Things that have made me go hmmmmm....

As I write this , I am thinking to myself, hmmm...have I gotten over my hangover or not yet?? I can't really tell because I am a tad fuzzy and lightheaded and not really nauseas or migrain-ey...but maybe kicking my ass into gear and getting up this morning really helped:) We went to a small little get together with some good friends in Savaii last night. We almost didnt because we were both so tired from a hell-a busy week but told ourselves- how often do we really do anything in Savaii these days??  But it went on much later then we had oringally planned to let it go on til, and was an hours drive away from home so we got home well into 2am which for these two 30 yr olds who do 90 hour weeks...this was way past our bedtime:)

ANYWAY. So I woke up this morning and its my hospital day and thought- I am going to call in sick.BUT Ive been so slack in the last month and had so many days off my inner goodytwoshoes -always-wanting-to-help-others told me to get out of bed, wash my somos off have a coffee and a panadol and go to work. So I did. an hour into it, the other 2 collegues helping me in ED got called away and I got left doing OPD all by me weeself..me and the masses of grumpy impatient mingled with genuinely sick and dying but mostly all needy masses...just what I need to cure a hangover!

So in the last week- my daughter finished school. She had a prizegiving. She didn't get any prizes but she passed all her subjects- with 36/40 sort of marks:).  She actually sat an exam, actually  3 or 4 exams...with real exam papers with instruction sheets...she passed those...As much as a year 1 student  can. She is halfway there with her reading and can add  and multiply and knows all her shapes and colours. What more can one ask for right? Well, I could not help but feel like a tad of a failure. Seeing alot of relies and freinds FB pics of "first in year 1"...did actually make me look at myself and wonder if perhaps I had not done enough for my kids this year? Didnt spend enough time reading or doing work with them?too much work and not enough family time ? To be completely honest though what I think of more is that  I was a straight A student my entire life. From year 1 up. What I remember about myself is being rather introverted. I had a handful (and only a handful) of friends and did everything the teacher said. I never spoke back nor broke a rule nor perhaps even had a opinion of my own until I was in year 6 maybe?? I dont know  cant really remember , what I do remember is feeling like all my mum ever asked me was "how was school" and "what did you learn" and then we would go through this repetative monotomous routine of "fine"  and "stuff" and I remember thinking I couldnt hold any other sort of conversation with my mum  other then this sort. Then I remember the "do your homework" "you can do better" "listen /ask questions/ask for your books "etc etc like a drill sargent constantly pushing..it was a little suffocating ....

When my daughter started school I said I was not going to do the same. I would not be drilling her to do everything perfectly outstandingly all the time. I would have conversations other then about school and let her enjoy friends and the learning environment- the most important thing was to be wth other kids in a classroom because we have no other cousins  etc where we live while at the same time learning something. And that it was only year 1.....we'd get serious a little later. Now I am wondering if that was all an excuse to be lazy about it? perhaps I should have pushed harder. My daughter I think is surely the complete opposite of me. She is talkative and has a million friends including many of our guests at the hotel who have left. We've been told she is a bit effervescent in class and talks too much and runs outside alot and doesn't always do what the teacher says. Everytime I look at this girl she is giggling or laughing, she always has a sparkle in her eye and ...funnily enough, her hair even glistens coz she has some mean english-blood red/blonde streaks int here (all natural) which makes her look like this child of the earth and sun full of life and love. Im debating with myself now over whether this translates to - comepltely wreckless free willy type child evolving who I should be drill sargent-ing a little bit more...or wether this is fine..she is only in year one for goodness sake.

