Death, Such a morbid subject. A Subject of which you hope, that the only thought you would spare for it, is that one day it will catch up with you. Hopefully when you are old and have a brood of kids and grandkids and you have most certainly lived a life you loved. And you hopefully die in your sleep of old age. Anything other then that picture perfect fairytale description and it’s something that will at least make you flinch for a second. This year draws to an end with two subjects that have been on my mind a lot lately. Death and Life.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot of death. I keep hearing sad stories of people who have died, to what I feel, was unnecessarily. A young man with a septic knee who dies of septicaemia. And it reminds me of the hospital and all the masses of people and patients with huge suffering from small infections. All because they prolonged seeking medical treatment from the hospital and chose instead to go to a fofo. Again, my objection to their (fofos) treatments are only because they do not all, seem to see when something is beyond their control, and their treatments serve only to delay our medical help and prolong and perpetuate the patients suffering. Sure there will be stuff that they’re good at. But is knowing and not knowing which, reason and just enough for the causalities caused??
It’s easy to get frustrated and think- these people are all stupid!! What the hell were they thinking! When someone lies in front of you on the brink of death, can you not see it? (Thinking about kids walking round with huge infections) do you not value their lives and want to do everything in your power to help??? But benefit of doubt graces them with the excuse that perhaps it’s a lack of education and simply not knowing, that better help is there and available to them. Perhaps they feel that they are doing all they can. I can not stop thinking about my sister. I get these flashes of having to tell my siblings in NZ to come home quick. And their questions of “is it serious because we have exams etc etc” hoping that she had just broken a leg or something, and my head going all fuzzy with the knowledge that I knew she was going to die. Instead of yelling that out I just rattled off the list of her injuries, and that was all it took to convey the seriousness of the situation.
Next year, is a new year for me. And I’ve been really emotional about it lately because next year brings my family new life. I am carrying and expecting in July. Ironically that is the same month of Luanas’ unveiling and I am sad that I might miss it. I will fly to NZ for the sake of my future child’s’ dual citizenship and because of all the trouble I had with my first birth, and it will be hard because the last time I did this, Luana was my right hand man. My run around girl who did everything for me in my last month of pregnancy. And then when Adria arrived she was right there like a second mum to her. I have photos with the two of them eyeing each other up, and you can see in my sister’s face a fascination and awe and immense love for my daughter likened only to the expression you would see on a new mother herself.
I am excited and joyful but at the same time heartbroken when I think of what next year brings. It’s like it will be a meeting of life and death, an occasion to celebrate and mourn at the same time. I would do anything in my power to have my sister back, anything. So it really gets to me when I see people who don’t seem to do as much or care as much about their ill relatives. We all live life recklessly, we might not think it but we all, don’t put our seatbelts on every once in a while, or jaywalk a crossing or go above the speed limit, or do something dare-devilish from time to time, and we do take a lot for granted. We do not realise how much we appreciate things until they are ripped out of your heart and dangled in front of your soul, and then you know. But as one of my friends wrote, do we change the way we live? Do we make sure we watch every step and drive slow and avoid hazard with extreme caution, don’t eat this don’t go there etc etc all to try to avoid and cheat every possibility of harm and hazard? No, most probably we make some small changes, but carry on the way we were mostly. I hope, we try to remember to show those you love and care for, that you do love and care for them. Rather then just settling for ‘knowing that they know’.
As for me, this year leaves me with some unwanted nausea dished out hand in hand with new excitement and anticipation; it leaves me with sad memories and a ‘watch this space’ eagerness for new ones to be made. It has been a year of blood, sweat and certainly too many tears. I guess in away 2009 will not fade into the mass of years and time which equivalate ‘my past’ it will indeed be a stand out year that I will never forget. If it has changed me in anyway I hope it has been for the good. Tonight we will celebrate new years over BBQ with friends and family (dang it I cant have a drink!) and I hope 2010 has only good and happy things dished out for all! Happy new years!!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, October 04, 2009
2009
2009
I know its not the end of the year yet, but already I am final in my conclusion that this has to be the WORST year ever, of my life. Tragedy after tragedy after tragedy….Ive lost count of all the tragedys that have occurred, but one thing is sure, this has been a devastating year.
