Reminiscing

 As 2025 drops upon us like a thunderstorm on a sunny Apia afternoon, I remember my school days and my dear mum who did alot of the 'raising of 4 children' on her own after my parents split. Alongside running her own busy business was the commuting of kids to and from different schools (which is one of the most chaotic &  mundane chores a parent is blessed with (Lol)) ...allowing us to have other activities outside of school like sports and girl-guides (for a short while) and some random dance/music and karate classes (lol) . I find myself losing my cool on a daily basis with my kids- always in the car, and turning into a monster that I didn't know existed- trying to wake them (raise them from the dead) in the mornings, get dressed/look presentable/Fed and organised into the car without forgetting their water bottles/homework/ lunch / change for sports/signed permission slips etc. We've also been trying very hard to leave early enough so that the  last one doesn't get fined for being late. The last drop off across town incurs a 50cent penalty for arriving late...apparently fundraising for a class mop which I'm pretty sure at the rate we are going is being sponsored by me.  

I dont remember the chaos of this chore (school and after-school  runs) when I was young but I'm sure my mum felt it...I think she just didn't show it. I remember catching rides with other people a lot and this was always fun. I remember my mum always attending our sports and parent teacher days and prize givings etc. How she did it and still managed to run her business still baffles me, I'm sure there was alot of help though from her family..my aunties and Nana...that we just didn't see. They say it takes a village and I'm sure for us it did...we were very lucky that we had our own family mini village here at Lotopa with lots of relatives (and prying eyes lol) to help raise us ulavale  munchkins. 

I find myself at the end of the day reflecting on her strength and reminding myself that as hard as it is- doing it on my own alot  (while hubby holds the fort in Hawaii- ie Savaii ) the benefit is that my kids get to enjoy an education that many in Savaii long  for and still miss out on.  My youngest attended a Kindy here for the previous 2 years that I can not praise enough. A friend recommended this school with a "you know my kids could read when they left there"  which I actually didn't believe and thought- her kids were there like 15yrs ago (all grown up now) surely shes exaggerating a little lol...but no, she was true to her word - this school was amazing and my daughter was so loved and so encouraged by the staff there (Tolumailani preschool Fatoia)  ...by the time she left (after 2 years) she had learned alot more then just all her numbers/letters/basic reading and math - she had also developed so many lifeskills and lessons. All the things they do with outside agencies like the fire station and health department and what to do in those scenarios. The daily rituals they have at school encouraging their leadership skills taking turns ka'ika'iing their songs and loku etc Their field trips to museums and places that allowed them to truly be immersed in the wonders of the world and learning, has set her up no doubt for her early school life.  2 weeks into school and shes already come home with a certificate " Super Speller of the week" that we are so proud of  - its pinned to our fridge in Savaii so that dad and her baby sitter can look at it and beam as they miss her so much and encourage her to "do her best at school" every Sunday when we leave Savaii :) 

 

 

2024

 

 2024 has been a year of many boat rides, single parenting woes, missing my home, my hubby, my business (wow-sers) my previous life. But grateful to be around family, fast-food (oh no) friends for a change...not sure that evens everything out but theres a greater overriding good and that is Education:) Im not sure that the gravity of that has sunk in with my kids though as I think they believe they're just here to hang out with their cousins and illegally watch tiktoks on their friends phones:(  Funny that whenever they're told to break out the books one has to immediately go have a long date with the toilet and the other asks if they can have a nap cause they're really tired from school...next minute, waking them up from their 4 hour afternoon nap! ......ehhhhh

Most of all we miss dad, and that is why when people ask how we do it, all th travel , back and forth-ings, well...its not easy but its worth it :) Pics depict why :) 

Savaii Loiifeee and living....

 Lately, Ive been feeling a bit off. Where I normally could hold my cool and keep things together, Im losing my marbles. Just a little bit. I used to be able to dodge multiple stressors or just downright annoying things, duck there ,alo here...whistle as we go and go with the flow but lately...I'm wanting to throw in the towel and punch someones eye out lol.  I know some of it, is a result of the exhausting but important change in my families lifestyle this year. My miss Mo  did her 2nd year schooling in Apia. We knew this change was coming. We ignored it for as long as possible. Like wrinkles  creeping up over the years  lol... We knew that someday, the kids would need that extra stimulation in schooling that Savaii couldn't give them. When they were little...the basics were fine, but secondary is buckle down time and we feared cruising through Savaii wouldn't provide that level of competition needed to thrive in education. 

So she moved across. Having been through this firsthand as a kid himself , my husbands heart broke. He recalls the days of missing his parents, catching the ferry to and fro, and having to grow up quick because you are left to live away for schooling yes with family but not your own immediate circle of comfort. So we made the choice that I would spend at least half a week there. So every Sunday me and the kids caught the 3pm ferry like clockwork, and I return with 2 of my 3 girls on Wednesday back to Savaii  . Luckily the other two don't have serious schooling commitments as Mo , and can move around with me. We got to know the crew down at the ports (wharf) by name and would often tip the guys so we always got a spot in the shade :) on the ferries (shh) . The ladies down at the Matautu wharf were on a first name basis like those cool baristas at the coffee stops in hospitals  in NZ  who'd just look at your face and would wink  that they got your order, didn't even have to open my mouth and the ladies were like " last ferry Wednesday come back Sunday ah?" ...such a warm feeling having that cushion of "we got you" around ya when life was throwing you lemons as last thing you need is people being unhelpful ....

Every week for a year this schedule. Rain shine wind  near hurricane, we were on that boat there. I worked only 2 or 3 days in my clinic when I return to Savaii on Wednesday and quickly realised how bad for business that actually was. I spent the whole year just trying to keep myself out of debt and worked just to make sure I could continue the work I did...some months Id have to stay in Apia longer then the 3 days for kids school meets and sports activities etc  and  I actually incurred more debt (and had to eat into savings)  then made anything which by the end of the year was really taxing on me. Normally between me and hubby, I am the one who is always complaining if our business are not profitable  and urging to cut our losses. In this case my husband was saying  we need to 'relook' at whether I can keep my clinic open ....which just morally tugged at me after all these years of trying to do something so desperately needed by Savaii  and hopefully, meant something to the people who were seen and registered here. 

