. If you didnt know - now you do lol:) and a bit of a rant and rave from me as usual! I hope everyone's been having an awesome day week month. Its almost up so live it up.
Til the next blog.
ciao
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