I came to Apia last Friday because this weekend was my mothers 51st birthday as well as my recently deceased little sister Luana’s birthday as well. It was not going to be a happy weekend but I wanted to be here to support my family through it in whatever way I could, even if it was just being around to fufulu the ipus and make cups of tea.
I was booked to go back to Savaii on a boat on Tuesday, however I was rudely awoken that very day by a rumbling earthmoving earthquake. A vase fell off a counter and shattered and the whole day continued to fall apart thereafter.
My daughter was still asleep when the house started moving, for a few seconds I waited and then when what appeared to be dust, started puffing out from between seams in the walls and ceiling , I grabbed her and ran outside. I couldn’t believe how long the earth shook for. Then, confusion over whether there would be a tsunami warning as the quake was sizeable, eventually, even without any messaged alerts ( I thought the phone companies would be messaging people through a warning but maybe I dreamt that up) we headed off to Aleisa to the higher haven of our relies, the Levis up there.it was soon realised that there was a warning as a wave of people and cars started to fill the roads heading in the same direction and sirens could be heard going off in town. The radio was turned on when we arriverd and immediately spilt out reports of waves having hit the southern coast of the island, already reports of missing people and resorts wiped out. I could not believe it.
There is something about catastrophes.I think, either you crack and are completely overwhelmed with the emotion of it all, or you go into auto pilot, right, what needs to be done, where , when , who , how. This is how I react, I think its some sort of safety mechanism for myself to avoid having to break down about things, cause I know I would if I let my guard down.
I wanted to rush to aleipata and those villages right away and help, I got the number for the disaster management officer coordinating things and she said she would ring me back, but I know they would have been busy , doing their own necessary things. Shortly after making these calls I discovered that one of my uncles wives still had her whole family at Aleipata. Her parents, brother and wife, and their two kids. And she had been trying frantically to get ahold of them all morning, with no avail. She had gotten through to a neighbour who could only inform her that their family house had been washed away, but they were unsure as to whether her relatives had made it inland like most people had tried. So after a while her and my uncle decided to head out to look themselves, in the case that they had just left their cellphones behind and were just unreachable.Which was certainly a posibility as I only thought after I had left the house about what I “should have” taken with me!!
The ride out there was the longest ride in my life. The air was thick with tension as we did not know what to expect. News reports kept rolling out of the radio using terms such as “wiped out” “no warning” “wave hit minutes after the quake” all very dampening to the tiny flicker of hope my cousin had that her family were ok. When we got to the village of Aleipata after an almost 3 hour drive due to all the detours we had to make to get there, we were not prepared for the site that met us. Where were the sandy beaches that these villages are known for, what was all the mud, where were the people? the houses? The animals? The vegetation? One could immediately feel the magnitude of the devastation. What seemed like only a handful of people, mostly teenagers roamed through the village. The road had been eaten away into the sea in several places and we were lucky to have taken a 4WD out as we had to drive through swamp and rubble in some places. Solid brick houses were demolished, steel pipes were bowed completely over like flimsy straw in the wind, huge boulders had been uplifted from the sea onto the land, in the few buildings that still stood, debri could be seen clinging to the windows almost 8 feet up the sill an indication of how high the water had gotten. We saw a body in the water and villagers trying to turn it over to see who the face was presumably for identification , stuff that only happens on the news in other countries, was now happening right before our own eyes.