My siblings and I are a testament I think that success especially in school does not follow any one path. I was always in the top 3 places of classes right throughout my entire primary and secondary. Then went on to do well in uni and graduated and got an ok job. My brother on the other hand struggled in primary, he was always a 'concern' of my parents  and teachers a like in that he was 'behind' the others etc...when he got to secondary, it was like he blossomed. He started exceling in his subjects, went on to land top positions nearing the end of secondary then got a scholarship to NZ graduated on time and now has a pretty awesome job....so I tell myself that each is to his own path but I am sure there is a little more steering I will need to look at. Ok, just stroke your ego that way mmmhmmm:)

All the talk on rape and incest. Thank you Lani for your courageous letter and blog. I for one was in complete agreeance of everything  you said. What baffled me was all the idiots people who did not get that you were being sarcastic- and actually wrote to the paper saying they were insulted that you said to bite hard etc etc....like OMG. Annoyed the heck out of me but this is a real problem that needs real solutions. I can not imagine how many young girls lives are tainted by this sort of behaviour. If it were my choice, it would be a lifetime sentence ...for anyone with any degree of this sort of stuff. lock em up, make em work on maumagas for the rest of their lives  and never let them out. Ive seen these girls at the hospital, the ones who are subsequently left with an unwanted pregnancy, whose families dress them up to bring them to hosp for antenatal checks and will quickly tell you of some loving family that the baby will be given away too...they dont say anything about the uncle you see in the medical report int he file who did this to the 15yr old...and the 15yr old looks like  a walking zombie whos parents are trying to pass off as strawberry shortcake,...or mary poppins..or whose someone very happy and all fluffed up in a dress??thats what they try to do. It breaks my heart.  This makes me go hmmmmmm....

I went to my first Title Faamasinoga this week. If anything it was to learn a little more about where my children should know they came from. I wanted to listen and learn as I hadnt actually heard through any other means of the nitty gritty of our family.. Well I got a lot more then I bargained for because if anything it was bewildering. What Ive seen in the court is it sometimes mimics confession. Some of these people who greet you on the road everyday and share small talk with  who are all nice to your face...then get into the court room and suddenly its all emotions spilling like one sat in a confession booth- except that it is for all to hear!!- that person is faamaualuga and that one is fiapoto- you and you and you...these people are right there! staring at their family or their neighbour they had grown their whole lives up with...and now feel it appropriate to describe such bitterness that was never before seen??? Its Krazy stuff and I hope I will never have to participate as anything other then a keen listener trying to learn something about herself....I take my hat off to those that can stand there and take it with such poise and grace...that is something that surely comes with years of experience and patience.....something I am lacking at the moment!lol-mmmmhmmm

OK thats all for now cause I need to go home and spend time with the kids- til next time
ciao!

a long day at work..

I am pooped. And over the course of the afternoon, have realised that this uncomfortable-ness I have been suffering with, was a brewing urinary tract infection..shoiiiit...just my luck. As it was, I saw a patient with one and really wanted to say "me too!!" to her symptoms...but alas..I am sure that would have just been weird...right.

my rant for the day is-

The trouble with my job, is that sometimes I see people who I don't like. Some people just rub me off the wrong way, have eccentric personalities that I would not necessarily warm up to in a public setting (ie, you would not be my friend..sorry) some people are just plain rude, arrogant , and ignorant that I find myself squirming in my seat trying to hold back all my fiapotz moral teachings I want to slay this person with....instead , I am restrained to a "so what has brought you in now??"...SOME people are truly enemy-title worthy i.e took my parents to court -type enemy(!lol) who continue to bewilder me with even chosing to come see me...eh. Anyways, thats my trouble, my door is open to all and any. I am here to treat and help you get better and it would just be morally unjust for me to decline someone I did not like (even though I REAALLLLY want to sometimes hehe) , unfortunately I can not treat your manners, or your personality. Too bad for you.

The hubby seems to think I should or I could. Ie when someone really unacceptably rude sees me and I tell him about it- he always said "sa kakau ga e fai sa'o i iai" and goes all hype about them but the fact of the matter is- it would not be very nice for someone outside to overhear a verbal catfight in the office would it? Especially having a catfight with someone who is supposedly ill....now that is just not professional..so for professionalisms sake, I keep my peace and hold my tongue. But I always say, if you could hear me speak my mind (like truly and honeslty what I was thinking in my head) for a day  sometoooiiimes..(not all the time) seriously, it'd be pretty shocking.