In the last year, Ive had a ton of new really complicated patients register. At one point > 70% of my  daily appointments were new patients who always needed really complicated working up because...people don't know what meds they were taking and didn't bother to bring with them, didn't understand why they were admitted to hospital recently or 'what this operation was for'. People didn't have reports or results for tests they had had ordered by someone else and in the end, a 15 minute consult would end up being 1 hour plus time after work chasing stuff. Ive had to increase my new patient fees which again, I find hard  to reconcile my moral obligation to want to help people, with my business side telling me,  Im not a charity . 

Miss Mo did well at school, she did well in her school exams, and sat the Samco entrance exams and did well there too. Didn't expect any less from her, she carried the stress like a pro and proud of her. We promised  the kids a 'trip to NZ' earlier in year if they did well...and now sitting in my pools of debt and misery I curse my breadth at airnz for their aifafarken airfares this time of the year...seriously  cheaper to Fly to the states from NZ RETURN then one way from Samoa :( . Thanks Samoa for losing out by giving up on our airline and going back to being  held at ransome  by airnz fares. Latest in local news- government say we need our airline back again- eh, go figure, shaman ia. So I sold my kidney and Gigalo-ed my husband to pay for our fares. We will sort out spending money laters lol. 

In the last year, the only people that have screwed me are the banks. We once had a business mentor (some rich dude from NZ sponsored by a program run by the chamber of commerce to help coach and mentor up and coming small business enterprises) who told us not to forget that banks are there to work for us, help us, and to always have a good working relationship and communicate our needs with. In Samoa it is the other way around (well, esp for some banks at least not all   ) Over here the banks are the big kahuna .I've never once received a call to alert me to something wrong with my account, a transaction, to tell my my cheque-book Ive been waiting for or replacement card, has arrived and needs picking up....I don't know how many times I have to update my phone number what-is-the-point-when-no-one-ever-calls In fact I walk away feeling like staff are looking at me like I'm some complainer ehhhhhhhh. I keep meaning to go open a local bank account as everyone says they are the more Local  friendly bank, I just prefer the online banking facilities of the overseas banks but at the end of the day I think Im shooting myself in the foot and giving myself high BP with my stress over the lack of care or concern I get from them. I guess maybe if I were a millionaire then they would treat you different. Definitely what it feels like. 

 

It makes me think of the everyday stresses of island-style living. Samoa is such a small place when things don't work out in much of business life and affairs (including Government and organizations etc) it is always hard to rectify or make a change because you pretty much know or are related to or somehow connected to (ie your neighbor, your mothers friend, your uncles boss , your dads 3rd cousin etc) these people who are incompetent. And how do you go about calling out incompetency when our culture and the 'va' comes into place. How do we do it without offending people I guess is the real challenge. In my mind its simple, if you work and someone pays you, they you have a job to perform and if you cant then you shouldn't be there. Problem is when you don't have a pool of replacements to chose from, I often think incompetent people are left to fester in positions for far too long. Much to the demise of the service the organization the business whatever.  Sometimes I see these palagi consults being brought in to spend palagi money and wonder or almost feel offended that they didn't recognize that some locals could do that job. But other times I feel it is the smarter safer things to do cos perhaps they come in without these strings attached to everyone  and point out in-competencies easier then a local probably would? I dunno just saying aye. 

 Meanwhile, Miss 4 is growing a mile a minute. Such a palagi pepelo with her snowhite skin, dark eyes and golden brown hair with streaks of red. All talk and all "boss baby ish" She is growing too fast and we are savoring every second. Her dad misses her the most when we all shuffle off to Apia. Hes had half a year of loneliness in his house, just him and his cat. He has developed an addiction to watching his phone alot and although he will always say he is watching ' the news' I dont believe e news mai a le kaeao sei oo le midnight i le po. Kele o kaimi its stuff about boats and fishing. Suppose it could be worse:) But Digital dementia is real and its complications I am certain will be far reaching on the human race. I remember that carton with the robot that recycles trash and humans all live on a spaceship because earth is too polluted, and they all cant walk because they are so overweight they just lie in bed while robots feed bath  and do everything for them (ie entertainment is watch TV while laying flat in bed ) Yea I dont doubt that is the life digital dementia gravitates people towards. I think we all need a little less time glued to our phones and to smell the roses and say hello to the person sitting next to you more often. 

Ok , rant over :) Have a good week everyone

Going Home

Today is our 2nd to last day in NZ. I have to keep repeating that to myself just to appreciate the journey and remind myself  of where I am at in my life. It is a bitter sweet occasion. We , meaning my family , have been 'stuck' here in that we have been waiting for a flight home to Samoa since Decemeber. So the fact that a date is in place is a triumph, but reflecting on the whole journey and why we were here makes me sad. I feel a little like a part of my life ends here. The part in which I came to help mum. In essence it was just to be here for her and walk beside her, as mum had one of the worst and most unfair of illnesses, something that we all still find so difficult to accept. One that there was no light no miracles no hopes in its entirety. Mum passed on the 12th of December.  A  Sunday morning surrounded by loved ones. It is a memory that will forever be in my mind...one to treasure and one that haunts me so. There are alot of mixed emotions about  the whole experience but most of it I guess a personal battle to accept that it was what it was, and we did what we could...and mum was as prepared as she could be.We knew it wasnt going to be easy, we all came to help on the journey...but no one can prepare you for the reality of it all. Not in a  book, a pamphlet, a talk beforehand. You just cant prepare to watch a loved one die. It is an experience I wouldn't want to wish upon even my worst enemy... The pain and torture of worrying about the ifs and hows and whys is just another part of the whole experience that with time we have to let go of and hopefully somehow time will help  to heal. 

The months prior I am so thankful for. Thankful we could travel. Thankful we had NZ passports. Thankful we got MIQ spots...thankful for NZ government as well as ours. The time we got to spend with mum was truly some of our most treasured. All mum wanted was her raft  of ducklings surrounding her... to nurture, to 'oke' to cook for, to teach , to advice, reminisce with , to laugh with, rock to sleep, sing lullabies too...it was all special. And we all knew it, every single moment, minute, second...we lapped it up. And anytime a disagreement came up...over trivial things like what to cook, or when to go for a walk etc...I felt guilty every time I opened my mouth and didn't just do whatever mum wanted lol...it was always hard not to fall back into your usual bantering habits as this time round, life was different. And we wanted to make sure we gave thanks and enjoyed and allowed mum to enjoy, every bit of it.

