And yet I feel like Im having to explain a divorce to people when they ask. Perhaps that is because that is how I feel about it really, but just dont know it yet. I have divorced my job.Well not my job cause I have many jobs, but my profession.For now.
And this is why its hard
"because it is a noble job""because it is a gift" "becuase you are doing so much good" "because your people need you" "because there arent enough of you" "because you can help so many" "because who will help them if youre not there?"
The reasons are plentiful arent they...and genuine..and guilt inducing...
but what about me...what about finding a job that makes me happy??Am I dreaming maybe??maybe everyone hates their jobs and Im just living in lala land thinking Im the only one stuck with a job that gives me grief...But what about my family, my daughter?my husband? my parents?my siblings?? who i feel all miss out because im too busy too tired to caught up and cranky with my job?? what about all the crap i put up with, with people who dont want to listen to me because-a fofo is smarter-im too young- im a woman, find me a male-
what about everyone who komumums everyday because im not there quick enough for them coz i have a life and work starts at this particular hour everyday and not 'when you want it" and therefore I am the one that cops with all the verbal abuse and mental insanity! what about all the people who lie thru their teeth about neglecting their kids, their elderly,their own chronic illness who think Im stupid, that give me headaches, heartaches, stomach aches?? what about me??? Im meant to swallow all that, in order to 'help'..until what..until im divorced and have a headful of sigas and high blood pressure from stress and my child hates me for not spending enough time with her and my parents miss out on their only grand daughter and my sister dies and im stuck on another island and my own workmates tell me her pupils were fixed and dilated on arrival and they and I can do nothing???not that that was my jobs fault...but theres still an association...
well thats why...I divorced my job. And I drive past my workplace sometimes and wait to see if i miss it, and I dont.
well, at least not at this moment in time...
so Im spending some me time..and its been good. And im thankful that I live in Samoa and I can take this time out...
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Sunday, July 05, 2009
grief
My paternal grandfather died the year I was born. Up to now I am not sure whether it was before or after I was born, I like to think it was after so that in my mind I can smile at the thought that we met. The information I know of my grandfather however is as sketchy as my knowing the date he died. the little I do know, came from what my mother told us kids, what my grandmother and aunty mentioned of him too, very little information actually came from my dad, who is his second son.
For years I blamed my dad for this lack of information as some sort of dissappointment to us. I thought he did not see the importance of passing information about family down, geneology, sharing with us his children stories of our ancestors. I thought he was male and just careless.
Now, I see what I think I always knew already. that my grandfather, my dads dad, is a subject too painful for my father to talk about. I know they were very close, and the only details of my grandfathers passing I do know of, was that he had a fatal illness and in his last days he hung in there until he got to say goodbye to my dad (died just after dad arrived)As much as my dad is the rock of our family, through thick and thin, when it comes to my grandad, his emotions are still raw and heavy, even after almost 30 years since he passed.
In some ways I think, thank goodness for blogging and websites,here is an avenue with which I share my thoughts and moments, things that person to person, I know I couldnt do. And as much as its for my friends and perhaps family, a way to reach out to them and share things that I want to but just cant, its for me. yes, I do read my blogs, and perhaps someday (if this blogsite still exists!) my kids will too (oh, when I have more then one kid!LOL)
If only my dad blogged, then maybe I would know much more about my grandad, who is still such a mystery to me...I know he ran a big plantation, he grew apparently some of the biggest avocado in Samoa, he and his sons drank too much beer, and that he was a pilot?? in the airforce /army. Thats really about all I know.
Now, I understand my dads pain, and I wonder, if it will take me that long too. Will I be silent about my sister, because it is too painful to talk about. Will my children know enough about the wonderful and great aunty they will never get to do fun things with? Will they know she would have loved them so much, like her own? its so not fair.
For those who dont know already, I have resigned from work, for many reasons, but mainly, because my gut instinct told me I would be happier if I did. And I am.I did go in for one day last week, I thought I might try a day, but funny how you think youre ready to do something (like go bunjee jump!) and then you get there and the emotions all rush in, and you realise you cant. Will it be like this forever?or for a long time? who knows...
What I do know, are these tough times bring up so many unaswerable questions, so many ifs whys hows...the only thing I do know, is you find strength in your friends and families, and for that I am truly grateful that I have such a strong and loving family, both my own and my in laws. The same goes for my friends, I can not fault any of them. they have all been a constant support and it reminds me why I moved back home.
