Letters to my mum

 Dearest mum,

It has been a month exactly today since you left us, and it has still not yet quite sunk in. In the enormity and finality of it all unless I allow my brain to think hard about it...in a silent moment. That is when it hits me like a ton of bricks...I have been ignorant and enjoyed staying at your house in new lynn. With pop around, and people popping in and out. You are here, you are everywhere. Everywhere I look, everything I do...I hear your voice, continuing to instruct, guide, comment. Our whole lives you had been there directing us even when we didnt know it. Much to our ignorance...fair to say I had many moments of naivity, faalii..feeling like you constantly helicoptered us...'grown adults'...and yet I know for a fact I will probably be the same with my kids until the day I die. When we think about all the pearls you gave us, of wisdom, love, advice, material things and non material things...amazing hardly sums it up, what you did for us.

Your  voice is still fresh in my mind...our last few conversations, your last big batch of baking...seeing the sparkle in your eye when all the grandkids were around...that was when you where your happiest and at your best. Cooking feeding playing  nurturing. You always had so much to give, i feel like Ive been so selfish cause I dont think I have been as giving as you...

Its so hard to know how to act or react when people speak about you. They want to express their sorrow and their grief over the void you left in their lives, incomparable to ours...and yet I feel obliged to somehow console and lift their spirits....sometimes I dont know how, sometimes its overwhelming. 

Poor Adolf, is lost without you. We are trying to support him...keep him busy and keep his surrounds busy. But I know he suffers when he closes his bedroom door at night...and lays alone on your bed. Even though you are there with him, he is lost. My heart breaks for him. 

We will be making our way home to Samoa soon. And I know there will be a hard road ahead to walk down. One without you. The family home empty. There will be cobwebs now on the ceiling that dont have you to fuss over  and clean. People who will be missing your effervescent drop ins and smiles. Everyone says we all have a bit of you in us, but we will never be able to replace you in the voids you have left behind. How easy it was to make excuses to travel to Apia when you were there at Lotopa. Youd whisk the kids in your arms and chase us away. I always knew everything would be fine if I was late from a function or got caught up in town with our shopping. You'd always have everything under control...kids fed bathed slept spoilt....something I never took for granted and now will miss so much. Thinking of my children missing out on your being there...on their milestones in school in life...is just so unfair. Especially my darling Pele who had grown so fond of you and you of her. She still thinks you are at the hospital and when Adolf grabs the car keys sometimes she pipes up and asks if he is "visiting Nana at the hospital"....

I know there is nothing that will make this any easier apart from time to accept it all. But know that we love you very much and will always keep you close in our hearts and minds , in all that we do and experience. xoxo

HUMP MONTH

Its Friday  and it feels like hump day for some reason. Actually its been hump week , hump month, hump quater of the year infact! Post elections has just been an uphill climb and theres no easy ride down in sight anytime soon. In fact it feels like we are climbing Mt Everest except its all at night and theres a storm around us. Humppphhhhh!!

I cant begin to describe the feeling.It feels like theres  a grey cloud looming everywhere you go . A sad or nasty feeling that you just cant shake off.  I guess, you could look out the window and for a moment and forget as  all is peaceful. People are going about their normal lives. Well , at least in Savaii they are. There does "appear"  to be some normality to our lives. Until people interact. You know, the usual "Hi how you been hows your family ? business? " is now all replaced with  who you voted for and your thoughts on current progress of it all ....its a painful conversation that I would rather avoid. I dont feel the need to share my reasons for who I voted for with anyon nor comment on the current outcomes painful as they are.  I dont feel like I need to be so convinced in my beliefs that I should actively be trying to dissuade others from their beliefs (unless of course someone tries to convince me of  lie they believe in!) . Yes I get that people are vested in their "side"  but it can so quickly become a heated debate that I'm not prepared on the run to be having with everyone.

 At the end of the day, I voted for who I believe in . And sometimes that means who I know enough about and have trust in. Maybe I know nothing about the other party and so I dont have any reason to give them my vote. Such is life. I dont think they are bad people or undeserving of the race, I dont think they are pure evil and feel the need to be in the boxing match with everyone. And mostly, I dont feel like as a human being we should start discriminating ourselves by who and why we voted for. Thats why the box is supposedly anonymous and private. Because it is meant to just be a private occasion for you to privately put your 2 cents in, without the need to parade this choice out to the world.  Otherwise it would have been a snapshot of your photo/face with a card with their names on it for the world to see and their entertainment  like  the reality show survivor.