 

I am sad that this journey is now where it is. 2 yrs ago, I prepared to give up everything, I left our businesses ...the worry and concern over their sustainability a small hiccup in the plan to just be with mum. Compared to all us childrens greatests moments in life where mum did nothing less then pull out all guns blazing and walked through fire for us, this was the least I could do. I am so thankful for my hubby..letting me go, holding the fort, battling his own loneliness, a similar thing the rest of the other hubbies also went through. I am so greatful we are all in a place in our lives that allowed us to come. The people who understood, the compassion we were all shown by so many. So many people I will forever be grateful to and for....

I know that mum wanted me here because I of my background and could understand the 'medical lingo'  It weighed heavily on me to not be able to offer her more then the dark picture her specialists ever painted. My own research proved futile as everywhere echoed mums drs own words...if you get 2 years you are lucky. I didnt want to believe  them when they said that. Mum would surely defy all odds! She was a fighter! She was fitter then us all and could withstand anything they had to throw at her disease! Even up until a month before, a part of me inside still believed this and urged mum to carry on with her life as normal, enjoy the things she loved, dance play walk eat  keep fit! ...no one would ever have thought then that she would not make the 2 yr mark. 

 What  lies ahead? As I look through my collection of pictures from the last year. I am so sad of the life we have ahead without you. Even Pele at such a young age misses you . You showered her with so much love and affection, that she felt it, and still asks for you now. She still thinks you are at the hospital. From you, she knows what hospitals are, she knows that doctors help to treat 'hurt' and make people better, she empathizes with people  who are sick or in pain...this morning she wailed that she wants you back from the hospital:( It makes everyone in the house sad when she remembers you....

Going back home now...an empty Lotopa awaits us. Your friends your  acquaintances our family, a life without you awaits us all and that is not an easy thing to think about. Im sure for everyone back home its the same...not seeing you and then not being able to say goodbye is truly a difficult thing. Any other year and it would have been different. Covid has given us all a hiding and so many lessons...I have truly learned to love  a little harder, celebrate  life more, appreciate the things around us that we have, savor all the small moments, ...

 

 We will be heading home to uncertain times still for our country... we will try to pick up the pieces and do our best. All the lessons in life you have taught constantly echo in  my head as if you were still here...you ARE! And we will always cherish you mum.  

I am so thankful for the technology we have now as well...to save all our memories, still clips, videos....we can listen to your voice any time we want, your laughter your presence. And that is something we can continue to share with our children as well. They all had such a bond with you. When we miss you it only takes a videoclip to bring a smile to our faces or  a laugh or two as well:)  All those special moments in our lives with you treasured. 

And so this journey comes to an end now. With our bittersweet return to "home" ...a home without you just doesnt seem fitting of its name... but i can hear your voice already telling us we need to go, get on with things, look after our lives or businesses our kids....A small part of me has enjoyed the prolonged stay as Ive secretly felt like the last leg of the journey with you  and for you IS  still present, your voice should echo down this hallway asking us if we've thought of what to cook for dinner, telling us to go for a walk and get some excercise...all those last moments still so clear and alive in this house. It  will be sad to leave behind mum. E le galo oe.  Your love for us reaches far beyond your departure date mum....you continued to look after us even now I only hope to one day be able to walk in your steps...and live the way you did. So much bigger then the small 5 foot what ? 2 inch person you were...your life and love had ripples in so many oceans mum...We will leave here, but we will always take you with us, in everything we do...we love you so much mum and will do our best to fulfil all that you wanted of us.

Letters to my mum

 Dearest mum,

It has been a month exactly today since you left us, and it has still not yet quite sunk in. In the enormity and finality of it all unless I allow my brain to think hard about it...in a silent moment. That is when it hits me like a ton of bricks...I have been ignorant and enjoyed staying at your house in new lynn. With pop around, and people popping in and out. You are here, you are everywhere. Everywhere I look, everything I do...I hear your voice, continuing to instruct, guide, comment. Our whole lives you had been there directing us even when we didnt know it. Much to our ignorance...fair to say I had many moments of naivity, faalii..feeling like you constantly helicoptered us...'grown adults'...and yet I know for a fact I will probably be the same with my kids until the day I die. When we think about all the pearls you gave us, of wisdom, love, advice, material things and non material things...amazing hardly sums it up, what you did for us.

Your  voice is still fresh in my mind...our last few conversations, your last big batch of baking...seeing the sparkle in your eye when all the grandkids were around...that was when you where your happiest and at your best. Cooking feeding playing  nurturing. You always had so much to give, i feel like Ive been so selfish cause I dont think I have been as giving as you...

Its so hard to know how to act or react when people speak about you. They want to express their sorrow and their grief over the void you left in their lives, incomparable to ours...and yet I feel obliged to somehow console and lift their spirits....sometimes I dont know how, sometimes its overwhelming. 

Poor Adolf, is lost without you. We are trying to support him...keep him busy and keep his surrounds busy. But I know he suffers when he closes his bedroom door at night...and lays alone on your bed. Even though you are there with him, he is lost. My heart breaks for him. 

We will be making our way home to Samoa soon. And I know there will be a hard road ahead to walk down. One without you. The family home empty. There will be cobwebs now on the ceiling that dont have you to fuss over  and clean. People who will be missing your effervescent drop ins and smiles. Everyone says we all have a bit of you in us, but we will never be able to replace you in the voids you have left behind. How easy it was to make excuses to travel to Apia when you were there at Lotopa. Youd whisk the kids in your arms and chase us away. I always knew everything would be fine if I was late from a function or got caught up in town with our shopping. You'd always have everything under control...kids fed bathed slept spoilt....something I never took for granted and now will miss so much. Thinking of my children missing out on your being there...on their milestones in school in life...is just so unfair. Especially my darling Pele who had grown so fond of you and you of her. She still thinks you are at the hospital and when Adolf grabs the car keys sometimes she pipes up and asks if he is "visiting Nana at the hospital"....

I know there is nothing that will make this any easier apart from time to accept it all. But know that we love you very much and will always keep you close in our hearts and minds , in all that we do and experience. xoxo

HUMP MONTH

Its Friday  and it feels like hump day for some reason. Actually its been hump week , hump month, hump quater of the year infact! Post elections has just been an uphill climb and theres no easy ride down in sight anytime soon. In fact it feels like we are climbing Mt Everest except its all at night and theres a storm around us. Humppphhhhh!!

