living life and learning:)

There is nothing more humbling in life, then experience. This  is something that 10 yrs ago, fresh out of medschool..ready to ‘take on the world’  -- I cast little thought to. I think there is something about hormones, puberty, going through adolescence that sometimes overarms us as human beings. Makes us think that we know it all and can do it all ( yes , actually I can Remember being that fiapoko little 16yr old lol) . That the world was indeed our oyster and we were one of the best fisherman ready to indulge!!lol…10 yrs ago- “old people” or “older people” were just that. Older people. Apparently they were ‘wiser’ then me and us at the time, and maybe that was so. Maybe they had learnt more etc…but I did not think I was ‘that’ different then a ‘me in 10 yrs time’ or a collegue at the hospital who was 10 yrs my senior (!!)  I thought I was fresh, well studied...had had 6 yrs of medical school experience under my belt (which was quite long or so I thought!)  and  with a bit of practice would be ready to take on anything!

In the last 10 yrs since stepping onto the soil of my homeland, having completed my medicine, I have never been so whipped before in my life. The things that I have seen, dealt with, cried for, yelled at, laughed with, encouraged, sympathized, lost my temper with, I can now honestly say I was vastly unprepared for - and having gone through each and every one of those moments, I can now vouch that I am indeed ,a whole nother person. A more "experienced''  wiser more worldly - older me. And although at many times in the last century I have felt way out of my league and undertrained, under-knowledged, underskilled and abandoned in the bush, there is a great lesson in life to be learnt from experience.

 Every time I realise that life has yet again, revealed the truth about something I thought I already knew but obviously  had not…I am always astonished. At how vastly inexperienced and naïve, I had just been about something and not too long ago. It is almost scary to think of how immature I actually was ...and immature more in the sense of approach/understanding/ability to exude confidence with and not the cheeky little shit sense lol:) And how humbled I am to now truly be able to appreciate that experience , that condition, illness, event, emotion,occassion…with a new set of eyes.

Then my own personal  experiences like having gone through childbirth, and medical investigations…and others experiences - surgeries, watched people die of terrible things like incurable illnesses, and heart attacks, and heart failure, sepsis. Things like having to have some procedure done on myself, like an IV, a  lumber puncture, a caesarean section- and then realising all those times I counselled others on what to expect, was completely inept  for what I actually went through and felt- and therefore felt like I had been a fraudster in all those previous years!OMG useless!! Now instead, I  just hold peoples hands and layout the reality of what they will endure and there is  a sense of calm now that I know a little bit more about something to be able to counsel someone with ease…. Having gone through it myself  Is truly, the best way to truly make you a decent counsellor of what to expectJ

Experience has opened my eyes out to far beyond the horizon. I have seen things that have crept out of all corners of our community that I had no idea about before. That no one had prepared me for and certainly had never been exposed to in  my upbringing. I have seen the ugly side of poverty, of people not afforded the same opportunities to health, people with mislaid beliefs of health problems and how to treat them, and then watched them watch their loved ones, children die as a result. The experiences one has no option but to choke down at times in practicing medicine in Samoa are challenging, humbling, frustrating all rolled up into one. 

The worst of all  experiences of course , is seeing  a person die on me, whom I did not expect to die. And then the wrath of the following days guilt, that I might have missed something, not done more, or even contributed to somehow ….the death of a patient.  There have been days I have prayed for comfort, for people I have cared for…and for myself too. There have been days I have thought “THAT’S IT..i can’t do this anymore’…the challenge is too big…there’s not enough of us- its ridiculous to expect people to work like this!…not enough resources not enough support not enough anything to make this job easier, ideal or even safe  for me…but then I think…well, that goes for everyone doesn’t it? All my collegues…young and old…fresh out of school or here 100 yrs…they are all trudging on in this environment.And its not that no ones trying to change it. Its just htat change in Samoa for some reason is like pushing an elephant. Its not impossible its just ridiculously hard and slow.  And here I am crying about it not being easier. Nothing is easy in life. And maybe my perceived hardships suck…but at the end of the day. There is just not enough drs  here. And if I remove myself that’s one less then the whole lot of ‘little’ that there was before. Right now there’s 6. 6 drs ( and that’s no 6 GPs, that’s 2 gps and 4 hosp staff)  looking after tens of thousands of Savaiians. So  who is ever going to help make it easier for the next person if not me?