We had to stop and look carefully to identify the foundation of my cousins’ parents house. When in your life, do you ever expect to do that??? It was surrounded by 2 feet of clay/mud that I kept getting stuck in, my relative wailed calling out for her parents…I did not know where or how to start helping. One could see immediately that they would have been in one of the least fortunate spots in the disaster with a swamp of water (mangrove) behind them, followed by spiky thick mangrove bush. No high ground nearby. The ma’umaga or plantation was some distance in land likely only accessible quickly by car. We saw their family vehicle upturned in the water in the mangrove, squashed like a empty can of coke. Do we swim out to it??what does one do??! There was a sense of urgency in me…but a reality jolt as well…its almost 5 hours since the wave hit. If someone is lying in the water, they are most probably drowned…but one still can not help but hope to do something, see something, help someone. She asked some kids if they knew anything of her parents and they wrecklessly said “I think they are dead but your brother is at the hospital”….talk about breaking bad news in the worst possible way, I jumped in quickly instructing if they knew for sure, had they seen bodies, who told them, and of course the little idiots quickly changed their story saying they didn’t actually know anything about her parents but lots of people were dead.
We headed to the hospital, at the time I think my cousins still thought, that everything was going to be fine, as anyone would. When something like this happens, you just keep telling yourself its all ok at every checkpoint that you can. The hospital was chokablock. The medical team had been working nonstop since they got out there and by the time we arrived there was little more I could offer to help with. All they needed now was large vehicles to move injured people with. I stood talking with a collegue I knew and could hear in the distant a woman screaming, what I did not realise until a minute or two later was that it was my cousin. She had been told that both her parents had died, their bodies had been taken to Apia already as well as her brothers daughter, and they were still searching for his son. His wife had sustained serious injuries and was in critical condition at Apia already. Her brother had been the only persons spared of major injury.
How does one prepare themselves for so many blows at one time. I think going crazy would be accepted. If I thought the ride TO the disaster zone was long, the ride home was even longer. On the way we passed several large trucks, bulldozers, cars belonging to businesses that had ambulance signs plastered on them to convert them to makeshift ones. We also crossed a couple of car accidents, likely due to speeding vehicles, and then an ambulance with a flat tyre, who were carrying people and what also appeared to be dead bodies out to vehicles which had stopped alongside and offered their services. Arriving at the hospital itself brought no joy. Another reality check when a staff member met my cousin with news that all 4 of her relatives presumed dead, 3 in the morgue, and one presumed passed away whos body still had not been found. The morgue area was packed with people and there were rows of people in seats alongside the road. The poor PR skills of the tired staff that were there is to be excused as im sure they have never had to deal with anything of this sort before. Only a few hours after learning that her whole family except one had been killed someone was pushing to ask if she was ready to take the bodies with her (uhmm..the lady is still in shock, let alone has given thought to a 4 person funeral just yet) then there was misinformation from another staff member who said, only 3 bodies were here but there was a kid in the ER with no family who might be her nephew. Then a walk to ER side was met with an angry policeman demanding to know what we wanted, when we explained, he said “well thanks for telling me but move on cause its busy here etc etc” another nurse who was not being asked anyway but was obviously eavesdropping shot out at us “everyone is being treated!!” uhmmm ok lady, (it was a fafafine actually) didn’t ask you if people were being ‘treated’ just need to know if this kid has been identified and if he needs his mum, dad someone by his side!
Anyways, cut a long story short, it wasn’t him. My cousin has indeed lost both her parents, and her brother has lost both children. An unimaginable tragedy in the largest of scales. I can not imagine what they are going through, I have lost one of my own sisters recently who was very dear to me, and it still feels like someone has ripped out my heart and beat it with a lead bat, imagining losing all my family and children in one go…is just the worst life sentence ever. My heart goes out to all the families who have lost children, to mothers who tried but were no match to mother nature, to husbands who clung to their wives only to have them swept out of their arms, to the old folk who struggled…this is a disaster that will be remembered for centuries.
I know its not the end of the year yet, but already I am final in my conclusion that this has to be the WORST year ever, of my life. Tragedy after tragedy after tragedy….Ive lost count of all the tragedys that have occurred, but one thing is sure, this has been a devastating year.