You may be interested to know that my number 1) type of client...is..without saying names directly, a profession that would be profuse in Savaii. ie, every village has one, or two, or maybe three. They come in all sizes but mostly XL or XXL. You may be insterested to know that there are actually some size L and medium, but they are hard to find. I won't say exactly WHAT profession for fear of being struck down dead by lightening(!) but I am sure you get my drift.

So some of the rip-my-hair-out comments I have had to deal with in the last week with this certain kind of clientelle  are along these lines
"I went to see the specialist in Apia and they said I was all fine, but I'm sure there's something they are hiding from me, I'm sure I should be going overseas to NZ for treatment".....yea ok, why don't you just say you want a free holiday sponsored by Samoas medical budget
" I have no idea why I should have Hypertension and Diabetes, I know I am big but I feel healthy...I just don't get it and don't want to accept it" ok buddy, when you weigh 200kg, these diseases were invited, its called a disease  of lifestyle...just try to cut down the paelo loads of food...and exercise a little....if you start this trend, you are the key to 100 followers going in the same right direction.....

 Today  someone just barged in while I was just seeing someone out the door demanding to be seen cause he was in a rush...there's a sign on the door (which was the direct result of people like him!!) that says PLEASE DO NOT ENTER UNTIL YOUR NAME IS CALLED. This is because I need 5minutes to enter your name (provided to me a minute ago) into my computer and get myself organized maybe take a breather after back to back consults also I might need to nip out for a wee and don't like strangers in my office (which is an extension of my home sometimes) without me being in there....people just don't get it sometimes...apparently, I should work more like a machine/computer and just slug it until the power goes out....

Another earlier questions everything I did...ie "I'm going to start you on this blood pressure pill because your BP is too high, called XXX"- ARE YOU SURE THATS A BLOOD PRESSURE PILL?
then after my explanations BUT I TOOK A PILL BEFORE FOR CHOLESTEROL AND IT SOUNDED SIMILAR< ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?- mate, Im not 5, I went to school got a degree worked for almost 10yrs before opening this office, you with your cholesterol laden eyes and tattood arms looks like you were a paugaka before you did what you do now and could use some of my health attention but if you think you know it all, please...don't waste my tired breadth..I don't mind keeping my suggestions for your health, to myself if they are not wanted...sometimes I don't know why people come at all(!)

Other times, some patients have really shocking backgrounds. Most of the time, it is not necessary to delve too much into what someone does, what they did etc we just need to know whats going on now and what other medical interventions they may have had in the past...but one time, I admitted a guy whos social history was a bit dodgey - could'nt really get a resident  village out of him etc...later on I found out he was a child molester in Apia who the village had banished back to his birth village (here in Savaii) even though he left at 2yrs of age  and doesn't have a house or family  here anyway...put him on the boat and he'd been hanging out at the wharf til a cut on his foot got infected....ae poo le a le mea e le o e ave i le ofisa leo leo ae just banish him to another dont-want-him-here poor island...for goodness sake...pe faavelvalea ea kagaka se..

So anyways, I've had a few days of this particular kind of clientelle day after day and what I have figured is that- it is immensly energy draining to put up with people you don't like , especially when you don't have a choice. Some of these people seem to really like seeing me and they come ALOT. Either they like seeing me or they think if they see me more often they will live longer...?? don't know so maybe what I need to be doing is- be less nice...especially about telling people they have an over-eating problem - who knows, ae ke'i lava le writer lea ua fula le maka mai se sensitive patient!!choohoo....

My "eh" story for the day!

So, for the last 9 yrs of my life, I have always exclaimed I have a love hate relationship with my job:)  My profession or my career as some would say ( I always find that an odd expression for me as I envision "career" as this thing that you are working at , and striving torwards some big aim (i.e to be the boss!) ) whereas for me, in many ways I feel like its just this thing I do, and I try to do well. I am not sure what the big aim is, I guess maybe the aim is for it to serve its purpose in my life and make my some tralla to make me comfortable?...But perhaps I  should have picked a different career path to get to that end point sooner and maybe lived on another island, located in a different part of the world -ANYWAYS. So for me, the last 7 yrs have seen me and the job, evolve to say the least. The work and the lifestyle has been a rollercoaster of on call, no breaks, having kids, part time, full time , overtime, and now - my own time. (or dreaming of it!) lol....