 Then,this whole concept of maintaining ones distance and keeping yourself separate from your patients and their issues, problems, health concerns  is something I have never been able to do. I don’t think it is really possible in Samoa due to the small size of our country and everyone knowing everyone. Even if I try to keep my distance it always comes back to me through- my family telling me ( I had seen their aunties best friend and they have put all their faith in me to sort out their health issues) or a collegue at work,  a neighbours aunt, the gardeners dad….at the end of the day the connection somehow is always presented to me …that there is some closeness of this person and therefore I must work extra hard because not just the patient has expectations…but now everyone else is awaiting news too !!  

 I try very hard to keep my sanity by asking that people see me in clinic and not, on the road, at the restaurant, parked on the road at frankies or at some formal event I have attended. That’s where I do draw the line and get a bit titchy much to the disappointment of my hubby sometimes. But Im pretty feisty when it comes to seeing people “properly” and examining them properly  in a formal setting, with all my tools etc and notes  and can ask the sensitive questions etc. And not just guessing and pissing in the wind, outside of the carpark at frankies, because they aren’t going to pull their pants down to show me the rash (obviously) but instead want to just describe it and me give them the magic cream lol. No, when it comes to examining people its always gonna be in my examination room please.  Unfortunately me trying to educate people about that always ends up looking more like Im being unhelpful and stubborn L but oh well. Im sure there are worse names to be called.

Anyways, I am ever grateful that to date, the good man above has blessed me and my own immediate family good health. Im pretty bad with stressing about people I know when they get sick (only because of all the worst case scenarios that play through my head and the lack of resources to be able to rule half of those scenarios out confidently!!)  and if my kids had the misfortune of getting sick…I might just pack up house and move to NZ for the most trivial symptom. Yes, hubby be warned lol. Anyways…its tough times in Samunda but I /we do try our best. 

One of the funniest (well, not funny but maybe slightly hysteria inducing) things about some people I come across here is their lack of knowledge of what IS NOT available in Samoa from a  medical perspective. Like people that rock on up and are like…so I have this symptom bla bla and so I saw on TV  in America  this test and had a talk to my family and am here coz I want that done now…yup …something really expensive and specialist requiring and probably wont be available in Samoa for another 20 yrs…is not available here friend…much to the shock horror of this patient. Then they are like ‘can I see the specialist then’…which again, is no because Samoa does not have one of those specialists…shock horror. 

Specialists do not fall from the sky nor are easy to find. It takes years and years to train to become a specialist (and that’s like exams and stuff and not just years of work experience!) not to mention is really freaken hard…there is an infinite amount of material to learn about the human body and disease, current treatments, drugs, investigations etc....its changing all the time..and mostly you have to be a little bit of a genius to complete …and when I say years and years…like 12 yrs or more…many people give up  or fail before completing. If it’s a woman often life gets in the way and they have babies and a family before completing…sometimes the ones that do complete,  get an epiphany at the end and realise they’ve slugged half their lives away at this degree working night shifts and crap hours, missing out on society  friends and family  to get there that the pot of gold more lucrative careers offered in developed countries  at the end of it all- becomes more important then returning to a peanut pay packet and challenged work environment at home (esp if you’ve started a family during the process) etc… anyways…my point is…its freaken hard. At to be honest, Samoa at present only has a handful of actually fully qualified and practising in hospital specialists.   Everything else we don’t have we  depend on a visiting volunteer to come help with. That’s the truth on that issue right thur (I have just remembered an article in the paper on Sunday that got my knickers in a twist because a general member of the public was complaining about not having access to a specialist after a visit to  ED) 

 Anyways. That’s were life is at , at the moment. Thats the truth right thur. If you didnt know - now you do lol:) and a bit of a rant and rave from me as usual! I hope everyone's been having an awesome day week month. Its almost up so live it up. Til the next blog.

ciao

And like THAT...1/2 the year was gone!!

