babies

Yesterday was a terrible day at work. I came home, feeling numb, my legs somehow seemed to drag behind me and I felt like a zombie. I couldn't’t really think straight, was not sure if i was angry or sad or in shock. The first thing I Did was pick up my baby and hug and kiss her like I had not held her for days even though I had only been away for 4 hours.

Yesterday I left the ward earlier then normal to help out in the ED/Outpatient, and a catastrophe landed on our doorstep. A lifeless infant was rushed in and immediately all hands were on deck. For what seemed like forever we tried to revive this infant,when it arrived, although it had no heart beat or breath sounds, it was still warm, so in my mind, whatever had happened , had happened in the last few minutes which gave me a glimpse of hope.We tried everything we could, EVERYTHING and more. I stood at the head of the resus bed and ventilated and gave orders, get this draw up that...like a rush of adrenaline I was determined that we could save this child. But the statistics are, that 95% of all babies rushed into hospital in a life threatening state or without vitals, are met with death. We can save only 5% of them. I tried, we tried so hard. I did things I had only read about and not even seen done because all else had failed. And still, the gloomy hands of a terrible fate set in and took this child from us. I was annoyed by the pace of everyones movements, in these situations every second counts, but looking back, everyone was rushing around, it just seemed like every second was a minute, and every minute was an hour. An hour of trying, all the while frantic parents, a frantic mother, wailing around us, asking what was happening, distressed. Towards the end, when I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I started crying, I hit myself because I had tried for so long not to. Big useless sook. I blame it on the post pregnancy hormones if there is such a thing. Ever since having a child, all kids are now precious and personal to me.

I couldn't answer the parents wails over what was happening, but when i started crying- not the wailing type cry but a silent tear dropping cry, in the middle of still ventilating they knew what was coming. And my heart broke. Nothing i could say could ease this moment for them. So I stayed silent. It IS so unfair, a parent should NEVER have to see their child die. How does the mind body and SOUL recover from something like this?? I think a small part of you never does.

We still don’t really know what happened, we think it was SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) look it up if you have children, this is the sole reason my daughter has a flat head! And i wouldn’t have it any other way. People don’t know much about it here, but the word needs to get out because its universal. I try to tell mothers of young babys about it, sleep babys on their backs at least til they are 6 months etc. But the information needs to get out there beyond the confines of the outpatient visiting room. Something Im going to work on. Get a pamphlet out there or something, hopefully people read it.
Ok, soifua

Im back

From at 2.5 week holiday to auzzie/aukalani. quick trip to take adria to meet her pops (my dad ) in Auzzie, all up auzzie was hot, big but ok. Aukilani was cold, familiar and had too much easily available junk food for my liking!! Im sure as with everyone else, you never have enough $$ to do ALL the shopping that you WANT to do, and had to change our tickets so we could spend extra time with family (not that the 90% of our time that we spent with them was too little!! he he) even still, we still did not manage to meet up with lots more friends and relatives (sorry if you are one of them!! we thought about you!!)



SOOOOOOO, Im back at work. At the hospital, at the hotel...its full on- hosp is same crap different day, challenges me every moment im there. Hotel has been busy with groups of particular organisations and government departments, its amazing how much these guys spend (considering its tax payers money) on food/drinks/bar tabs. Like, the drivers order extra takeaway meals and run up bar tabs, its AMAZING (or is it lack of organisation/control by whoever is organising these trips) working in this industry is a real eye opener for me- seeing how other public servants get to spree. Sometimes i think perhaps, they work hard and only go on a trip like this once in a lifetime so are going all out, but then again these are the same faces that came last year...and the year before, and Im sure we are not the only resort theyve been too.It eggs me cos im a public servant (work for government) and my job has NO perks (apart from the 'satisfaction I get from helping people' yea ok, try to buy a car with that. And i mean no perks, not even a hot water kettle in sight to make a cup of coffee if I really needed one (our staff BORROW kettles from our patients- which I think is BS and keep telling them not to do it- esp the patients who need boiled water like formula fed babies etc)



SO i read a friends blog recently, spelling out her days work, which involved long lunch breaks and hours sitting at a desk trying to think of things to do, and I hear my other pals talk about similar settings at their jobs, and it makes me really wish my job were a little bit easier.