For years I blamed my dad for this lack of information as some sort of dissappointment to us. I thought he did not see the importance of passing information about family down, geneology, sharing with us his children stories of our ancestors. I thought he was male and just careless.
Now, I see what I think I always knew already. that my grandfather, my dads dad, is a subject too painful for my father to talk about. I know they were very close, and the only details of my grandfathers passing I do know of, was that he had a fatal illness and in his last days he hung in there until he got to say goodbye to my dad (died just after dad arrived)As much as my dad is the rock of our family, through thick and thin, when it comes to my grandad, his emotions are still raw and heavy, even after almost 30 years since he passed.
In some ways I think, thank goodness for blogging and websites,here is an avenue with which I share my thoughts and moments, things that person to person, I know I couldnt do. And as much as its for my friends and perhaps family, a way to reach out to them and share things that I want to but just cant, its for me. yes, I do read my blogs, and perhaps someday (if this blogsite still exists!) my kids will too (oh, when I have more then one kid!LOL)
If only my dad blogged, then maybe I would know much more about my grandad, who is still such a mystery to me...I know he ran a big plantation, he grew apparently some of the biggest avocado in Samoa, he and his sons drank too much beer, and that he was a pilot?? in the airforce /army. Thats really about all I know.
Now, I understand my dads pain, and I wonder, if it will take me that long too. Will I be silent about my sister, because it is too painful to talk about. Will my children know enough about the wonderful and great aunty they will never get to do fun things with? Will they know she would have loved them so much, like her own? its so not fair.
For those who dont know already, I have resigned from work, for many reasons, but mainly, because my gut instinct told me I would be happier if I did. And I am.I did go in for one day last week, I thought I might try a day, but funny how you think youre ready to do something (like go bunjee jump!) and then you get there and the emotions all rush in, and you realise you cant. Will it be like this forever?or for a long time? who knows...
What I do know, are these tough times bring up so many unaswerable questions, so many ifs whys hows...the only thing I do know, is you find strength in your friends and families, and for that I am truly grateful that I have such a strong and loving family, both my own and my in laws. The same goes for my friends, I can not fault any of them. they have all been a constant support and it reminds me why I moved back home.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Can You Help??
CAN YOU HELP??
So , basically I have given up, given up asking again and again for things we desperately need at our little hospital in the middle of nowhere, which is somewhere to me, and 40,000+ other humble Samoans. I asked last week, last month, last year, and keep getting the yes ok , but years later and the same old broken doors with its broken internals, are opening up to the same frustrated but grateful patients. You look at our hospital and it looks nice, that’s because whoever donated the paintjob did a good job, but forgot to check whether the nicely painted hospital needed anything nice, like the everyday equipment needed to save and improve lives!!
So here it is, my beg and plea...to any good Samaritan out there who might have a pair of these to spare, we would receive anything ever so gratefully, as we at present make do with the very basic of everything, if anything.
We need
- Some good Blood pressure machines (in medical terms sphygomaneter!!)
- preferably with a cuff that is extra large (we only have the flimsy average sized cuffs which do not fit most above average sized Samoans half the time they are broken/leaking/out of batteries) we also need the kids sized cuffs, cos sick kids need their Blood pressure monitored too...here in Savaii we use the “hmm...he looks like his BP is ok” which does not work ALL the time...
We need crutches...desperately
Old ones new ones, broken ones, short ones tall ones. Remember those pairs you saw in your cousin’s uncles closet from when he broke his leg 3 years ago?? If you can spare it, you will change someone’s life here. The number of times I flinch when I see a child with a broken leg or an adult who developed terrible hip pains come into the hospital , and having to tell them to keep their weight off their leg for 6 weeks or longer, for a child, means being completely crippled for 6 weeks- no school, no play no interaction, because we have no crutches to give them that would allow them the freedom of mobility while still keeping their weight off the leg. What happens is kids miss out on school and end up repeating a year, or they are determined to walk on it anyway and then the break never heals, gets more complicated, and lands them in hospital with several sequels of operations to fix what was initially an uncomplicated fracture. The elderly people, become bedridden, develop terrible pressure (bed sores) sores which end up needing surgery they become depressed, they miss out on life and give up... all because we can not offer them crutches.