 So I met this palagi traveler the other day, and in our conversation he said he was going to go hike to this certain monument/thing in the bush here in Savaii that has long 'not' been operating as a tourist site for some time now. In an effort to just prewarn him I told him ins and outs of this- there is no proper access at the moment, it is likely to be overgrown and you can not find it without a guide. Point being...find a guide. Oga sau ai lea ma laga fiapoko ma faimai..e le maga'omia e gaia se guide...ogaia o se kama "hunt i le bush" i giusila bla bla bla. Strike 1. When a local gives you advice about something in the bush/environment etc...you really should listen. After a bit of to and fro-ing. Sau fo'i ma leisi aga fia'poko..."dont the samoans know of how special this place/thing is bla bla. Why isn't there a tar sealed road (with golde rails)leading right up to it....they should do this and this and this" iiii..sa'o...laga ga'o oe lava le kagaka muamua ua intrigued i legei mea. Leai faamolemole, matou te iloa uma lava le significance o legei mea i le makou atunuu faamolemole.  Putting a path and rails and parking and a loo etc that you speak of  is not as easy at it seems. Not to mention lets just trash right round this sacred place to make it more about pleasing tourists than keeping the wonder that it is left as untouched as possible. NEWAYS

So, the next day, alu si kama i le bush ma laga fagu vai, insect spray ma laga samoa jasons guide...kau leiloa ma koeaikiki a oki i le bush. Oga ma koe meet lea after. WTF. Did you know that there is practically no raod to that thing?? Eventually I had too find a local villager...and when we got there I couldnt even see it!! ( ma legei eyebrows ua maualuga i luga le lagi ma frown pei  ua kaufaavalea gaia e seisi) ...yes Indiana Jones...I did tell you so.

Oga koe fa'aauau lea le ma conversation faimai..."you are not Samoan huh?"....hum..yes I am "no u can't be!!!.....hum ok apparently I don't know what I am....hmmmmm...because...apparently..my Igilisi is too good. Ia ...strike 2. Sorry a sole...but some of us speak good english too mate...e le gao  kagaka  Mai England e Iloa  speak English.  E ke Iloa foi  speak Maori...???



Anyways. The hubby and kids have been away overseas attending a wedding that unfortunately I had
 to remain home from, and hold the fort. It has been a little stressful but am so glad to be on the last

stretch ( last week) ...o le mea ouke fiu ai. As much as I do enjoy running our place and trying to give people good holidays...e iai lava isi kagaka e ke fiu ai. Someone wise said...you cant please everyone and thats the truth. The liner that bites me is what a mentor said to me about the type of business we run. He said...look you need to put yourself out there...you are selling yourself..not just a place a bed a room a tour a meal...put your touch your story your point of difference...be brave and wear it...
 Which is like the complete opposite of me as I am rather a hermit and hate 'putting myself out there' I guess the fear is if you come across someone that is not impressed and you are out there...how do you not take dissappointment personally ??

So ga iai le kusi  ga aumai se kagaka ga gofo i sheraton...uma lea koe sau gofo ia makou , i makou poku  piko kaugofie lava ..( ie kai kukusa ma le kau e ke ai iai i macdonalds lol).ae fai mai laga tala...after having come from (sheraton) I was not impressed with your place....bla bla bla....ka fia fai
iai...uhm...like of course. gae ua e sau compare le sevae kosokoso ma le sevae high heel Prada....e
makua ese ese mamaoooooo lava...sa kakau ga e alu e faakai kai seisi place kukusa ma lou prada ga ga e fiafia  Iai  i upolu...ma fai gi ou conclusions...eh se kailo ia se.
 Its hard not to take things personally when you are constantly trying and you think you are giving your best. But peoples expectations vary so much I guess and that is something I am trying to learn not to take personally.:)

...ANYWAYS.
 In another world where I perform a different Job...something I have learnt about our people is that the power of GOSSIP is immense here...i guess without a written language - word of mouth is everything. even more important then what a professional might have to say which is freaken frustrating...