Unfortunately, social media has given humans a medium to suddenly become overnight vocal warriors, and keyboard DEMONS, parading their support and reasons and blasting the non supporters to the extent that it is now an ugly war of words everywhere you look. Im over it. Infact, if someone were to say tomorrow to rid Samoa of FB I would put my hand up and say please. Because, my life seems peaceful, until I look at FB...then the bombardment of negativety, unrest and disgust coming through this little outlet is just shocking. It has revealed the ugly truth about alot of our Samoan brothers and sisters. Here and afar. And watching how names are thrown around and insults are hurdled at people who have worked hard for our country is just sad to say the least. 

Its a sad day when our Samoan community who are usually proud and boastful about our culture and faa'aloalo...have become so hurtful, inconsiderate and disrespectful . I guess this is progress and development. People want their voices and opinions heard (never mind how inaccurate) and each to his own right. I think success in that arena still relies heavily on progress going hand in hand with education. Educate your mind to civilise  your tongue. And not just vomit out words and think it will go by unnoticed because mate...it is noticed. If you ever wanted to spread propoganda  in Samoa like " the PM is the 4th richest person in the world!" (OH MY LORD!!!) please...do it online in Samoa with facebook and village news because it will burn its tracks within hours. 

 Suddenly, I feel like everyone is looking at each other sideways. He voted there she voted here and its like we are different species. Let us be civil and respectful and remember that we are all humans created by the man above in his image. Ive sat by and watched communities become divided, churches become divided and even couples !!!And it just makes me want to cry. Then theres this whole " Samoans overseas and Samoans in Samoa" eh...Im over that as well.  I feel a little insulted that there is belief outside of Samoa that people here at home dont know how to make choices for themselves. Its a misconception Ive found myself correcting even amongst my own relatives overseas whom after a lengthy debate/enlightenment on the reality of how things work back home, is always followed with a " Ooooohhh, wow , well we did'nt know that ....we understand now " but, I guess the number of misled outweigh the number of citizens living at home soooooo......we continue to be bamboozled with rubbish rumors and opinions from afar (this is of course generalising and doesnt apply to EVERYONE overseas of course fanks much to my loving family and friends ! )

I want Samoa to develop so I know elections and governments are important, but surely we the people must be able to handle this better. 

Ia, full stop. I want to go to sleep and wake up next year when its all over.In other news....

there is a Potato and fries shortage in Samoa. Ahliki wholesale have begun rationing and we are only allowed to be 1 box fries/potatoes at a time. What does this mean ? for all your fish n chip lovers, please dont be haters when our menu becomes Fish n ulu fries ..or taro fries or eggplant (all things Id much rather have but anyways) yes...if you are living overseas and feel the need to help your family. Maybe send some potatoes our way

fanks .

January 2021

Like Angina,

I find it hard to breathe...

thinking of whats to come...

the loves I have to leave.

 

Paua shells and pohutakawas

...cafes and malls

if home is where the heart is...

Why cant I have it all?

 

the daughter I cry over..

growing up way to fast.

my chest is tight.

how long will this last.

 

Quarantine

Isolation

4^th time round

for the good of the nation.

 

Baby Pele,

she grew up behind the glass

smiling at strangers...

behind shields and masks...

 

Hospitals, healthcare

investigations and diagnosis

Not available in the islands,

poor prognosis

 

Like anxiety, my chest hurts

my heart thuds like its trying to escape

Trying to think of right from wrong

the decisions we have to make.

 

Covid, pandemic

new and virulent strain

sacrifice and scanning in

hopefully not all in vein...

 

my daughters eyes

 they are so big

I see the fear in them

I want to curl her into my arms,

and tell her she'll never have to leave them

 

but life's been good, at never giving me

a straight path to choose

 its always been a windy one

something always has to lose

 

God protect them,

please be at our sides

I don't know how else we will

survive ....

 

my heart beats

I will leave you

I will be oceans away

and in that time we must be strong

we will see each other again ,

one day

 

My home for 14 days

That 1 month of my life.



For unfortunate reasons, I found myself having to make arrangements to travel to NZ smack in the middle of the Covid Pandemic. Being a dual citizen this was possible thank goodness but so surreal the whole experience. I couldn’t help feeling like an actor in a Netflix series of the new world where germs and viruses dictate the way we live…I still cant shake that feeling off yet and worry that there may be some truth in that. So, needing to travel to NZ urgently, the hubby I made the difficult decision for me to go and take our infant daughter. He would stay behind with the older two still in school.



Packing for the  trip. How stressful. Knowing we were going into mandatory isolation we were told, bring everything you need for 2 weeks. For a baby that means  diapers rash cream, baby Panadol and baby food for 2 weeks! I wanted to ask if we could have a package dropped off or online shopping but there wasn’t really anyone to ask . We took what we could. Leaving Samoa the airport staff and experience was pleasant. The ladies at checkin however took my pram off me despite me asking to keep in inflight as usually the planes from samoa park a loooooonnnggg way away from baggage (why is that?) and I didn’t want to have to carry heavy baby and 2 bags the whole way. “don’t worry” they assured me. “we’ll make sure its outside the gate when you disembark the plane” we always do that they said.