I cant begin to describe the feeling.It feels like theres  a grey cloud looming everywhere you go . A sad or nasty feeling that you just cant shake off.  I guess, you could look out the window and for a moment and forget as  all is peaceful. People are going about their normal lives. Well , at least in Savaii they are. There does "appear"  to be some normality to our lives. Until people interact. You know, the usual "Hi how you been hows your family ? business? " is now all replaced with  who you voted for and your thoughts on current progress of it all ....its a painful conversation that I would rather avoid. I dont feel the need to share my reasons for who I voted for with anyon nor comment on the current outcomes painful as they are.  I dont feel like I need to be so convinced in my beliefs that I should actively be trying to dissuade others from their beliefs (unless of course someone tries to convince me of  lie they believe in!) . Yes I get that people are vested in their "side"  but it can so quickly become a heated debate that I'm not prepared on the run to be having with everyone.

 At the end of the day, I voted for who I believe in . And sometimes that means who I know enough about and have trust in. Maybe I know nothing about the other party and so I dont have any reason to give them my vote. Such is life. I dont think they are bad people or undeserving of the race, I dont think they are pure evil and feel the need to be in the boxing match with everyone. And mostly, I dont feel like as a human being we should start discriminating ourselves by who and why we voted for. Thats why the box is supposedly anonymous and private. Because it is meant to just be a private occasion for you to privately put your 2 cents in, without the need to parade this choice out to the world.  Otherwise it would have been a snapshot of your photo/face with a card with their names on it for the world to see and their entertainment  like  the reality show survivor.

Unfortunately, social media has given humans a medium to suddenly become overnight vocal warriors, and keyboard DEMONS, parading their support and reasons and blasting the non supporters to the extent that it is now an ugly war of words everywhere you look. Im over it. Infact, if someone were to say tomorrow to rid Samoa of FB I would put my hand up and say please. Because, my life seems peaceful, until I look at FB...then the bombardment of negativety, unrest and disgust coming through this little outlet is just shocking. It has revealed the ugly truth about alot of our Samoan brothers and sisters. Here and afar. And watching how names are thrown around and insults are hurdled at people who have worked hard for our country is just sad to say the least. 

Its a sad day when our Samoan community who are usually proud and boastful about our culture and faa'aloalo...have become so hurtful, inconsiderate and disrespectful . I guess this is progress and development. People want their voices and opinions heard (never mind how inaccurate) and each to his own right. I think success in that arena still relies heavily on progress going hand in hand with education. Educate your mind to civilise  your tongue. And not just vomit out words and think it will go by unnoticed because mate...it is noticed. If you ever wanted to spread propoganda  in Samoa like " the PM is the 4th richest person in the world!" (OH MY LORD!!!) please...do it online in Samoa with facebook and village news because it will burn its tracks within hours. 

 Suddenly, I feel like everyone is looking at each other sideways. He voted there she voted here and its like we are different species. Let us be civil and respectful and remember that we are all humans created by the man above in his image. Ive sat by and watched communities become divided, churches become divided and even couples !!!And it just makes me want to cry. Then theres this whole " Samoans overseas and Samoans in Samoa" eh...Im over that as well.  I feel a little insulted that there is belief outside of Samoa that people here at home dont know how to make choices for themselves. Its a misconception Ive found myself correcting even amongst my own relatives overseas whom after a lengthy debate/enlightenment on the reality of how things work back home, is always followed with a " Ooooohhh, wow , well we did'nt know that ....we understand now " but, I guess the number of misled outweigh the number of citizens living at home soooooo......we continue to be bamboozled with rubbish rumors and opinions from afar (this is of course generalising and doesnt apply to EVERYONE overseas of course fanks much to my loving family and friends ! )

I want Samoa to develop so I know elections and governments are important, but surely we the people must be able to handle this better. 

Ia, full stop. I want to go to sleep and wake up next year when its all over.In other news....

there is a Potato and fries shortage in Samoa. Ahliki wholesale have begun rationing and we are only allowed to be 1 box fries/potatoes at a time. What does this mean ? for all your fish n chip lovers, please dont be haters when our menu becomes Fish n ulu fries ..or taro fries or eggplant (all things Id much rather have but anyways) yes...if you are living overseas and feel the need to help your family. Maybe send some potatoes our way

fanks .

January 2021

Like Angina,

I find it hard to breathe...

thinking of whats to come...

the loves I have to leave.

 

Paua shells and pohutakawas

...cafes and malls

if home is where the heart is...

Why cant I have it all?

 

the daughter I cry over..

growing up way to fast.

my chest is tight.

how long will this last.

 

Quarantine

Isolation

4^th time round

for the good of the nation.

 

Baby Pele,

she grew up behind the glass

smiling at strangers...

behind shields and masks...

 

Hospitals, healthcare

investigations and diagnosis

Not available in the islands,

poor prognosis

 

Like anxiety, my chest hurts

my heart thuds like its trying to escape

Trying to think of right from wrong

the decisions we have to make.

 

Covid, pandemic

new and virulent strain

sacrifice and scanning in

hopefully not all in vein...

 

my daughters eyes

 they are so big

I see the fear in them

I want to curl her into my arms,

and tell her she'll never have to leave them

 

but life's been good, at never giving me

a straight path to choose

 its always been a windy one

something always has to lose

 

God protect them,

please be at our sides

I don't know how else we will

survive ....

 

my heart beats

I will leave you

I will be oceans away

and in that time we must be strong

we will see each other again ,

one day

 

My home for 14 days

That 1 month of my life.



For unfortunate reasons, I found myself having to make arrangements to travel to NZ smack in the middle of the Covid Pandemic. Being a dual citizen this was possible thank goodness but so surreal the whole experience. I couldn’t help feeling like an actor in a Netflix series of the new world where germs and viruses dictate the way we live…I still cant shake that feeling off yet and worry that there may be some truth in that. So, needing to travel to NZ urgently, the hubby I made the difficult decision for me to go and take our infant daughter. He would stay behind with the older two still in school.