 For Example-Today started with my first headache inducing patient) a man...who came in with his wife...to spend 30minutes explaining how his whole life, he had this thing - which did not debilitate him,..but he thought hed better come check out..that hed seen all the fofos in the world for..but had not cured....though he was actually absolutely fine..he could plant his taro, carry his popo..go to church..go to town..in actual fact there was nothing to worry about because he was as fit as a fiddle....but he just thought hed double check (they story went round like that for a while - and as you can see...15 minutes into it and I still dont know WTF  the actual complaint is) and in the usual Im the king of the village manner..me trying to interject to ask for a symptom, was quickly spoken over with further explanations of failed cures. In the end. A swollen testicle. Actually, a chronically on/.off swollen testicle that got bigger sometimes and smaller other times...long story short...a thing called a hydrocele (which is where a man accumulates fluid in his testicle and is NOT the result of an infection) ...anyways...Going on to trying to explain the cause (ie..its just poor plumbing and sorry mate..you were probably born with it) was interjected many times with - I dont need an operation but You must give me that "fualaa'au" for fula-polos that everyone takes. I just need the tablets doc. So using diagrams I tried to explain how this was not curable with any sort of fualaaus but is a result of plumbing mishaps which eventually if gets worse (ie swelling gets worse) you need repaired surgically...but still...furrowed eyebrows and more "why dont you want to give me the fualaau fula polos that everyone else takes....who the F* is everyone ??? I tried to explain other things that can cause fula polos like STDs might be amenable to antibiotic fualaaus but this is not a general 'for all fula polos" just for pus discharging penus'es, and  his non discharging polos were perfectly fine...that he may not need an operation even,  if it never got much bigger,  but if it did- that would be what needed to be done. Ends with....so you're saying.....you're not gonna give me the fualaau polos that people in the village said I need?...far the farg out man...who are these people in the village that seem to know everything and would they be willing to stand in a court of law if their treatments failed???I want to swipe someone...anyways...thankyou "word of mouth" in the village..for making my job more about persuasion and not about fact, and for making my job ever so difficult.  In the end I had to talk to the wife....if it gets bigger and painful..please take him to the surgical clinic. Thanks. Uma loa iiga.

Savaii Living

 I realise that a long time ago, my blogs had a different tone to them. At the beginning, they were a place for me to tell my stories. My happy my sad my remarkable. What did,what became,  what happened and what was great about life. It was a place I could excercise writing (not that I think I am anywhere near being a 'good' writer- punctuation much??!)  but it was more of a . revelations and share corner. Looking back at the last year or few years, I realise they have become more a rant and rave.  I guess this sort of summarises my life  lately. Getting older, taking on more roles, stretching myself because of where I am and how life just is at the moment has meant that I have had few places to steam and vent. Dont get me wrong my husband is a dear, but dare I say even hes probably had enough of my oestrogen ramblings and at times I can even see this written on his face when Im having my exclamation mark moment of the day.....so Ive kind of taken the hint and wound things down as I think even he has alot on his plate and I sure dont hear him ranting on to me ..(though that may very well just be a 'guy' thing)

Anyways, I feel like Ive become a bit of a b*tch and moan about my life-er and feel the need now to share...my more appreciated moments.
In Savaii, there are few people that I "automatically" get along with. Ive always been a tad shy (though some of my friends may disagree) but I really felt I needed to 'suss' people out first before allowing them in.  Counting my immediate family out. There are few young women of my age with a similar background and upbrining and stories to share and sympathise and understand with, that I can hang with and just be me.  For a while this meant that I felt pretty friend-less on this island and really cherished time to go to Apia and just hang 'with my people' or friends that had known me for yonks and just got right along with. No judgement, no awkwardness over my weird moments or thoughts. However, Life can not go on forever in that little circle of insecurities and lack of people to hang and share thoughts and laugh with. And so, life has forced me , a tad bit of a hermit, to get to know people of all walks of life...and now, the hubby and I have a close circle of friends from quite vastly different backgrounds.  The Age range of my regular people now differs by 20-30yrs....and yes, I am sort of almost the youngest!haha!  But, what I have realised is...similarities and differences aside, at the end of the day...its amazing how despite our big differences, these people are really an awesome group of friends. Ive found that even the oldest of the lot, have little kids in them. Youngsters at heart that crack dirty jokes and pull pranks and from time to time get so drunk they are dancing on tables. They are old enough to really be a source of awesome advice  and the fact that we all live on this big island in the middle of nowhere means that we are sympathetic to each others hardships as that in itself is a similarity. I have found now that with age , or should I say "growing up" I have become more tolerant and less judgmental of people...and feel that this is the same way I am treated and received by people here....its like with life experience you learn to just let the shit slide and live life for what its worth , and that is by the relationships you make with those around you and the experiences you are privileged to enjoy.  I am truly grateful for the opportunity in my life that has allowed me to do this :)