For now, things seem to have evolved to being more in my control with the clinic. I set my hours, I chose my days off...that is kind of cool..except when it doesn't quite workout  that way. Take for instance yesterday. Yesterday the sign on the door says 5PM CLOSED. I have been there since 8am and I am tired. I want to go see my kids, my sitter is waiting to go home, I am hungry because in actual fact I had people to be seen right through lunch and beyond, so now I am hypoglycaemic and grumpy. I stay behind another 30mins to try to catch up on some paperwork. Almost an hour after the office is closed I leave, laptop bag, and an extra kagapepa of books I hope to read in hand weighing like a tonne. As I am walking down the path awwwaay from my clinic. A car rushes up..this car symbolises every other person in Savaii as of late. A couple get out and eyeball me..the conversation is along the lines of "uhm, where are you going? we are here to see you!"..the answer is- oh? really..so sorry the clinic is closed, ga kapugi i le lima, le ua ka le ogo. - reply- total disregard of what I said- hop out of the car and hobble over, husband and wife hand in hand- awaiting me with a look on their face that say "well? open up" I explain again- I am closed now- so now they play for excuses, "oh, really, ok well can you just explain bla and bla...we saw you last week..bla bla bla..e vave ah..bla bla bla"...ok lady, I have like 500 people registered here now and frankly..cant remember what I gave you and what bla and bla was for. In the end, had to open up look for their file to sort their misunderstandings out and then come all the questions about why they are sweating and why they have a headache etcits a consultation by force... all the while,me-  very grumpy, cos the receptionist has completely miffed the filing system I showed her to carry on and can not for the life of me locate this persons file number, and in the end just go commando and try to guess all the things done from last week.

The couple , obviously seeing my disappointment with the hour of their arrival, shove a $10 at me with apologetic nods.. and gestures to 'take'the $10 awaiting some sort of thanks....to be honest, I could not give a flies arse for another $10 now, my sitter is pissed cos she has kids and a family she is late to get to, and by the time I get home everything planned is delayed an hour so I might as well forget about any reading..cranky cranky pants alternate personality coming out is not winning me any brownie points as now I am sure they are gonna go spread how sour I was looking the whole time and how unprofessional I was  ...eh, faiaku a foi.  To make matters worse..the man had a nose that was dripping on my floor, so I offered him a tissue having not seen one on him (which of course he blew his nose profusely on) and after they left I found it, scrunched up on the floor, 2 feet away from a very visible red rubbish bin....r u serious??Last week - it was SAME scenario with another couple except they called my other half and played the Matai card and I was 'obliged' almost to open for them...only to honestly pull my hair out about the nature of their visit (I had thought it was some urgent emergency or something) ae leai, faimai ga fai le kalagoaga ma le lakou aiga, kau ia a'u and they didn't know I had a clinic here, omai ai lea e fai se siaki...ARE YOU FREAKEN SERIOUS! It was open all day but still..the lemafaufau or sorry, grand treatment ..for- who are you again?? laga ua kupu uma kagaka gei aso

This is the mindset of alot of people lateley and  it will stop. Because lord help me but the time for being oncall around the clock for all ye patients for me has freaken ended. That is why I have gone out of me own and ended my time a the 24hour centre called "the hospital".... Sometimes, I don't mind if its a genuine emergency/worry/concern from a patient I am well affiliated with/related too/good friends with ...and people ask nicely...word to remember is -nicely. Because the saying stands true that you treat others like they treat you..and not treat me like I am your servant- Open Se-sa-me type shop..nope not da way it works....whenever you want, whenever you please.

Don't get me wrong, its not that I am uncaring and unkind, its because I have a family and I have a life. And I only have 2 arms and 2 legs and I have to decide how much I can constantly be giving out, when I am being given (whether by choice or by force) constantly to patients patients patients...something else misses out and more often then not its my family. I've already lost some of the most important family in my life and regret deeply some extra time that was spent on the job just prior...so now its called priorities.  Unfortunately sometimes drawing those lines and those boundaries can feel like a slap in the face to others, but honestly, there are other choices for places to go, and those places and set up to receive round the clock calls. 