Packing for the  trip. How stressful. Knowing we were going into mandatory isolation we were told, bring everything you need for 2 weeks. For a baby that means  diapers rash cream, baby Panadol and baby food for 2 weeks! I wanted to ask if we could have a package dropped off or online shopping but there wasn’t really anyone to ask . We took what we could. Leaving Samoa the airport staff and experience was pleasant. The ladies at checkin however took my pram off me despite me asking to keep in inflight as usually the planes from samoa park a loooooonnnggg way away from baggage (why is that?) and I didn’t want to have to carry heavy baby and 2 bags the whole way. “don’t worry” they assured me. “we’ll make sure its outside the gate when you disembark the plane” we always do that they said.



Arrive on the other side. No pram in sight. Disembarking the plane takes an hour as we have to be offloaded in small groups of 5. Everyone is a walking virus until proven otherwise. Even though samoa has no covid. Im frantically trying to hold baby grab my backpack and my bags…and trying to ask an airhostess or person outside about my pram. NO-ONE-CARES….usher me along, don’t know anything about a pram, pick it up at luggage surely. F*@!K. exactly whaa worried about. No one tries to help with my juggling act. I must be conora saturated lol. Anyways, get to baggage HUFFING AND PUFFING> the whole getting out from there was pretty painful just cos I had a baby in tow and the whole hands off thing with this pandemic meant that I was kind of on my own. The aiport is ghost town. We are ushered into a bus, It feels surreal to be ushered into a bus not knowing where we are going. Thankfully its only down the road to sudima hotel (literally 10minutes from hotel ) getting off the bus however is more painful then getting of the plane. Each person has to be offloaded infdividually and an official moh person has to run through all the rules one by one. OMG I can think of so many ways to do that better but I guess it makes sure no one can play dumb after. Far out. We landed at like 7 I think and don’t get into room until after midnight ☹



The next 14 days are summarised by

-too much food

-baby safing a room

-watching sunsets

Watching sunrises

Watching the DHL and postie trucks go by (a lot of trucks go by, we must be in some industrial area)

Watching people in the smoko area of the carpark

Watching that ?tongan family do Tabata everyday

Watching people try to burn off energy going round and round in the carpark

Going round and round in the carpark ourselves

Watching security watch us…

-not allowed to sit in lobby everything is hazard taped off (bar restaurant pool gym etc) basically you must move through the lobby but don’t stop (less you drop off or pick up a germ I guess) there is a small carpark with 3 trees you are allowed to go walk around in. its fenced with security everywhere. There are army people wondering in and out from time to time kinda intimidating but they are nice eye candy so its ok.

We get to register to go for a walk down to a park. I go with baby. By park it was just some grass behind a big shed but no swings or slides or anything I thought might be nice for baby. I sit under a tree and we eat yogurt until some teenagers have done with their game of rugby and we all walk back to the hotel in line formation.

My saving grace is being able to order coffee to the room (barrista coffee) yay.

Baby has fallen so many times in the room. Thank god its carpet but, she has bumped her head (big eggish lump) split her lip (tub in bathroom) and bit her tongue (OMG if cyfs were around lord forbid they take her off me!!) Ive moved all the beds to cover any edges from tables and chairs but it’s a small space for the little one to wonder. Shes only just started standing in the last few days so her exploring skills are on the rise. It breaks her dads heart to hear and see her little steps and advances when we call on messanger. Everyday she  seems to learn something new. I till can't believe the year we are in.



We are allowed to order online shopping so I go a bit crazy with fresh.co.nz groceries. I end up taking 90% of the stuff out with me when I leave cos we didn’t really need rice crackers and extra tea coffee milk powder/cereal /twisties/chocolates etc….!



Despite free wifi I don’t really do much Netflix or movie watching. Its hard to look away when theres a baby around. The 2 naps she has (or 3) I use trying to catch up with emails and check on things back home. Never enough time.

We are allowed washing twice a week. Despite it being included (free) we get the bill in the bag when clothes are returned  I guess so to feel lucky that we don't have to pay ? (thankyou NZ  government pays) WOW $143 NZD for what I would consider half a load. Gosh they mustve had some goddesses of Rome handwash my knickers !!



D-day comes and we couldn’t be more eager to GET OUT OF THERE. Some formalities though.. wait for nurse…fill out form…take to designated official at reception. There isn’t a special person at reception when I leave…see a nurse getting into elevator- “ask reception” see reception – hmm, give it to guard…see guard---uhm leave it at reception. OK guys, seems checkin you’ve got down but check out ?? different story ANYWAY…hip hip horray- poppa has come to get us. THANKYOU LORD for keeping us healthy and sane . no corona virus here faafetai  looking forward to seeing mum and having our first KFC!

saying goodbye to dad at airport.

He doesnt want to let go 

Carpark shenanigans

our room 

We need new toys..empty bottles wont do!

the one tree at the "park" 

She doesnt like socks

She learnt to stand in Sudima!

Too much shopping we didnt need

HI POPPA

HI NANA

WE OUT YAY!

The "we'll call you back " phenomena

My journey and time working in our health system back home has been a bucketful of mixed emotions and experiences. Alot of challenges and alot of lessons learned.  It definetly took me a few years to adjust to working in our "lots to be desired"  health system. Ive had to  become more resourceful, lower some of my expectations while raising the bar on what I could do for patients with what was available. A whole lot of embracing rural health and rural people and removing my preconceived/naive " how could they do this to themselves" way of  thinking to understanding why our health is the way it is.

If theres one thing I did not see coming, it was the development of  a passion for rural medicine. Practicing medicine in a rural area has  been one  of the toughest most nerve wracking things I have done but at the same time truly  rewarding . I certainly now appreciate that people who live  in some of the furthest corners of our country are some of the happiest  and healthiest too, and they want to stay in their homes. Their villages, their land...they want to reap and sow the plantations handed down by their forefathers and we all could learn alot from their humility and outlook on life. However it has been my most burdensome grievance, that when these people need something from our health system, that it is often placed so far out of their reach, so many difficulties, challenges, costs, human error and human slackness resulting in negligence and  eventual distrust. One honestly can not blame the people sometimes. I do realise that our health has had advances and things to be celebrated - certainly we have acquired new skills and thus new services over the last 10 years, more technology and more human man power. However our health system still falls flat on some basics. Its like  teaching someone how to speak spanish (or french or latin or whatever) when your english is still poor to begin with ....

I often come across this phenomena in health, that I have to warn people about. It rears its ugly head in various situations and torments the lives of poor patients. I dont think the bearers of this phenomena actually realise the anxeity and grief this causes, and if only one could audit and measure the amount of emotional stress associated with it. This phenomena I call the "call you back " phenomena.