I came to Apia last Friday because this weekend was my mothers 51st birthday as well as my recently deceased little sister Luana’s birthday as well. It was not going to be a happy weekend but I wanted to be here to support my family through it in whatever way I could, even if it was just being around to fufulu the ipus and make cups of tea.
I was booked to go back to Savaii on a boat on Tuesday, however I was rudely awoken that very day by a rumbling earthmoving earthquake. A vase fell off a counter and shattered and the whole day continued to fall apart thereafter.
My daughter was still asleep when the house started moving, for a few seconds I waited and then when what appeared to be dust, started puffing out from between seams in the walls and ceiling , I grabbed her and ran outside. I couldn’t believe how long the earth shook for. Then, confusion over whether there would be a tsunami warning as the quake was sizeable, eventually, even without any messaged alerts ( I thought the phone companies would be messaging people through a warning but maybe I dreamt that up) we headed off to Aleisa to the higher haven of our relies, the Levis up there.it was soon realised that there was a warning as a wave of people and cars started to fill the roads heading in the same direction and sirens could be heard going off in town. The radio was turned on when we arriverd and immediately spilt out reports of waves having hit the southern coast of the island, already reports of missing people and resorts wiped out. I could not believe it.
There is something about catastrophes.I think, either you crack and are completely overwhelmed with the emotion of it all, or you go into auto pilot, right, what needs to be done, where , when , who , how. This is how I react, I think its some sort of safety mechanism for myself to avoid having to break down about things, cause I know I would if I let my guard down.
I wanted to rush to aleipata and those villages right away and help, I got the number for the disaster management officer coordinating things and she said she would ring me back, but I know they would have been busy , doing their own necessary things. Shortly after making these calls I discovered that one of my uncles wives still had her whole family at Aleipata. Her parents, brother and wife, and their two kids. And she had been trying frantically to get ahold of them all morning, with no avail. She had gotten through to a neighbour who could only inform her that their family house had been washed away, but they were unsure as to whether her relatives had made it inland like most people had tried. So after a while her and my uncle decided to head out to look themselves, in the case that they had just left their cellphones behind and were just unreachable.Which was certainly a posibility as I only thought after I had left the house about what I “should have” taken with me!!
The ride out there was the longest ride in my life. The air was thick with tension as we did not know what to expect. News reports kept rolling out of the radio using terms such as “wiped out” “no warning” “wave hit minutes after the quake” all very dampening to the tiny flicker of hope my cousin had that her family were ok. When we got to the village of Aleipata after an almost 3 hour drive due to all the detours we had to make to get there, we were not prepared for the site that met us. Where were the sandy beaches that these villages are known for, what was all the mud, where were the people? the houses? The animals? The vegetation? One could immediately feel the magnitude of the devastation. What seemed like only a handful of people, mostly teenagers roamed through the village. The road had been eaten away into the sea in several places and we were lucky to have taken a 4WD out as we had to drive through swamp and rubble in some places. Solid brick houses were demolished, steel pipes were bowed completely over like flimsy straw in the wind, huge boulders had been uplifted from the sea onto the land, in the few buildings that still stood, debri could be seen clinging to the windows almost 8 feet up the sill an indication of how high the water had gotten. We saw a body in the water and villagers trying to turn it over to see who the face was presumably for identification , stuff that only happens on the news in other countries, was now happening right before our own eyes.