Its not as if we have NO crutches in Samoa...we just don’t have any in Savaii, and telling people they need to go to Apia and go through the long waitlist of getting measured and awaiting some carpenter somewhere to MAKE the crutches..Is like asking them, them with no paid employee in the family, to move to another country...it does not happen.
We need bandages, anything you can spare of all sizes and shapes...we run on recycled gauze (flimsy cotton) and tape that rips the hairs off your arms and cotton wool- I long for
the days of beautiful clear opsite, and cutifilm, and absorbent and non-absorbent dressings, different ones for boils and cuts and scrapes and sprains...not all the same pathetic gauze, wrapped, tied, stuck on..And fingers crossed things work out.
What’s this little fancy gadget you may ask?? It’s called a saturation monitor, and it gives us vital information on whether a critically ill patient is receiving enough or too much oxygen. It is such a small little device but gives us HUGE bits of information. Savaii has none, Apia has some...but
one would be all we needed, one small leap for man (the Savaii man) one HUGE leap for mankind (the Savaii kind) if you know a GP or work at a hospital that might be getting new ones and tossing old ones...please think of us...it would make a huge difference, to that relative of yours when they come in with Pneumonia, asthma, heart problems, and more....
Curtains, old ones new ones, ones made out of old sheets, tablecloths whatever, our cubicles and even some toilets (!!) have NO PRIVACY...someone last year nicely decided to donate and put up some curtain RACKS...so they are their in place waiting to be used..But oddly enough...no curtains...can you help?? Do you like to sew?? It isn’t until you are a patient and realise how hugely uncomfortable it is to have 30 other patients see everything you do, including using a urinal by your bed if you cant for whatever reason make it to the bathroom, get a sponge bath and wounds on your bum dressed twice a day in front of huge audiences, that you will know the extent of gratitude one would have for a simple curtain, walling them off from the prying eyes of the public, especially when you’re not feeling your best to begin with .
On a brighter note, do you have any of these lying around??
Yes, books, kiddies books, I dream a dream, that dream is the day our little hospital has something to offer our paeds (kids) wing. These kids, sick and irritable come to the hospital and spend days to weeks, missing out on school, and the social privileges and luxuries of being children, they spend their days staring at the walls, pulling their hair out and begging their paren
ts to go home. It breaks my heart, and 1 time out of 2, parents will abscond with their children, simply because they can not bare to stay here with us. I am sure if the ward was a little friendlier with a few books to make up for missing out on school and for past time, life in the hospital would be sooo much different for them. While we are on that subject I may as well mention that a few toys wouldn’t go amiss as well!!
And if I’m mentioning books, I might as well mention that we have no where to PUT the books- and toys, and if you could spare a bookshelf – that one that’s been sitting in the garage for years, we would treasure it like it were worth its weight in GOLD!
Anything that you might be able to help our little hospital with would be hugely appreciated, and we would be grateful for years to come. People often forget about the little hospital in Savaii...You walk into the one in Apia and the kids ward has a Ronald McDonald feel and toys and pretty pictures and TV and books...its like a hospital in Auckland, we have nothing, nada, gloomy stale walls, no ventilation (fans) or curtains or even a hot water kettle for the patients...we might as well have been a few docs nurses bits and bobs lumped up in a white box...so, if you can help...please let me know...Thanks.
So , basically I have given up, given up asking again and again for things we desperately need at our little hospital in the middle of nowhere, which is somewhere to me, and 40,000+ other humble Samoans. I asked last week, last month, last year, and keep getting the yes ok , but years later and the same old broken doors with its broken internals, are opening up to the same frustrated but grateful patients. You look at our hospital and it looks nice, that’s because whoever donated the paintjob did a good job, but forgot to check whether the nicely painted hospital needed anything nice, like the everyday equipment needed to save and improve lives!!
So here it is, my beg and plea...to any good Samaritan out there who might have a pair of these to spare, we would receive anything ever so gratefully, as we at present make do with the very basic of everything, if anything.
We need
- Some good Blood pressure machines (in medical terms sphygomaneter!!)
- preferably with a cuff that is extra large (we only have the flimsy average sized cuffs which do not fit most above average sized Samoans half the time they are broken/leaking/out of batteries) we also need the kids sized cuffs, cos sick kids need their Blood pressure monitored too...here in Savaii we use the “hmm...he looks like his BP is ok” which does not work ALL the time...