In this day and age of technology, of Microsoft work and excel, of phone text messages, to group chats viber messanger whatsap, to online organisers google calender, cloud, dropbox, trello, etc etc etc. Surely there must be a way our health can be held accountable for the promises it makes its patients. Time and time again I have patients who come in to see me , often very unwell after a ridiculously prolonged period since last seeing a health professional who say "I saw them (specialist/doctor/nurse/ whoever) and they said- sei faakali bla ba bla(some reason person/investigation/team from overseas/test to go overseas/lab reagent to be back in stock/radiology machine to be fixed etc etc)...and they will call me back " and then they wait. They wait and they wait. They wonder how long they are meant to wait and whether their ongoing weightloss is meant to be of concern?. They go back to the hospital but when telling the new face young and freshly rotated Dr there that they had the "call me back phenomena" they are promptly told to go and wait again. That the first issuance of the "call you back " ticket surely means youve made it past round one (which is where the new dr now sees himself/herself) and you need to go wait as youre currently suspended in round two of this phenomena. And surely Drs/health professionals are good people, theyll follow up on their promises.  A year goes by and they are far worse. finally they decide this is ridiculous and come back to see someone else. (me) to be fair, on the odd occasion, people have changed phone numbers/lost their phones. Which isn't unusual in Samoa. Thanks to ridiculous rivalry between the two giant phone companies constantly trying to outdo each other, customers are constantly being lured to come in exchange their sim cards and get a free amount of X credit etc etc etc....annoys the crap out of me because this is what happens. Everything registered to their life with that number, does not cross the minds or cares of the phone company and often the customer is ignorant to the fact that youd need to go change all those registrations (and often wont do anyways) and so...that call back phenomena gets worse.

Anyways. Then, even overseas visiting teams have the same effect . Although they come from health systems which are highly refined and scheduled and manned and held legally accountable ie someone could go to jail should it fail, not a single hair out of place on that head .When they come to our shores, they suffer the same sloppiness. I dont know if they see us do it (issue the call you back cards) and think thats what they should do, or they just dont realise the effect they will have or how much work this action actually entails, and dont realise the slim chances of this even happening,  but we even have visiting teams of specialists who go around and see people, and then lo and behold give them the same phenomena...they tell them things like ...something is wrong, but we/or someone " will call you back" sei lipoki aku le falemai and then they will call you back, they promise.Once their findings are handed back to the Samoan health system, even if its Bob Smith the data entry clerk at office/building 102 miles and miles away from the acutal hospital, who'll just file their forms...surely, theres someone sitting somewhere who will ring these people back when I return to zimbabwe.

My problem is, 1) the hospital landlines cant even call a mobile phone so how are people meant to be called back on their mobiles (ie this leaves the caller with no credit phenomena to ensue) then 2) who is doing the calling? if the actual health care people are operating/working in clinic/ resuscitating people - who sits down and calls everyone up?Although I really hope and root that my fellow brothers are...I often find the patient who did not have this luxury. Unlike other fancy overseas health systems where all specialists and departments in hospital have receptionists and secretaries who are responsible for spending a good amount of their days organising these, in Hamo-land we dont.  3) what are they using to remind themselves to call people up? often the call back phenomena is seen accompanied by 'scribbled my number on a piece of paper' phenomena...surely there must be a more robust system of capturing these lifesaving details and prioritizing /remind the caller? We must all remember that we are only human and our brains are not endless gigs of data...we too will reach a point of maxing up...and surely there is some software we can invest in to do the reminding? some people we can invest in to do the calling?

 I think this terrible phenomena is not solutionless. It really just needs smarter solutions and I really feel it boils down to 2 things -Technology and manpower. Better systems, that are smarter then us, that wont fail or forget or lose details or that piece of paper.   Some sort of technology (and surely you can pick from hundreds of free tools available on the internet/computers) to capture peoples details and plot dates and reminders for follow ups, and a dedicated person ot do the calling. Full stop. In other countries, this is called a secretary (or medical receptionist) or ward clark or personal assistant, and the other is called a computer and a phone.  The two need to go hand in hand and weak points identified. Ie what happens when a follow up date goes by and the person doesnt show? then the human power looking at this must have the dedication and belief in their purpose to ensure the person is hunted down by all other means (thats why you normally should always provide 2 numbers, a next of kin, next contact, your wife husband father mother, faifeaus number along with your own) to ensure the person is indeed located and not left  behind to become one of those " lost to follow up " statistics

Unfortunately, my brothers and sisters in the rural areas suffer most from this glitch in our health system as travelling often to the main hospitals to try to get answers is financially burdensome as well as time costly as well. things they dont have lots to spare. Samoan Fofos are far more accessible and often people will resort to seeking fofos in the interim for prolonged periods , sometimes to their own demise. 

My heart is broken today

This morning I learnt of the passing of the son of a staff member of ours whom we have had for years. This little man was only 4 yrs old. His father has pictures of him on his phone/facebook showing a wide grinned little boy with a spark in his eye. Someone you can just hear people in the village say "o le ulavale ia" referring mostly to his overabundance of energy and knack for life.

2 weeks ago, our staff member  brought this little man to me with his wife. It only took a first glance to see that he was pretty sick, looking very thin, gaunt and breathing very rapidly.   He was admitted to hospital that day and after a prolonged admission finally was deemed better enough  by the drs there at the time to go home. In that time, we had discovered that the little guy had acquired an illness that had caused his heart to swell significantly. I had done a bedside scan on him trying to find answers to our questions  and could tell right away that his condition was quite bad. I refrained from leaping straight into giving him a terrible prognosis as I don't feel I have enough experience to know with his illness, whether he was past the point of no return or whether there was a chance things could be improved. When it comes to kids, my heart is fragile and I only ever want to give good news. The bad news is so enormous when its a little person who hasn't had the chance at  life. Actually I think Im like this with all my patients. Just never rushed to give bad news unless Im sure we have exhausted all possible help, drugs, meds, investigations, expertise.  In this little guys case. His heart was very sick. Meanwhile, we don't have a heart dr to consult on at the hospital, and in particular a paeds heart  dr was who we really needed help from  (or childrens heart dr) so everything was going to be a 3 step process of trying to contact overseas specialist, send them reports/images and await a reply.