Arrive on the other side. No pram in sight. Disembarking the plane takes an hour as we have to be offloaded in small groups of 5. Everyone is a walking virus until proven otherwise. Even though samoa has no covid. Im frantically trying to hold baby grab my backpack and my bags…and trying to ask an airhostess or person outside about my pram. NO-ONE-CARES….usher me along, don’t know anything about a pram, pick it up at luggage surely. F*@!K. exactly whaa worried about. No one tries to help with my juggling act. I must be conora saturated lol. Anyways, get to baggage HUFFING AND PUFFING> the whole getting out from there was pretty painful just cos I had a baby in tow and the whole hands off thing with this pandemic meant that I was kind of on my own. The aiport is ghost town. We are ushered into a bus, It feels surreal to be ushered into a bus not knowing where we are going. Thankfully its only down the road to sudima hotel (literally 10minutes from hotel ) getting off the bus however is more painful then getting of the plane. Each person has to be offloaded infdividually and an official moh person has to run through all the rules one by one. OMG I can think of so many ways to do that better but I guess it makes sure no one can play dumb after. Far out. We landed at like 7 I think and don’t get into room until after midnight ☹



The next 14 days are summarised by

-too much food

-baby safing a room

-watching sunsets

Watching sunrises

Watching the DHL and postie trucks go by (a lot of trucks go by, we must be in some industrial area)

Watching people in the smoko area of the carpark

Watching that ?tongan family do Tabata everyday

Watching people try to burn off energy going round and round in the carpark

Going round and round in the carpark ourselves

Watching security watch us…

-not allowed to sit in lobby everything is hazard taped off (bar restaurant pool gym etc) basically you must move through the lobby but don’t stop (less you drop off or pick up a germ I guess) there is a small carpark with 3 trees you are allowed to go walk around in. its fenced with security everywhere. There are army people wondering in and out from time to time kinda intimidating but they are nice eye candy so its ok.

We get to register to go for a walk down to a park. I go with baby. By park it was just some grass behind a big shed but no swings or slides or anything I thought might be nice for baby. I sit under a tree and we eat yogurt until some teenagers have done with their game of rugby and we all walk back to the hotel in line formation.

My saving grace is being able to order coffee to the room (barrista coffee) yay.

Baby has fallen so many times in the room. Thank god its carpet but, she has bumped her head (big eggish lump) split her lip (tub in bathroom) and bit her tongue (OMG if cyfs were around lord forbid they take her off me!!) Ive moved all the beds to cover any edges from tables and chairs but it’s a small space for the little one to wonder. Shes only just started standing in the last few days so her exploring skills are on the rise. It breaks her dads heart to hear and see her little steps and advances when we call on messanger. Everyday she  seems to learn something new. I till can't believe the year we are in.



We are allowed to order online shopping so I go a bit crazy with fresh.co.nz groceries. I end up taking 90% of the stuff out with me when I leave cos we didn’t really need rice crackers and extra tea coffee milk powder/cereal /twisties/chocolates etc….!



Despite free wifi I don’t really do much Netflix or movie watching. Its hard to look away when theres a baby around. The 2 naps she has (or 3) I use trying to catch up with emails and check on things back home. Never enough time.

We are allowed washing twice a week. Despite it being included (free) we get the bill in the bag when clothes are returned  I guess so to feel lucky that we don't have to pay ? (thankyou NZ  government pays) WOW $143 NZD for what I would consider half a load. Gosh they mustve had some goddesses of Rome handwash my knickers !!



D-day comes and we couldn’t be more eager to GET OUT OF THERE. Some formalities though.. wait for nurse…fill out form…take to designated official at reception. There isn’t a special person at reception when I leave…see a nurse getting into elevator- “ask reception” see reception – hmm, give it to guard…see guard---uhm leave it at reception. OK guys, seems checkin you’ve got down but check out ?? different story ANYWAY…hip hip horray- poppa has come to get us. THANKYOU LORD for keeping us healthy and sane . no corona virus here faafetai  looking forward to seeing mum and having our first KFC!

saying goodbye to dad at airport.

He doesnt want to let go 

Carpark shenanigans

our room 

We need new toys..empty bottles wont do!

the one tree at the "park" 

She doesnt like socks

She learnt to stand in Sudima!

Too much shopping we didnt need

HI POPPA

HI NANA

WE OUT YAY!