Anyways- take home message for me is- get a back door so I can run away without being spotted and stopped:)


ok, rant and rave for the day...now I need to go take a chill pill ke'i ua stoke se faiai a seisi!!

one day Visa

So I got a one day visa to visit the mainland last Friday. An unavoidable fono I had committed myself too and some empty shelves dying for stock in my clinic meant that I had to go. And leave the kids and hubby behind much to their dismay! 

So, in the usual Savaii style manner, my Friday was the expected  panic stricken crazy hectic rushed sorta Friday.  Down to literally 10 minutes before the boat was due to depart, I am still in Lalomalava trying in my most polite and non rude way to break a conversation between the hubby (who was meant to drive me to wharf) and some diginitories..... Sat in the boat and realised had not organised a ride into town and debated whether I would dare try a bus (after all the commition lately with buses and accidents, and an already sceptic views of drivers anyway..this was sort of not really even an option!) Luckily, I found a seat in a hospital car (yay) and made it safely home.
Had to rush off to my meeting at a hotel in town only to arrive any hour early...( I thought it was at 5...but no, it was at 6) which meant I got to go and kill time at Amanaki (!yay) Which meant I got to enjoy a cold beverage some Poke and limu yum!!

Literally 24hours later from that moment, I am back in Savaii and I look back at the 24hours passed and it cracks me up what a contrast of lifestyles I just blitzed through!

One moment, I'm haggling vendors for cheaper fruit and the Salelologa market, debating with salu lima makers over the prices of salus going up when the number of kuagius in the broom are going down  and scouring for Limu that I used to hate, and now I love!. Not to mention, chipped in my senes for the collection of da mafutaga o tina for whatever it is we are fundraising for (financial member only!) lol...then next I am sat in an air-conditioned bar which has been sealed off for our conference, we are being served wine and cheese with a room full of highly educated and motivated personal and of course my current lifestyle in the bush is even discussed as a topic!lol... fly forward to the next day and I'm rushing around Apia town trying to get all my shopping for da big island done. And the only vehicle available to use is my little brother's homey G done up skyline.

 Now let me explain this car to you. All my shopping to my disgust, has to be squeezed into the passenger seat because although the car has a sizeable boot, 95% of this space is occupied with a speaker. The very high tech sound system that compliments that has a list of MP3 music which I do not recognize (techno?RnB? I can barely make out the words being sung all you hear are base and treble tweaks the whole time! is this what the youth of today are into!! I feel very old...) The drivers seat is purposefully about a foot lower then a normal car should have, so that I feel like I am sitting on the floor , honestly with my legs lying flat on the ground (without a bend in the knee) to reach the peddles.Its awkward, who drives like that?? The car itself is only about half a foot off the ground so I feel like I am literally sitting on the road, Im sure it was higher then that when I first saw it, but I think lowering your car until you hit all the speed bumps you go over in town is the in thing now !lol

 Only about half my head can be seen outside my side window which means alot of people I dont know wave at me, I think my brother and I share the same shaped forehead so I do him a favour and wave back enthusiastically to all wavers which I know would be strange as my brother is more of a furrowed hermit!  The music when only on volume 2, is shaking the vehicle. I can not tell whether this deafness by the minute is a result of the music or the muffler which can still be heard when the music is switched off!! I can not help but feel like everyone is staring at me and its a tad amusing but mostly embarrassing and Im just glad I can not be recognised! .Coz I am really not this homey-G-ish! lol! And in my rush to get home when I realise I really needed to be halfway to the wharf, I cringe the whole way because the muffler explodes (not in a broken way, but in a purposefully amplified way!) and now the whole damned town and oncoming traffic is staring at me!! errhhh

Such a contrast to the horseback riding in the bush! (not!)  but you get what I mean. It was nice, the change of scenary, change of people. change of ware...makes me appreciate the little things in life all the more.

So anyways, back now in Savaii ....back to the grind back to da bush. Until my next visa
ciao