We did this. But the replies were not good. My heart always sinks when I get a reply which starts with. "this is very sad" because I feel like this summarises the whole outlook right there. What I didn't expect though was that this kid would go so soon. I had thought he would have more time, at least a year or two of back and forthing to the mainland , to see visiting specialists, even if he were deemed unfit for surgery I thought there would be a palliative pathway he would go down. But no. Literally within 2 weeks of his illness coming to light, his heart gave out and he has taken his last sleep. Im not sure if this was better or worse. I think either way is pretty sad but perhaps more time ?although always the question of quality of life :(

His father rang me to tell me he couldn't work this morning . I asked first if they were being transferred to the main hospital in Upolu  for his sons treatments - knowing he was pretty sick? When he told me what had happened, I could hear him choking back tears in his breadth and so did I . I had to run away to the privacy of our bathroom to escape the morning rush of people in our house and have a little cry . Kids getting ready for school, sitter just arrived,  manager from hotel coming to update tasks of the day, housekeeper from hotel wanting to know how to use her timecard...my heart is breaking just a little bit and I want you all to go away :(

I thought about this kid a lot today. What a gorgeous little man he was. How his parents loved him so. How much my kids mean to me. How terrible it is to see your children suffer. How parents are meant to cope with this. The fairness of it all. Our staff member came over later, and sat at the foot of our door. He looked like he did not have the strength to even breath.  His eyes blood shot from obviously being up all night and for the river of tears he must of shed. His English is not very good, my samoan aint that flash either. The hubby is in Pago for a faa'lavelave. Where are his wise Samoan words when I need him. I'm no good at providing comfort or counselling in Samoan, and I doubt me doing it in English would be very good either. So I stumbled through some "I cant think of anything that will ease the pain you are going through now" (in my broken Samoan ) and some "be strong for your wife and kids, so you can get through the next two weeks" I didn't feel it was enough but all I could muster while trying not to be a ridiculous bag of tears.

Of all  thing things in life I am grateful for. My childrens health is  one of the most important . Despite all the challenges and hardships we face, that is the one hardship I am glad to not have. The pain of suffering and health issues.  Today I will hug my kids a little harder and pray for this families pain.

2019

Ive neglected my blog for a year just about. I looked back at my sad blog site and wondered why. Writing used to be such an outlet, a tool to keep my sanity. From the dark and tiresome hours in Wellington hospital, to the move back home, through kids, and through adjusting to a rural life. It was always my replacement for not being able to go out for a coffee with friends or yarn with a relie;)

I realize that it sort of came to a slow crawl after some worries got  under my skin that people or persons or communities (ie the village or the workplace etc) may actually be reading my blog. Har har. Heres to me thinking I was more popular then I probably actually am :) But in all honesty, I just didn't want to offend anyone with anything I said. One year, I wrote a blog about how terribly under resourced my workplace was and of the things we needed. A great organisation (through a friend who reads my blog) picked up on this and did some amazing gathering of forces and actually brought alot of donated goods across to Savaii. Unfortunately in this process I learnt that officials in my workplace did not receive this charity so graciously, and when had heard of this "much needed list" were out to head hunt the person who dared put it together (apparently making them look bad etc and not doing their jobs etc) It was really deflating to learn of this, to the point where I actually did not participate in the receiving side at our local hospital (which I would've really liked to because I just wanted to be part of the recipients side, expressing the joy and love I felt that someone cared enough to put these things together for us). It also reinforced the frustration I've always felt with working in this public service  where despite that fact that we are so poorly resourced and lacking in many things ....someone in an office somewhere is more consumed by how this plea makes them "look"" ( ie forget the patients right ?)  and used their precious energy to attack something so useful as donating goods to our local hospital. Go figure.

Meanwhile, life goes on without  crying  me a river. Fast forward to 2019. I've now lived in the bush for 11 yrs  and life has been so full of surprises. 2018 brought tears and new beginnings. It started with my 90 yr old grandmother developing a lump in her jaw. Ultimately this led to an operation in NZ, suffering complete paralysis of the right side of her face, eventual decline in her overall health - spread of " cancer" and becoming a palliative patient.

My Supermom and Superaunty becoming her fearsome full time caregivers/nurses/drs/ and me trying to fill in the gaps for palliative care dr as there basically isn't such a thing or a service in Samoa. My grandmother passed away at home surrounded by Mum and Aunty . It was a tough  time for our family as my grandmother had always been such a headstrong person, a leader of her family for many many years after my grandpa died. And always been in pristine health, heck she had a double total hip replacement done after she was 80 much to everyones surprise:)  Her advice and talks were always full of gems for anyone, set with her lifes lessons. Always being able to share 90 yrs of experience - how through determination and perseverance navigated her family through tough times post world war,  both her and my grandfather always holding jobs and having 8 kids to raise, managed to establish their business build their own houses help 8 of their kids succeed and just manage to live a fullfilling and rewarding life, no easy feat for sure.

 There were few times in my life that I could recall ever seeing my grandma weak or sad. Even when she was down with a flu or an infection, getting out and doing her stretches and exercising and making some home made brew or broth using every part of the cow (ie tongue hoof tail etc lol) was always part and parcel of her recovery. When she began to lose her strength to her recently diagnosied cancer , her body only failed while her mind remained a bright as anything. Despite losing control of her body she was certainly still very much in control right up until the end.

Not long after a loved Uncle also went through the same process and it was a double whammy for our family having 2 loved members pass away of cancer. Funerals for some reason are always a contrast of suffrage but also an overwhelming outpouring of love. I cant say one ever looks forward to these events, but I am glad to have seen cousins I havent seen for ages, and spend time with the whole aiga is always nice.