We need crutches...desperately
Old ones new ones, broken ones, short ones tall ones. Remember those pairs you saw in your cousin’s uncles closet from when he broke his leg 3 years ago?? If you can spare it, you will change someone’s life here. The number of times I flinch when I see a child with a broken leg or an adult who developed terrible hip pains come into the hospital , and having to tell them to keep their weight off their leg for 6 weeks or longer, for a child, means being completely crippled for 6 weeks- no school, no play no interaction, because we have no crutches to give them that would allow them the freedom of mobility while still keeping their weight off the leg. What happens is kids miss out on school and end up repeating a year, or they are determined to walk on it anyway and then the break never heals, gets more complicated, and lands them in hospital with several sequels of operations to fix what was initially an uncomplicated fracture. The elderly people, become bedridden, develop terrible pressure (bed sores) sores which end up needing surgery they become depressed, they miss out on life and give up... all because we can not offer them crutches.
Its not as if we have NO crutches in Samoa...we just don’t have any in Savaii, and telling people they need to go to Apia and go through the long waitlist of getting measured and awaiting some carpenter somewhere to MAKE the crutches..Is like asking them, them with no paid employee in the family, to move to another country...it does not happen.
We need bandages, anything you can spare of all sizes and shapes...we run on recycled gauze (flimsy cotton) and tape that rips the hairs off your arms and cotton wool- I long for
the days of beautiful clear opsite, and cutifilm, and absorbent and non-absorbent dressings, different ones for boils and cuts and scrapes and sprains...not all the same pathetic gauze, wrapped, tied, stuck on..And fingers crossed things work out.
What’s this little fancy gadget you may ask?? It’s called a saturation monitor, and it gives us vital information on whether a critically ill patient is receiving enough or too much oxygen. It is such a small little device but gives us HUGE bits of information. Savaii has none, Apia has some...but
one would be all we needed, one small leap for man (the Savaii man) one HUGE leap for mankind (the Savaii kind) if you know a GP or work at a hospital that might be getting new ones and tossing old ones...please think of us...it would make a huge difference, to that relative of yours when they come in with Pneumonia, asthma, heart problems, and more....
Curtains, old ones new ones, ones made out of old sheets, tablecloths whatever, our cubicles and even some toilets (!!) have NO PRIVACY...someone last year nicely decided to donate and put up some curtain RACKS...so they are their in place waiting to be used..But oddly enough...no curtains...can you help?? Do you like to sew?? It isn’t until you are a patient and realise how hugely uncomfortable it is to have 30 other patients see everything you do, including using a urinal by your bed if you cant for whatever reason make it to the bathroom, get a sponge bath and wounds on your bum dressed twice a day in front of huge audiences, that you will know the extent of gratitude one would have for a simple curtain, walling them off from the prying eyes of the public, especially when you’re not feeling your best to begin with .
On a brighter note, do you have any of these lying around??
Yes, books, kiddies books, I dream a dream, that dream is the day our little hospital has something to offer our paeds (kids) wing. These kids, sick and irritable come to the hospital and spend days to weeks, missing out on school, and the social privileges and luxuries of being children, they spend their days staring at the walls, pulling their hair out and begging their paren
ts to go home. It breaks my heart, and 1 time out of 2, parents will abscond with their children, simply because they can not bare to stay here with us. I am sure if the ward was a little friendlier with a few books to make up for missing out on school and for past time, life in the hospital would be sooo much different for them. While we are on that subject I may as well mention that a few toys wouldn’t go amiss as well!!
And if I’m mentioning books, I might as well mention that we have no where to PUT the books- and toys, and if you could spare a bookshelf – that one that’s been sitting in the garage for years, we would treasure it like it were worth its weight in GOLD!
Anything that you might be able to help our little hospital with would be hugely appreciated, and we would be grateful for years to come. People often forget about the little hospital in Savaii...You walk into the one in Apia and the kids ward has a Ronald McDonald feel and toys and pretty pictures and TV and books...its like a hospital in Auckland, we have nothing, nada, gloomy stale walls, no ventilation (fans) or curtains or even a hot water kettle for the patients...we might as well have been a few docs nurses bits and bobs lumped up in a white box...so, if you can help...please let me know...Thanks.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
babies
Yesterday was a terrible day at work. I came home, feeling numb, my legs somehow seemed to drag behind me and I felt like a zombie. I couldn't’t really think straight, was not sure if i was angry or sad or in shock. The first thing I Did was pick up my baby and hug and kiss her like I had not held her for days even though I had only been away for 4 hours.