Today, I- saw a woman with metastatic cancer of unknown origin (all that means is we dont know where it started, but shes pretty much doomed cos its everywhere and we cant cut her lungs heart and brain out) who 1) presented once last year with a cough and a funny shadow in xray then was never seen again.2) presented after a year of a a tumour the size of a rugby ball growing out of her left back & failed samoan fofo, after much investigation bar one more to go, had to give her the bad news that it doesnt look good- sux to be me, I was sympathetic as she is young (40s) but so damned irritated by the fact that she sought fofo for so long- i mean, its partly the fofos fault now cause it has delayed her seeking medical advice from us, but no point now in telling them that. its like saying- "its your fault now youre gonna die so there" isnt it?

then, saw an 'angry' asthmatic...yes, angry that shes in hosp again, doesnt want to take her inhalers cause they give her a bad taste on her tongue (thats sometimes what happens when you have poor technique and swallow the powder instead of inhale it) tried to tell her this all while she was looking at me like i was a complete idiot, and then a long whinge about wanting a tablet to 'cure' it (we are not magicians with magic potions you know) and asked if she could see the surgeons to have an 'operation to fix it' - uhm sorry- no can do!-tried to politely explain all this, amindst lots of 'eh!' and "se!" and head shaking, so after a while got a bit fed up and told her off, i mean shes a 40 yr old woman with asthma her whole life, started in NZ- admitted to hospital often there and even got special 1 on 1 education on athma and how to use inhalers...and now shes throwing a hissy fit all becoz she stopped taking her meds and consquently got an attack...eh! thats all i have to say...if you cant help yourself dont think im going to find a way to make it easier for ya!



then, tried to ring apia to arrange a test for a patient of mines- this is how doing this pans out- ring our operator- transfer me to apia..wait-5 mins music , apia operator, can you get me the surgical doctor on call , UHM WE DONT KNOW WHO IT IS... dont you have a roster/list...YES BUT ITS GONE...gone?? GONE LOST NOTHING....ok well can you TF (transfer) to surgery ward please....wait, 5mins music, surg ward, HALO? hi can i speak to the surgical doctor on call...E , KA'ILO FOI PO'O AI....arent you meant to have a list?...E, KA'ILO FO'I PO'O AI UA AVE'ESEA FO'I LE LISI MAI LE LAUPAPA.. ok well can i speak to any of th docs?...E LE'AI MA GISI O I... do you know where they are??...PEI A O LAE O I LE OUTPATIENT...whats the extension for there??...E, KA'ILO, KALI MAI LE LA KOE TRANSFER OE I LE OPERATOR.....then she hung up on me..dooooo dooooo dooooo ringing in my ears

start all over again, cept go thru to outpatient...can i speak to one of the surgical docs....GA O LE ON CALL LE I BUT O LAE PISI.....is he with a patient....UHMM..LAE I KOKOGU LE POKU SA VAAI LAGA MA'I KAILO PO'O KUSI AGA NOTES...well can you ask if he has a moment im calling from savaii...wait ten minutes...HALO???O AI LEA...im calling from savaii, iw as waiting for someone to ask for the surgical doc for me...E , POO AI FOI UA ALU MA KI'A'I LE KALEFONI MA LOU REQUEST!KALI MAI.....wait another 5 minuets...WUI, E , UA LEAI SEISI O IAI...do you know where he would have gone?PEI A LAE ALU I LE THEATRE....whts their extension...E, KA'ILO KALI MAI SE'I TRANSFER OE I LE OPERATOR...then, she hung up on me...doooo doooo doooo ringin in my ear

ring thru to theatre..Halo? HALO...Can i speak to one of the surgical docs...OI , VAAI , VILI LE EXTENSION LEA %&* O LAE GOFO MAI LAKOU KALA ANE O LE KELFONI GA... ring that number, it rings twice, someone pics up and hangs up right away, try again, same things, ring old number back HALO, that number istn working, keeps hanging up..WUI AI FO'II O LE VAEGA GA O LE FIA KALIA SE KELEFONI! HA HA HA...Can you walk over and tell them IM CALLING FROM SAVAII AND HAVE SPENT 45MINUTES BEING TRANSFERED EVERYWHERE JUST TO TALK TO THEM TO DISCUSS A PATIENT...!!!...Wui, kalofae, ia , kali mai le ole a ou alu e fai ai ae fai e omai i i , i lou kelefoni....Thanks...he hung up on me..dooo dooo doooo