We had to stop and look carefully to identify the foundation of my cousins’ parents house. When in your life, do you ever expect to do that??? It was surrounded by 2 feet of clay/mud that I kept getting stuck in, my relative wailed calling out for her parents…I did not know where or how to start helping. One could see immediately that they would have been in one of the least fortunate spots in the disaster with a swamp of water (mangrove) behind them, followed by spiky thick mangrove bush. No high ground nearby. The ma’umaga or plantation was some distance in land likely only accessible quickly by car. We saw their family vehicle upturned in the water in the mangrove, squashed like a empty can of coke. Do we swim out to it??what does one do??! There was a sense of urgency in me…but a reality jolt as well…its almost 5 hours since the wave hit. If someone is lying in the water, they are most probably drowned…but one still can not help but hope to do something, see something, help someone. She asked some kids if they knew anything of her parents and they wrecklessly said “I think they are dead but your brother is at the hospital”….talk about breaking bad news in the worst possible way, I jumped in quickly instructing if they knew for sure, had they seen bodies, who told them, and of course the little idiots quickly changed their story saying they didn’t actually know anything about her parents but lots of people were dead.
We headed to the hospital, at the time I think my cousins still thought, that everything was going to be fine, as anyone would. When something like this happens, you just keep telling yourself its all ok at every checkpoint that you can. The hospital was chokablock. The medical team had been working nonstop since they got out there and by the time we arrived there was little more I could offer to help with. All they needed now was large vehicles to move injured people with. I stood talking with a collegue I knew and could hear in the distant a woman screaming, what I did not realise until a minute or two later was that it was my cousin. She had been told that both her parents had died, their bodies had been taken to Apia already as well as her brothers daughter, and they were still searching for his son. His wife had sustained serious injuries and was in critical condition at Apia already. Her brother had been the only persons spared of major injury.
How does one prepare themselves for so many blows at one time. I think going crazy would be accepted. If I thought the ride TO the disaster zone was long, the ride home was even longer. On the way we passed several large trucks, bulldozers, cars belonging to businesses that had ambulance signs plastered on them to convert them to makeshift ones. We also crossed a couple of car accidents, likely due to speeding vehicles, and then an ambulance with a flat tyre, who were carrying people and what also appeared to be dead bodies out to vehicles which had stopped alongside and offered their services. Arriving at the hospital itself brought no joy. Another reality check when a staff member met my cousin with news that all 4 of her relatives presumed dead, 3 in the morgue, and one presumed passed away whos body still had not been found. The morgue area was packed with people and there were rows of people in seats alongside the road. The poor PR skills of the tired staff that were there is to be excused as im sure they have never had to deal with anything of this sort before. Only a few hours after learning that her whole family except one had been killed someone was pushing to ask if she was ready to take the bodies with her (uhmm..the lady is still in shock, let alone has given thought to a 4 person funeral just yet) then there was misinformation from another staff member who said, only 3 bodies were here but there was a kid in the ER with no family who might be her nephew. Then a walk to ER side was met with an angry policeman demanding to know what we wanted, when we explained, he said “well thanks for telling me but move on cause its busy here etc etc” another nurse who was not being asked anyway but was obviously eavesdropping shot out at us “everyone is being treated!!” uhmmm ok lady, (it was a fafafine actually) didn’t ask you if people were being ‘treated’ just need to know if this kid has been identified and if he needs his mum, dad someone by his side!
Anyways, cut a long story short, it wasn’t him. My cousin has indeed lost both her parents, and her brother has lost both children. An unimaginable tragedy in the largest of scales. I can not imagine what they are going through, I have lost one of my own sisters recently who was very dear to me, and it still feels like someone has ripped out my heart and beat it with a lead bat, imagining losing all my family and children in one go…is just the worst life sentence ever. My heart goes out to all the families who have lost children, to mothers who tried but were no match to mother nature, to husbands who clung to their wives only to have them swept out of their arms, to the old folk who struggled…this is a disaster that will be remembered for centuries.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Im on a break
And yet I feel like Im having to explain a divorce to people when they ask. Perhaps that is because that is how I feel about it really, but just dont know it yet. I have divorced my job.Well not my job cause I have many jobs, but my profession.For now.
And this is why its hard
"because it is a noble job""because it is a gift" "becuase you are doing so much good" "because your people need you" "because there arent enough of you" "because you can help so many" "because who will help them if youre not there?"