Yesterday I left the ward earlier then normal to help out in the ED/Outpatient, and a catastrophe landed on our doorstep. A lifeless infant was rushed in and immediately all hands were on deck. For what seemed like forever we tried to revive this infant,when it arrived, although it had no heart beat or breath sounds, it was still warm, so in my mind, whatever had happened , had happened in the last few minutes which gave me a glimpse of hope.We tried everything we could, EVERYTHING and more. I stood at the head of the resus bed and ventilated and gave orders, get this draw up that...like a rush of adrenaline I was determined that we could save this child. But the statistics are, that 95% of all babies rushed into hospital in a life threatening state or without vitals, are met with death. We can save only 5% of them. I tried, we tried so hard. I did things I had only read about and not even seen done because all else had failed. And still, the gloomy hands of a terrible fate set in and took this child from us. I was annoyed by the pace of everyones movements, in these situations every second counts, but looking back, everyone was rushing around, it just seemed like every second was a minute, and every minute was an hour. An hour of trying, all the while frantic parents, a frantic mother, wailing around us, asking what was happening, distressed. Towards the end, when I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I started crying, I hit myself because I had tried for so long not to. Big useless sook. I blame it on the post pregnancy hormones if there is such a thing. Ever since having a child, all kids are now precious and personal to me.
I couldn't answer the parents wails over what was happening, but when i started crying- not the wailing type cry but a silent tear dropping cry, in the middle of still ventilating they knew what was coming. And my heart broke. Nothing i could say could ease this moment for them. So I stayed silent. It IS so unfair, a parent should NEVER have to see their child die. How does the mind body and SOUL recover from something like this?? I think a small part of you never does.
We still don’t really know what happened, we think it was SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) look it up if you have children, this is the sole reason my daughter has a flat head! And i wouldn’t have it any other way. People don’t know much about it here, but the word needs to get out because its universal. I try to tell mothers of young babys about it, sleep babys on their backs at least til they are 6 months etc. But the information needs to get out there beyond the confines of the outpatient visiting room. Something Im going to work on. Get a pamphlet out there or something, hopefully people read it.
Ok, soifua
Yesterday I left the ward earlier then normal to help out in the ED/Outpatient, and a catastrophe landed on our doorstep. A lifeless infant was rushed in and immediately all hands were on deck. For what seemed like forever we tried to revive this infant,when it arrived, although it had no heart beat or breath sounds, it was still warm, so in my mind, whatever had happened , had happened in the last few minutes which gave me a glimpse of hope.We tried everything we could, EVERYTHING and more. I stood at the head of the resus bed and ventilated and gave orders, get this draw up that...like a rush of adrenaline I was determined that we could save this child. But the statistics are, that 95% of all babies rushed into hospital in a life threatening state or without vitals, are met with death. We can save only 5% of them. I tried, we tried so hard. I did things I had only read about and not even seen done because all else had failed. And still, the gloomy hands of a terrible fate set in and took this child from us. I was annoyed by the pace of everyones movements, in these situations every second counts, but looking back, everyone was rushing around, it just seemed like every second was a minute, and every minute was an hour. An hour of trying, all the while frantic parents, a frantic mother, wailing around us, asking what was happening, distressed. Towards the end, when I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I started crying, I hit myself because I had tried for so long not to. Big useless sook. I blame it on the post pregnancy hormones if there is such a thing. Ever since having a child, all kids are now precious and personal to me.
I couldn't answer the parents wails over what was happening, but when i started crying- not the wailing type cry but a silent tear dropping cry, in the middle of still ventilating they knew what was coming. And my heart broke. Nothing i could say could ease this moment for them. So I stayed silent. It IS so unfair, a parent should NEVER have to see their child die. How does the mind body and SOUL recover from something like this?? I think a small part of you never does.
We still don’t really know what happened, we think it was SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) look it up if you have children, this is the sole reason my daughter has a flat head! And i wouldn’t have it any other way. People don’t know much about it here, but the word needs to get out because its universal. I try to tell mothers of young babys about it, sleep babys on their backs at least til they are 6 months etc. But the information needs to get out there beyond the confines of the outpatient visiting room. Something Im going to work on. Get a pamphlet out there or something, hopefully people read it.
Ok, soifua
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