it took me an hour to try to get thru and ths is for 1 patient, and there were 3 more that needed 'dsicussion' with apia,grrrr.the system is so flawed its pathetic...such a waste of time all this running around with people who dont know where people are or how to transfer calls or how to get ahold of people its ridiculous, what if it was a real emergency that i needed specialist advice one??ia, survival loa of the fittest!!

eh, all this komumuing is giving me a headache, so out of all of that what i really want, is for someome to train whoever has to work with a phone that makes transfers how to TRANSFER a call and not hang up pon ya! soooo annoying!
ia, dats all fa laia!

work ramblings

Only read thee following if you want to hear the Samoan version of ER. Tee hee!

About once or twice a year, our little hospital with its very few staff and even fewer supporting services gets a big MVA thrown at us (motor vehicle accident). Always, it is tragic, and always there is a dramatic story behind it. None of the typical drunken driver cases.
Last year a young priest and his wife flew to the hospital at lightening speed because he wife had gone into labour very quickly. Unfortunately before they made it to the hospital they crashed, likely due to a small misjudgement of handling a very fast car which was driven by panic of course. The husband died instantly. The wife was in critical condition, was stabilised at our hospital and spent the next few weeks in intensive care in Apia. Her baby (still unborn) was found to have died inside her, and when she awoke from a coma, had to be told that she had lost both her husband and her unborn child. That is a sentence I would never wish upon even my worst enemy. I can not imagine how she manages to still breath and hold her head up today, if it were me i;m sure I would shoot myself, because that’s how weak I am…

Yesterday not far from our hospital, a pedestrian was struck by a vehicle belonging to the local po-pos (you know AKA upholders of law and justice?). Now this is something that really eggs me , because I drive past their headquarters to work everyday and ALWAYS I encounter the po-pos either flying at way too far above the speed limit or bloody driving at 2mph and being who they are, 20 cars behind them therefore feel obliged NOT to overtake…talk about funeral procession. The pedestrian was struck with such a force that he was thrown off his feet, some distance from where the accident occurred. LUCKILY, that distance was only a skip and a hop away from the hospital, so he landed on our front door FAST. UNFORTUNATELY he suffered multiple serious injuries, multiple broken bones, lacerations a punctured lung and internal bleeding. He was rushed to the main hospital and we are praying he makes it. Now, continuing on the po-pos that egg me, shame on them big time. Upholders of the law except there is absolutely NO leading by example. They can’t even stick to the laws themselves, then they go a commit the crimes. These are the po-pos I have grown up with and always known. Never have I ever felt safe, protected or even sure in the sense that if I did something RIGHT they would verify that. Some specific examples that colour my opinions of them are

- My brother drove down the main beach road in Apia one day when a cop who stood right across from the fire station flagged him down. Yes, he stood right where those no parking yellow lines are painted all over a 10 square metre portion of the road in front of the building is. So my brother diligently drove past the lines and then pulled over. So the po-po had to walk a whole 2 meters and 30 cm to get to him, which by the time he did, made him possessed with such rage which manifested as the following – popo “WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU STOP WHEN I SAID STOP” my bro “oh, I was just trying to get past the no parking area” popo “HOW DARE YOU ANSWER ME BACK YOU LITTLE SMART ASS, IF I SAY STOP WHERE EVER IT IS YOU BLOODY WELL STOP RIGHT AWAY AND DON’T THINK YOU CAN JUST DRIVE OFF YOU LITTLE *&%$!” all in samoan of course, no attempts by my brother to defend himself were met with any form of understanding. And he didnt even stop him for any reason in particular, just a random BS registration and licence check. So the lessen he learnt was, cops are always right, you’re always wrong, if they tell you to do something, even if its against the law (of the road) just do it…cos otherwise you’re a smartass little shit.