The reasons are plentiful arent they...and genuine..and guilt inducing...
but what about me...what about finding a job that makes me happy??Am I dreaming maybe??maybe everyone hates their jobs and Im just living in lala land thinking Im the only one stuck with a job that gives me grief...But what about my family, my daughter?my husband? my parents?my siblings?? who i feel all miss out because im too busy too tired to caught up and cranky with my job?? what about all the crap i put up with, with people who dont want to listen to me because-a fofo is smarter-im too young- im a woman, find me a male-
what about everyone who komumums everyday because im not there quick enough for them coz i have a life and work starts at this particular hour everyday and not 'when you want it" and therefore I am the one that cops with all the verbal abuse and mental insanity! what about all the people who lie thru their teeth about neglecting their kids, their elderly,their own chronic illness who think Im stupid, that give me headaches, heartaches, stomach aches?? what about me??? Im meant to swallow all that, in order to 'help'..until what..until im divorced and have a headful of sigas and high blood pressure from stress and my child hates me for not spending enough time with her and my parents miss out on their only grand daughter and my sister dies and im stuck on another island and my own workmates tell me her pupils were fixed and dilated on arrival and they and I can do nothing???not that that was my jobs fault...but theres still an association...
well thats why...I divorced my job. And I drive past my workplace sometimes and wait to see if i miss it, and I dont.
well, at least not at this moment in time...
so Im spending some me time..and its been good. And im thankful that I live in Samoa and I can take this time out...
And this is why its hard
"because it is a noble job""because it is a gift" "becuase you are doing so much good" "because your people need you" "because there arent enough of you" "because you can help so many" "because who will help them if youre not there?"
The reasons are plentiful arent they...and genuine..and guilt inducing...
but what about me...what about finding a job that makes me happy??Am I dreaming maybe??maybe everyone hates their jobs and Im just living in lala land thinking Im the only one stuck with a job that gives me grief...But what about my family, my daughter?my husband? my parents?my siblings?? who i feel all miss out because im too busy too tired to caught up and cranky with my job?? what about all the crap i put up with, with people who dont want to listen to me because-a fofo is smarter-im too young- im a woman, find me a male-
what about everyone who komumums everyday because im not there quick enough for them coz i have a life and work starts at this particular hour everyday and not 'when you want it" and therefore I am the one that cops with all the verbal abuse and mental insanity! what about all the people who lie thru their teeth about neglecting their kids, their elderly,their own chronic illness who think Im stupid, that give me headaches, heartaches, stomach aches?? what about me??? Im meant to swallow all that, in order to 'help'..until what..until im divorced and have a headful of sigas and high blood pressure from stress and my child hates me for not spending enough time with her and my parents miss out on their only grand daughter and my sister dies and im stuck on another island and my own workmates tell me her pupils were fixed and dilated on arrival and they and I can do nothing???not that that was my jobs fault...but theres still an association...
well thats why...I divorced my job. And I drive past my workplace sometimes and wait to see if i miss it, and I dont.
well, at least not at this moment in time...
so Im spending some me time..and its been good. And im thankful that I live in Samoa and I can take this time out...
Sunday, July 05, 2009
grief
My paternal grandfather died the year I was born. Up to now I am not sure whether it was before or after I was born, I like to think it was after so that in my mind I can smile at the thought that we met. The information I know of my grandfather however is as sketchy as my knowing the date he died. the little I do know, came from what my mother told us kids, what my grandmother and aunty mentioned of him too, very little information actually came from my dad, who is his second son.
For years I blamed my dad for this lack of information as some sort of dissappointment to us. I thought he did not see the importance of passing information about family down, geneology, sharing with us his children stories of our ancestors. I thought he was male and just careless.
Now, I see what I think I always knew already. that my grandfather, my dads dad, is a subject too painful for my father to talk about. I know they were very close, and the only details of my grandfathers passing I do know of, was that he had a fatal illness and in his last days he hung in there until he got to say goodbye to my dad (died just after dad arrived)As much as my dad is the rock of our family, through thick and thin, when it comes to my grandad, his emotions are still raw and heavy, even after almost 30 years since he passed.