Earlier today , Id come across a post of a friend of a friends' who was telling a story about a life growing up on her own without family around. It was pretty remarkable as she was really a testament of hard work and success and has done quite well. But this made me think of how much we take our families for granted here. Ive almost never (apart from a little when I went to school in NZ) felt like I was alone. Family, my immediate and extended have always been a huge part of my life. Part of my upbringing, my learning my influence and opinions were all formed on the back of family. This year, a very close part of my family piped up that they may 'change' their current life situation which may mean they move a little further away  Im not sure, but this had a bit of effect on me. It was weird because I am supposedly an adult (!) haha...but I immediately felt a little tug at my heart like the part of this person was moving away from me and thats I feeling Ive never had to think of before. It has always been that, Nanas there and mums there, and that aunty and uncle are always there. The kids can hang out at that house and that house and go to their place on the weekend. I feel alittle sad now with this future change as you know how there are objects in your life that have sentimental value? well the regularity and normality of my family being in abundance around me is something close to my heart that I truly appreciate and am sure I dont tell people enough. I remember at medcshool doing a tutorial on death and dying and each student had to share with the group their experience of someone close to them dying. So many of my classmates stood and said their grandparent/s had died 'but they didnt really know them' because they lived in a different city (still in NZ) I was shock horrified by this....I had to share- oh my grandfather died and it was the end of the world as he was the big kahuna that kept the family together and ran it like a well oiled engine, his funeral lasted days and we all cried just as many and I had a seat at the top of his coffin my job was to fan him while everyone came to pay their respects and it was so sad- when he died a little part of me died too...I was 5. There were many more experiences to share but my point was, each lost person to me was huge...and it was really weird that these people did not have similar experiences.

Anyways, often when I am seeing a patient at the busy hot sticky ED of the hospital, if its an old lady, she will almost always sit there and fan me. yes, the sick old patient will always fan me. This is a part of Savaii living (or Samoa) that I love,....our pure and unawkward ability to just share a little love for that person sitting across from you.  It always touches me but I do hope doesnt change.

So, 3 things about my current life that just make it a little bit awesome. Despite my rants and raves...you know I love it secretly.
Happy Easter everyone!

This is your brain...overheated!!

I am giving myself exactly 15 minutes to blog....basically because I need it:) lately, my life has felt like a chaotic ball of buzzing wires. I feel like I am just all over the place. Whats amazing is that I still get people asking "how do you do it" meanwhile...I feel like I am not doing 'it' or 'anything' really......" It"-  has got to be the most palafu, chaotic, disorganised farce of a something, resembling a  life that is mines....and I couldnt possibly recommend that anyone ever look at me to find any sort of answers. Infact, I am almost positive that when you look at me better under a miscroscope, you will see that I am just a walking mass of a trillion different bacteria..or whatever that represents,.....you get my drift.

Someone put this up on their facebook post

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XjUFYxSxDk

And I just loved it.  Right there, he said it. Womens brains are just a ball of wires all firing off at the same time, meanwhile...men have boxes. I WANT BOXES TOO DAMMIT> Boxes sound organised, clean, time adjusted....thats what I want, but I feel like no matter how much I try or how good intentions I may have, my desk will always end up with some of my patients things, some invoices for the hotel..something the accountant is chasing up from 5 yrs ago...my mums crazy texts to "please ring me when you have time"s...like 100 postix of reminders to do things like pick up kids, drop off car, get this fixed, pay rent, go to hospital ...and radi radi ra....and at the end of the day I feel like I havent done half of it all. BUGGER.

Dont ask me how I do it coz honestly, I dont. It might look like I do...or maybe Im just in a "position" to do lots of sh*t...but what needs doing and what gets done is a crazy tornado of momentum but not much aim and achievement  I feel. 

Which brings me back to men and women. I loved that guys little lecture (above)  I really do...but what I find hard is....getting men to listen to that sort of stuff. Ive read a book with similar explanations and teachings and both I found really enlightening. But trying to repeat that to the hubby just doesnt come out with the same flare and then ends up sounding dumb and like a bunch of rant rant radi ra...typical women over-anylysing everything crap..... to which my husband does not respond with the same excitement over revelations as I did. CRAP. 

So anyways, we are going on a 4 day break next week and I cant wait. I just want to go and switch OFF> Sure I dread leaving my kids and am worried about the businesses left behind...but I really need to go recharge somewhere...the hubby has semibugged me to "look stuff up to do" while we are on break...but to be honest...If I just sat on a chair within close proximity to food drink and a bathroom and just slept and read a book....that would be enough. Like I have read a book other then a bloomin text book for the last 10 yrs...nope , havent . Im sure he could sleep the entire 4 days as well with the rate he is always needing sleep so that might be the summary of what happened on our 4 day getaway right thur!!lol! looking forward to it ANYWAYS!!