- Another time, myself the hubby and 2 week old baby were struck in our car from behind by a large concrete truck. The initial popos were thorough, reasonable and sympathetic. They quickly deduced by the skid marks on the road, the bystanders who saw the accident and the way the car received dents, that it was the trucks fault, and they told him so in front of us much to our relief, because it was infact his fault. When we got to the station to put our reports down in paper, another older more senior cop shows up…he laughs at the truck driver and mumbles something along the lines of “not you again” and smiles at him, then looks at our car, the truck, talks to the driver, and then comes and tells us infact, we can not press charges cos its our fault too blab la bla..i cant even remember what the BS reason was cause I was in so much shock, and the initial investigating cops could only sit there and say sorry , that they have to take what he says cause he was more senior then them, and that was that. The truck sustained no damage, we were left we a hefty bill and a shaken belief that the popos are their to help, they are not. one could say we should take them to court (the truck the po-pos) but we live on another island, we both have Jobs, a a young family, hardly spend any time in APia, it is just not feasable..


Now getting back to our pedestrian now struggling for his life in intensive care. The popos had the nerve to come snooping round the hospital after the patient had left to see if he was actually drunk as they had perceived. HE WAS NOT. He was a well dressed young man, walking somewhere to do something meaningful to him, on a Wednesday afternoon when he became the victim of a terrible tragedy. SHAME ON THE PO_POS for trying to fret around looking for excuses to cover up their shady existence.

I just thought, you should all know this. I know there are some goodies out there, some good friends of mines are po-pos themselves, but the crap ones just ruin the whole force its a damned shame.

tired..

Its a new year, and for a moment on the 31st of December I tried to work out some resolutions. eat better, exercise, spend more time with bubba, and hubba, figure out what the hell I want to do with my life...kinda big resolutions huh, recycled ones too. But now well into January...I still don't know how to go about tackling some of those big questions in my life.

I recently read a friends blog, where she asks- why are we here?(in Samoa- Apia to be specific) where are we going? and questions along those lines, you know, those long philosophical ones that can only have long philosophical answers. I'm tired of asking the same questions every year...truth is. I don't want to work anymore, but i feel so gut wrenchingly obliged to do so, and so overwhelming bad when i dont, that its a vicious cycle, when i dont work, i have this annoying cloud hanging over my head raining the same moral melancholic song on me- not enough people there, and you're sitting at home with your legs up (but i can not remember the last time i sat down with my legs up...its my life, am i not entitled to chose??) when i do, i grow so frustrated of it at times i feel like tearing my hair out and biting my limbs off, that's how crazy i get.Can not be healthy for me.

My husband says "alu fua study ga mea'' in a joking way, as if i brought it all on myself (I did- I just didn't know it) when he says that (even if it is in a joking way) to me, even he feels I should be there, at work, even if its for peanuts and the pay is late and is giving me a splitting headache and high blood pressure. But I do 'like' my job, i think in a better environment , I would even love it. But loving it over here, in Savaii...is oh so many decades away, for I know that the changes needed there, are many and the pace of change here is slower then that of a snails'...People are so damned reluctant to change.."this is the way its been for years, and its fine'' is what they all think but don't say.

You just have to look at peoples faces, when you are making suggestions with excitement on how to improve things, its like, one eyebrow raised, eyes still fixed on that piece of paper they were reading before, its like they hear you but don't want to hear you, but you know that's what they are thinking. Its like in order to change, someone who sits on their big behind all day scribbling on paper (yes, I acknowledge it may be ALOT of paper) in an aircon office, has to get up and do a bit of running around. Oh lord have mercy.Its as if I had just asked someone to go run a Marathon or something (might actually do them some good, change from sitting in the office growing sideways all year....) so my suggestions often fall on deaf ears.

So what am I going to do?am I going to give up...and just be a stay at home mum? bar the bakery on the side and the waitressing in the restaurant with the hubba (sounds like true bliss to me, no huge worrying decisions to make regarding peoples lives!!)eh, I dunno..maybe. Gonna give a few more tactics of change a go...see what happens.Read an article in the observer today by a disgruntled patient...never easy to hear the criticism but it was all true and I take off my hat to them for voicing their opinion...more people need to do it I reckon.

as for me now, gonna go kick it with the baby, spend some quality time and not have to think about these big decisions...