In some ways I think, thank goodness for blogging and websites,here is an avenue with which I share my thoughts and moments, things that person to person, I know I couldnt do. And as much as its for my friends and perhaps family, a way to reach out to them and share things that I want to but just cant, its for me. yes, I do read my blogs, and perhaps someday (if this blogsite still exists!) my kids will too (oh, when I have more then one kid!LOL)
If only my dad blogged, then maybe I would know much more about my grandad, who is still such a mystery to me...I know he ran a big plantation, he grew apparently some of the biggest avocado in Samoa, he and his sons drank too much beer, and that he was a pilot?? in the airforce /army. Thats really about all I know.
Now, I understand my dads pain, and I wonder, if it will take me that long too. Will I be silent about my sister, because it is too painful to talk about. Will my children know enough about the wonderful and great aunty they will never get to do fun things with? Will they know she would have loved them so much, like her own? its so not fair.
For those who dont know already, I have resigned from work, for many reasons, but mainly, because my gut instinct told me I would be happier if I did. And I am.I did go in for one day last week, I thought I might try a day, but funny how you think youre ready to do something (like go bunjee jump!) and then you get there and the emotions all rush in, and you realise you cant. Will it be like this forever?or for a long time? who knows...
What I do know, are these tough times bring up so many unaswerable questions, so many ifs whys hows...the only thing I do know, is you find strength in your friends and families, and for that I am truly grateful that I have such a strong and loving family, both my own and my in laws. The same goes for my friends, I can not fault any of them. they have all been a constant support and it reminds me why I moved back home.
For years I blamed my dad for this lack of information as some sort of dissappointment to us. I thought he did not see the importance of passing information about family down, geneology, sharing with us his children stories of our ancestors. I thought he was male and just careless.
Now, I see what I think I always knew already. that my grandfather, my dads dad, is a subject too painful for my father to talk about. I know they were very close, and the only details of my grandfathers passing I do know of, was that he had a fatal illness and in his last days he hung in there until he got to say goodbye to my dad (died just after dad arrived)As much as my dad is the rock of our family, through thick and thin, when it comes to my grandad, his emotions are still raw and heavy, even after almost 30 years since he passed.
In some ways I think, thank goodness for blogging and websites,here is an avenue with which I share my thoughts and moments, things that person to person, I know I couldnt do. And as much as its for my friends and perhaps family, a way to reach out to them and share things that I want to but just cant, its for me. yes, I do read my blogs, and perhaps someday (if this blogsite still exists!) my kids will too (oh, when I have more then one kid!LOL)
If only my dad blogged, then maybe I would know much more about my grandad, who is still such a mystery to me...I know he ran a big plantation, he grew apparently some of the biggest avocado in Samoa, he and his sons drank too much beer, and that he was a pilot?? in the airforce /army. Thats really about all I know.
Now, I understand my dads pain, and I wonder, if it will take me that long too. Will I be silent about my sister, because it is too painful to talk about. Will my children know enough about the wonderful and great aunty they will never get to do fun things with? Will they know she would have loved them so much, like her own? its so not fair.
For those who dont know already, I have resigned from work, for many reasons, but mainly, because my gut instinct told me I would be happier if I did. And I am.I did go in for one day last week, I thought I might try a day, but funny how you think youre ready to do something (like go bunjee jump!) and then you get there and the emotions all rush in, and you realise you cant. Will it be like this forever?or for a long time? who knows...
What I do know, are these tough times bring up so many unaswerable questions, so many ifs whys hows...the only thing I do know, is you find strength in your friends and families, and for that I am truly grateful that I have such a strong and loving family, both my own and my in laws. The same goes for my friends, I can not fault any of them. they have all been a constant support and it reminds me why I moved back home.
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