This year, for fear that my brain was turning to mush, I found a really awesome course finally available by distance - Rural and hospital medicine, something I had been eyeing for a while but had always required in the past for people to go and live in nz, not an easy choice for me. So when I discovered they were allowing it to be done by distance I jumped to the opportunity. Albeit with a bit of hair pulling and panic attacks at the start  (ie remembering feeling completely burnt out from studying 14yrs ago hehe) and then realising I was doing it again , but with 2 kids and 2 businesses to run ...hmmmmm...yea anyways. How do women do it ? we just do...its the subconscious auto-pilot switch I swear...thats how lol. Anyways, back to school I think has been the best decision I have made x 100 and as hard and stressful as it is...Im loving it. I just wish I could find some local scholarship to help cover costs but apparently what I am doing doesnt tick any boxes of any government scholarships these days, and there are no sympathetics votes for lonely one man band drs in the bush hehe. Anyways, Im tired of waiting for handouts so am self funding(scrounging)

And then , after 9 yrs , found out I was preggers in November. Weeehhheeewww. The plan had always loosely been to have 3 or 4 kids...and that came to a halt in 2014 when I was diagnosed with some weird eye thing that i had to take a drug which you are forbidden to fall pregnant on (terrible for unborn babies) only came off it a couple of years later and since then, hubby an I have been pointing fingers at each other as to why it was suddenly so hard. Anyways, long story short, hallelujah. I am now in the throws of nausea and lethargy and just hoping it will all dissappear soon jammit. I dont remember ever feeling this yuck in my previous but know they can all be comepletely different. Now, Im looking at other mums with young babies and thinking yay that will be me soon - look at how cute bubba is and then - daaaannngggg, she just said she didnt sleep til 3am this morning and had to wake up with the baby at 6am awwwaaaaaaatt??? Im too old for this hehe!! lol

So moral is enjoy them naps now while I can right ? before its all over lol. So , heres to a hopefully great 2019. Bring on the bubbs bring on the bush and its krazy ways, bring on the books  ! Will try to not neglect this blog again...cause realistically I probably have 2 readers so who really cares? lol

And another

Here is another thing that I cant get over. The number of job applicants  who
- submit all their school certificate  year 13 certificate  which CLEARLY say they failed half their subjects (like seriously, english 28%, maths 32% etc)  and in their cover letter go on about how well they did at school ??????????????????????????????? unfortunately...the one I read today even had a school award (from their own local school) for top in maths for the class....but their SC mark was a big fail hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....not good for the look of the school right ? But where and when does it calculate in their own minds...that a 32% fail is not something to gloat about ? like seriously...it does NOT work in your favour in your job application where staff are expected to do simple maths :(  I would have just left that off my CV and talked about things I am good at in the community/society etc

and  also
-the number of cv cover letters that sound like this 
" I am a friendly and driven person with ambitious goals for the future. I am punctual committed and hard working. I am an honourable and intelligent person, who will ensure that my contribution to the workplace will lift the level....bladibladibla" my point is...oka oka gi big words about what they are...ae gagu mai le kagaka makuia LEILOA....who is to blame? that cousin from overseas who said they would write their cv for them (mate...a nice sounding letter is not a winning ticket...you may think its some sort of 'ticket in' but once the letter and the person are viewed as non symbiotic....makuia igoigo lava le mea lea e kokoe). Also, there are now people 'selling ' CV services in APia and will write your CV for a fee....what a joke when it is not a true representation of this persons attributes:(

faiaku ai foi 

entertainment

It never fails to bewilder me how people can act behind a keyboard , an email or even worse...a facebook page lol. Like seriously this industry...hospitality ...has got a book to be written by each hotel owner or service provider that would make for an interesting read. The number of times people have just had a complete absence of their frontal lobe...oi..I mean manners...its the  industry where these two sayings don't go hand in hand 1) do unto others what yee would like done unto you...and 2) the customer is always right. Like seriously if you performed number 1 ) better...you just might have number 2) done...but when number one is a loud empty can of elegi...ia mate sorry.

the number of people who have sent me emails exactly like this.

"to the manager, so we really want to stay at your place...at (date=peak season ie when everyone else wants to stay there too ) but...that room that you fit 3 wont do because there are 7 of us. We don't want to be separated but we are on a budget and don't want to pay for 2 rooms ..we want this room (insert- most expensive room) but we only want the 1 room ...your website wont let us book for more then 3 persons...so we look forward to the best deal you can give us- we are waiting for your reply ."

I dont know if its the samoan understated automated faa'aloalo in me...but when a whole paragraph like that does not even include a faamolemole...o le kali lea , lea ouke fia ave i ai

mmm...fa laia

Just one of them dayssssssss

When that gout patient is arguing that the best treatment for him should be for me to chop his gout laden finger off and not....test/treat/ prevent/preserve, like seriously getting pissed off and annoyed that Im trying to EXPLAIN how gout comes about and works and why he has 'paku' or tophy over his joints....eh why do I even bother?

Then, people who just LIE through their teeth...ie educated lady, whose husband called while my receptionist and I were moving furniture this morning and put the phone on SPEAKER phone....husband booked an appointment for JUST HER...then she shows up with 2 other people from her village, argues with the receptionist that her husband booked ALL OF them ( and we are now full ) and then comes in to complain to me about my receptionists ears....uhm I HEARD TOO eh...se soiaia le PEPELO....

people rushing me because they have buses to catch....people unloading their freaken 10 yrs of medical problems because...I just only got a chance to come see you...and proceed to show me a deformed and heeled broken elbow, chronic fungal rashes neglected other medical issues that the fofo said “e mafua uma mai ia le ai saimigi maka” ....oi aueeee all I want to do is CRY....by them time uve finished telling me your lifehistory from the moment you were born, when you went to school, when you went to nz  and all the mais that came after ....list of medical problems ..............YOUR CONSULT TIME IS UP .

Then that guy who says he is sick of seeing drs and his medical problem can not be cured not to mention all the tabs you took and dont know names for because they were your sisters or you cant remember what the dr said they were for you just want me to know I SAW THE DR AND TOOK THE TABS>>>THEN SAW ANOTHER DR AND TOOK MORE TABS..and ANADA dr gave me white round tabs AND I TOOK THEM ALL....and ua fiu e igu tabs....IA, it does not help me one bit...that you know nothing of what you took( ie a name)  and why.(ie a diagnosis) ..you KNOW NOTHING JOHN SNOW....im serious :)

omg...what a day. As my holiday draws nearer...i feel like the patients are getting more complicated....and everyone wants me to sort out sh$% other people aren't doing for them...ie I saw him and her and went to Apia ...ae uma faimai le fomai e vili mai...and its been freaken 12 months since then- and Im also frustrated FOR Them but especially since I ALSO LIVE HERE miles away and people also dont respond to my calls or emails....eh ,,...i want to put a sign up to say ONLY EASY PATIENT PROBLEMS PLEASE THE DR IS UNWINDING... next week e alu e holiday ae magaomia ga holiday mai tomorow laga brain:)